by Roving Reporter, ©2023
(Jan. 6, 2023) — “Am I Ready” (2:24)
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. Rook Dunkin invited us to his church on Hawthorn Street to hear Henry’s acceptance speech on behalf of the ‘Hopping Mad Party,’ but before we do, I’ve a few questions for the Rook himself. Excuse me, Rook, you got time for a few questions? Roving for ‘Pulse,’ the most-watched information show in its time slot.”
“I’m afraid not, Roving, as you can see, Henry’s anticipated presence has caused quite a stir. I’m being broadsided with questions and responsibilities; the first is whether I’ll accept the position of being Henry’s strategy guru for his bid to be president in 2024. That and who will be his VP.”
“So, will you be in Henry’s corner?”
“But of course, but in which capacity it’s too early to tell. I know I’ll be his spiritual advisor and whatever other hats I’ll be wearing, I don’t know.”
“What about his VP? Will he ask Trump?”
“Too early to tell, but I don’t think so. Henry’s first pick will be Ted Nugent or some other independent thinker. Nobody like the RINOs McConnell or McCarthy. Trump is inching his way backwards. Oh, sure, he’s ahead of the MAGA movement but he’s not the movement.”
“That reminds me of the CEO who started the company but ended up getting voted out the door.”
“What are Henry’s strong points?”
“Well, I’d have to say that Henry’s strongest point is that he is as truthful as the day is long. If he says anyone who deliberately broke any voting law will be sent to prison for a very long time, you can bet he’ll follow through on that campaign promise.”
“Can you elaborate a tad on that response?”
“Sure can. Have you ever known a frog to lie?”
“No. I haven’t, but then I guess I haven’t ever listened to what a frog had to say anyway.”
“Too bad, now I’ll tell you why: frogs are incapable of not telling the truth. It is impossible for a frog to lie. Period. Have you ever known a frog to lie? In the whole history of the planet earth, I bet that no one, anywhere at any time, has ever known of a lying frog. If Henry says he’ll deport every Muslim and every illegal immigrant from within our borders, you can take that to the bank. Let me add an amen: Amen.”
“That’s great. Excuse us while we take a quick commercial break.”
“I Can’t Stop Loving You” (4:15)
“And we’re back with Rook Dunkin, the curator of this quaint little church down on Hawthorn Street.”
“I must cut our talk short, Roving, I’ve a million things to attend to; after all, 2024 is just around the corner.”
“Okay, we’ll let you go. Thanks for talking with us.”
“My pleasure, I’m sure. You’re welcome any time but with Henry making his formal announcement to run for president…well, thank you.”
“We’ll take a short break before we go to Henry jumping up on the pulpit.”
“Old Time Blues” (4:12)
We’re standing at the back of the nave while Henry enters from the left and hops up on the pulpit. The place is packed to the gills, and everyone is sandwiched like sardines to hear a frog accept the nomination of his political party. The place is as silent as a graveyard as they anxiously wait to hear a frog speak.
“Good day to you all, and thank you for attending my acceptance speech extravaganza. Don’t be shocked: animals speak but, overall, humans don’t listen. Now, the reason you can understand me is that I want to be heard and understood so we can kick that idiot out of the White House and get in somebody like me.
“Let me start from the beginning. Number One: The Constitution does not specifically ban frogs from being your president. You recently had a lousy eight years of the Cheap Suit, aka Barry Soetoro, aka Obama, as your de facto president so you shouldn’t take umbrage with me, a frog, to be your president.
“Secondly, I will close the borders tighter than a new Tupperware lid. I will frack and pump and clean every waterway we have and — and I mean this — end strip-mining. There’s plenty of ways to extract coal from the ground without destroying the earth.
“I will ban land mines everywhere, and I mean this. Let me say it again: no more land mines. We will disarm every existing land mine, and if we ever catch a land mine cheat, we will use them to explode existing mines; is that clear enough?”
“Now, I have an important communique from this church’s head office stating that I have been chosen to announce the promotion of Rook Dunkin to Bishop Dunkin. I’m sure we’re all pleased as punch and wish him well in his new responsibilities. I am also pleased to announce that Bishop Dunkin will stay at this quaint little church down here on Hawthorn Street where he’ll be able to continue as the head dude. Can we hear some Amens?”
Deafening applause and hearty Amens are heard.
“Thank you. Well, let me say that you’ve been a very receptive group. I expect to put everyone who had a hand in arresting and placing the Jan. 6 people behind bars behind bars themselves, truthfully. For real, including Biden and gang. If I were Pelosi, Schumer, McConnell and the slew of others, I’d move to a country where they don’t have extradition treaties with the USA because, sure as rain, I’m coming after you all. Thank you. I’ll be having a press conference in a few days.
“Pardon me? Somebody asked me what I think of Kevin McCarthy. I’ll say this about him: RINO. Goodnight.”
Everyone stands and applauds enthusiastically. Henry hops off the stage.
“Well, you heard it, same as I. I feel good for our friend, Bishop Dunkin, and especially good about the future of our country since we quite obviously have a candidate that isn’t afraid to tell the truth. I heard Henry say that he wouldn’t make the same mistakes Trump made on the Joint Chiefs of Staff and the Secretary of Defense. Henry said he would have ‘those who know the ropes’ in those important positions.
“Thank you for watching or, as the case may be, reading the transcript. Goodnight.
“What a show. Burger time.”