by Roving Reporter, ©2023
(Mar. 2, 2023) — “Duane Allman’s slide solo on Layla” (:57)
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. Madam Shylock is our featured guest of the day and would like to make an opening statement. Go ahead, Madam Shylock.”
“Thank you, Roving, for the insightful and uplifting introduction. Before Biden’s inflation, open borders, and Ukraine, there was Mike Pence, Trump’s vice president who accepted fraudulent votes to flip the 2020 presidential election from a chance to curb the Deep State to trying to take our country back. As bad as Nancy Pelosi was to her constituents, as bad as Chuck Schumer is to Israel, and as bad as Lori Lightfoot is to the children of Chicago, Mike Pence takes the cake as being the worst VP this country has ever had and, I dare say, ever will have.
“It has been said that Mike Pence is the ‘Judas of our times,’ a statement I couldn’t agree with more. The Deep State held the carrot in front of Pence – Republican Party’s nominee for the 2024 presidential election – along with the promise of a sure-thing win. Mike sold out to the Deep State, believing that the American people wouldn’t care about fraudulent votes counted as legitimate ones. Boy, was he ever wrong. Truth of the matter is, not even a used car lot would hire Pence as a salesman. And that’s my opening statement.”
“And a very good one at that.”
“Are you going to ask me about Biden’s mental condition?”
“Yes, I was; what about it?”
“Just the other day I asked Professor Zorkophsky that very same question, and he said that the medical psychiatric term of Biden’s condition is, and I quote, ‘Biden is permanently out to lunch.’ Zork also said that, ‘Biden’s not at home’ and that, ‘If Biden were a fork, he’d be missing a tine or two.’”
“Every American knows that there’s no such thing as a ‘controlled burn*,’ that wind can shift unexpectedly and that the fire itself can generate unpredictable winds. So, what happened to that little town in Ohio, East Palestine?”
“It was, undoubtedly, an ill-conceived plan that was fraught with catastrophe from the get-go. The EPA should have taken control immediately, transferred what they could to truck tankers and rounded up every front-end loader and dump truck within a 50-mile radius and carted the contaminated soil to a safe holding area, not adjacent to a creek or school, for instance, to be properly disposed of at some future date and not let pets and wildlife die. The thing about the dead deer in the area is that even carrion birds are staying away. People will get sick and die, ‘Clot Shot’ or not. My question is why didn’t the train stop to address the problem in the first place? How is it possible for a train to run 20 miles with such a problem and not stop? Didn’t the engineer not once look behind him and see the sparks? On every security camera that the train passed, from private to commercial, we see a sea of sparks.”
“We still don’t know what the medical and mental condition of the engineer was. We don’t even know if a drug test was administered.”
“That’s right because they sure as heck should’ve seen the problem miles before the derailment.”
“I couldn’t agree with you more and with that we’ll pause for a short commercial break.”
“Blue Sky” (3:56)
“And we’re back. During the break we called Japan’s head of railroads, the JR Group, and were informed that such an accident, as happened in East Palestine, Ohio on Feb. 3, 2023, would have been detected long before there was any danger of a derailment. Furthermore, additional safeguards would have been in place such as additional conductors onboard to constantly monitor the safety of the train. So, there you have it: maybe one or two extra pairs of eyes would have prevented the cataclysmic event. Seems that the railroad put profits ahead of safety, something that whistleblowers have tried to warn us about for years from every industry. Looks like Madam Shylock skedaddled so we’ll just go on out and stand on the sidewalk and see what we can drum up. Excuse me, young man, Roving for ‘Pulse.’”
“Oh, so you’re Roving. Never could find you on the idiot box* after they took you off the satellite. How you doin’?”
“Fine, thank you, and yourself?”
“Likewise.”
“Mind if I ask a few questions about your take on the state of our country?”
“No, not at all. I can give you two versions: 1) the hunky-dory version or, 2) the truth.”
“How about the truth?”
“Very well. First, I wish that Henry would make up his mind. One day he’s running, the next he’s not sure. And then there’s stupid crooked Biden making our country worse off than the day before. You know what it is? It’s bananas, that’s what it is, just bananas.”
“That’s it?”
“Think ‘bananas’ and you’ll be right on target. Thanks for having me on your show. What’s that person doin’; is that supposed to be a camera? Looks like a phone. And that girl holding that squirrel-looking thing above my head: is that supposed to be a microphone?”
“And now we’re going to break for a commercial.”
“A Summer Song” (2:35)
“And we’re back and I don’t believe it but Chief New Leaf just pulled up in his RV; door opens and a slide opens to Henry sitting on a ten-foot clear plexiglass pie and cake display case, a replica you see on a lunch counter, or behind it. Hey, Henry, perfect timing. How you doin’?”
“Just peachy, Roving.”
“You ever make up your mind on whether to be the next president?”
“Good question, Roving, and I’ll let you know as soon as I do. Right now, we’re 50-50 if I do, and then again, maybe 50-50 if I won’t, but either way not one more red cent to Ukraine for Biden’s blackmail. And let’s not forget our open borders and the need to deport all the millions of the unwanteds, the illegal ‘guest workers’ (remember when we used to call them that?), the Chinese ‘students,’ and the Muslims who are employed in every level of our government, including the military. You know about the Muslim schools that teach Jihad, ‘Death to America!’ right here in our schools? Muslim holidays on our calendars? Give me a break. Not having it.”
“That’s right; the Jews are always warning us if somebody says they want to kill you, believe them.”
“That’s right, and I, for one, believe them. Just look at the last 1,400 years of subjugating people and that’ll do it for me, as it should everyone. Look, if I don’t run for president, I want Trump to appoint me as Secretary of Defense. I’d be a good one, best any president ever had, of this I can assure you.”
“Yes, I’m sure you would.”
“None of this ‘woke’ nonsense; no queers in my military, right?”
“Sounds good to me.”
“Look, Roving, there are two kinds of frogs just as there are two kinds of people: you have your boy and girl frogs; rabbits; giraffes; people. Have you ever heard of a transgender Warthog? Of course not. What about ‘trans’ cows? Or guppies? You know what ‘woke’ is? It’s saying to the world, ‘Look at me, I’m stupid.’ Lots of college professors are woke; did you know that?”
“Oh, yes, Professor Zorkophsky goes ape when you mention Socialism. No Critical Race Theory for him or, for that matter, anybody else, right?”
“Foe sure. You hear the latest left-wing lunacy? ‘Trans’ men as Muslim women wearing a burqa or a hijab with lipstick; I kid you not. Talk about sick. Zork — that would be Professor Zorkophsky — says that mental illness is like a contagious disease that seems to take hold of a nation on the verge of collapse.”
“And you think we are? I mean, do you think the USA is on the verge of collapse?”
“Wouldn’t doubt it in the least, which is why I push for all of us to be armed to the gums, frog speaking, or to the teeth if you’re human.”
“Couldn’t agree with you more. And with that we’ll conclude this episode of ‘Pulse,’ the most- watched information show in its time slot. Biden mentioned the Draft, the Selective Service thing the other day. Well, I agree, but not to send troops to Ukraine. If nothing else, to teach the Constitution to a bunch of ingrates, unfortunately, it seems. Re-educated college grads for the last 30 years. Get rid of sanctuary towns, cities, states, and people, too. Well, here we are, and so, on behalf of Henry, this is your Roving Reporter wishing each of you a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Good show. Burger time: my treat. I see a worm in the gutter, I’ll get it for you.”
[*Idiot box: A television set.][Reminder: Henry is the founder of the “
Hopping Mad Political Party“.]
“Memories” (3:06)
Roving Reporter