by Roving Reporter, ©2023
(Jan. 13, 2023) — “One Love” (5:07)
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pule of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. As most of you know – the ones that don’t probably still believe in the ‘Russian Collusion Hoax,’ and if you’re one of those please leave and never come back; we don’t want you as a viewer and Henry doesn’t want your vote… Pardon me?”
“Henry says he does want your vote. Okay, sorry about that. Henry says he’ll even take votes out of a trunk of a rental car found three days after the election in another county. Why don’t you hop up to the microphone and tell them yourself?”
“He says he may have had a threat, something about being squashed. No, Henry, I’m sure it was just a figure of speech.”
“Henry doesn’t think so. Any questions from the peanut gallery? Here’s one: ‘What about China?”
“Henry says to take frogs off the menu; tastes like chicken anyway. Next question, please.”
Henry hops on the microphone.
“I’ll take it from here, Roving. Good day to you all. Some of you have expressed dissatisfaction with my platform on illegal immigration and allowing our avowed enemy* to be within our borders.
“It doesn’t take a whole of a lot to see the writing on the wall. I was preaching on a soapbox way back in 1987 that the EU was nothing but a steppingstone for the Islamic State to take control of Europe. Sad to say, I have been proven right; I wish I wasn’t, but the duly elected representatives of those European countries led their constituents down the river — or is it ‘up the river?’ — just as our corrupt politicians do (did; done), in full cooperation with the Department of Homeland Security, a joke if there ever was one, has done, is doing, and will continue to do; that is, until I run the show.
“Now, before I take another question, I’d like to say that our ‘Houses of Death’ – hospitals – are to be avoided for those who have flu-like symptoms. You won’t get Ivermectin, the necessary vitamins or anything else that would keep you away from being a government statistic in another COVID death, chalking one up for the Deep State. I’m getting hand gestures to break for a commercial.”
“(Sittin’ On) The Dock of the Bay” (3:46)
“I’ve heard talk about a frog running for president makes a mockery of our election system, so let me say this about that: Barry Soetoro, aka, a Muslim as the president; Joe ‘The Crook’ Biden as president. At least I’m an honest Christian frog, so there.
“And, yes, the day I take office is the day Biden takes a trip down to GITMO, there to spend the rest of of his days sharing a cell block with ‘The Cheap Suit’ Obama.
“Look, ‘The Swamp’; the Beltway; Washington, DC are as corrupt as they come, like Dodge City was in the 1800s and Arizona is today. Which reminds me: Katie Hobbs and Liz Cheney are to be cellmates in GITMO the day I take office.
“In passing, having the incompetent Merrick Garland investigate the Biden Syndicate is like the fox guarding the chicken coop: why bother? Which reminds us of another incompetent: Alejandro Mayorkas. Him, too. Gone. Open borders don’t cut it, never did, never will.
“Excuse me, I need a water break.”
As Henry dives into a pitcher of water we break for a commercial.
“All I Wanna Do” (4:05)
“I’m back. Yes, you in the back, on my right.”
“What do you propose to do about inflation?”
“Step one is to revive the Keystone Pipeline; two is to revive fracking; three is to undo everything Biden did to make us energy-dependent.
“Next is to get rid of everyone who is ‘woke,’ which is to say if you’re not carrying, leave. I mean it. Show your piece; show us your gun. Now. If you don’t have one, get one. When I have another press conference you will be required to show your piece; understood?
“What does being ‘woke’ have anything to do with inflation?”
“Same as ‘Russian Collusion,’ I suppose. Look, I’ll make this as clear as I can: if you’re ‘woke’ you’re stupid. If you’re a Dem, you’re stupid. If you cried when Hillary lost, you’re stupid. And if you’re not willing to protect yourself, your family, and your country, you’re stupid. If you agree with Muslims and illegals in our country, you’re stupid.
“If you don’t like what I have to say, well, too bad, because if you’re still around after I’m elected, I’ll deport you to Canada or China or Afghanistan; let them deal with imbeciles, okay?
“I’d like to say a word about Lisa Marie Presley. Used to be, the government kept a tally of how many died of COVID on a weekly – sometimes daily – basis; now they don’t even mention if someone got the ‘Clot Shot’ (vaccinated and boosted).
“Thank you for attending my first official press conference. A photo terrarium is set up in the foyer for those who want a little extra background. Later. Oh, someone yelled am I a Republican. I am for the Constitution; MAGA. Someone asked if I’ll ask Trump to be my VP. Maybe I’ll be Trump’s VP. That’ll work. Let’s see what happens. Later.”
Henry climbs off the microphone stand and heads toward the foyer for his photo shoot.
“Well, that’ll do it. I had some fresh stuff on hand for Henry, but I guess I’ll treat myself to a cheeseburger and fries. Goodnight.”
[*Avowed enemy: That would be the Muslims.]