by Roving Reporter, ©2024
(Aug. 28, 2024) — “Spinning Wheel” (4:08)
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. All kinds of animals migrate. Butterflies migrate. Birds migrate. Humans migrate. Humans migrate? Yep, and to explain it all to us is Professor Wert, former world explorer and recently known for his expertise in writing children’s bestselling books that stress common sense. Welcome to ‘Pulse,’ the most-watched information show in its time slot.”
“Thank you for the invite, Mr. Roving; it’s always nice to be here to let me hawk my latest excellent book for the little kiddies.”
“You’re beginning to sound a lot like Professor Zorkophsky, always hawking his latest bestseller.”
“And why not? You asked me to talk about the migration of animals. Lemmings migrate; did you know that?”
“What is a lemming?”
“A field mouse that lives near the Arctic Circle.”
“What do you say we talk about humans?”
“Yes, we can do that. First you have your professional pickpockets who travel – migrate – from event to event.”
“Care to give us some examples?”
“Glad to: Super Bowl and Mardi Gras; World Series and the Boston Marathon. Even championships of bowling, pool, darts, any event where large crowds gather to pay attention to something other than their wallets. Pickpockets have the most ‘frequent flyer miles.’ They usually work in gangs. Home bases are Las Vegas and Atlantic City. And they’re not gamblers, just thieves.”
“Yes, of course. Let’s pause for a short commercial break, shall we?”
“Respect” (2:29)
“And we’re back with Professor Wert, currently known for being the beloved author of successful children’s books. By the way, to date, how many books have you sold?”
“I really don’t know, and I’ll tell you why. All my book earnings go to various charities such as Bishop Dunkin’s “Arm the Christians in Africa’ and no-kill animal shelters that stress neutering dogs and cats and young men.”
“Young men are neutered in animal hospitals?”
“No, Roving, I misspoke. Humans go to a doctor; animals go to a veterinarian.”
“Yes, of course they do. We were talking about migration.”
“We were, weren’t we? You know something? Humans migrate in the Korean peninsula, but it’s a one-way migration, always from North to South, never from freedom to slavery.”
“Except in the United States.”
“Now ain’t that a fact? Crazy, don’t you think? People voluntarily giving up freedom for — now there’s the question of the day — for what? To follow the advice of stupid people like Whoopie Goldberg and Nancy Pelosi, the architect of the January 6 ‘insurrection,’ the REAL insurrection when VP Mike Pence counted fraudulent votes as real and that’s how we got the Biden-Harris ticket, each vying for ‘The Most Stupid Award.’”
“I think Harris won, right?”
“That’s right, but only because Biden folded due to permanent brain fog.”
“Any other time and place someone would’ve been arrested for ‘elder abuse.’”
“Excuse us while we take a commercial break.”
“Wandering Star” (3:21)
“And we’re back with Professor Wert who will expound a little on definitions, isn’t that right?”
“Most assuredly, Roving. Take the word ‘refugee,’ for instance. Back in the days of the ‘Cold War,’ people escaping from the Communist Soviet Union or getting over the Berlin Wall were true refugees, not to be confused with a ‘migrant.’”
“So, those crossing our open borders are migrants?”
“No, they’re ‘invaders’ and ‘scammers,’ but most of all, they’re ‘gamers.’”
“What’s a ‘gamer?’”
“A ‘gamer’ is a person who is out to gain advantage without working for the benefits. A person collecting Welfare who could work, but won’t, is a gamer. President Lyndon Johnson’s ‘Great Society’ made slaves of those who had a relative in some previous generation who worked on plantations, only to find themselves relegated to our modern-day plantations, the ghettos of Harlem, Watts, East St. Louis, and South Side Chicago. Interesting, isn’t it, that the public schools in the ghettos didn’t teach the three R’s but rather, indoctrinated the kids on the imagined advantages of Communism, where everything will be free without effort, never teaching the responsibility of holding a job and requiring, at the very least, showing up for work on time.”
“And what about all those young military-age Chinese men: what are they called?”
“Invaders. Muslims are terrorists. Out of all the 20 million+ who have entered our living space unvetted, I would estimate that maybe 0.1% are true-blue refugees, if that.”
“Why, that’s disgusting. Wasn’t Kamala ‘Hyena’ Harris the ‘Border Czar?’”
“Yep, and, guess what? She still is. She talks about closing the border but, guess what, nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“And she won’t do anything. Here’s how it works. You have a hierarchy of stupids. At the top of the list are those who are about as dumb; not quite, mind you, as Kamala Hyena Harris, followed by your idiots, imbeciles, morons, and Dems.”
“Let me ask you this: is that her real name? I mean, the ‘Hyena’ part? Is her name really ‘Kamala Hyena Harris?’”
“Yes, it is, of this I assure you. You see, her parents had a premonition that she’d be stupid beyond anyone’s comprehension, and guess what? She is as stupid as they thought she’d be.”
“We’ve got about a minute left, so how about wrapping it up for us?”
“The truth of the matter is that Hyena Harris has stabbed our Republic in the back. The Joint Chiefs of Staff could’ve spoken up about the invasion and closed the border, but they didn’t; they didn’t because they’re on the side of the Hyena, the side of Communism, the side of the Military Industrial Complex that makes huge profits in time of war, and you can take what I’ve said to the bank, thank you very much.”
“Was that a pun, about the ‘huge profits’ and ‘bank?’”
“It may have been, but if it was, it was an unintentional one.”
“Oh, okay. We remind our viewers to pray for the illegally incarcerated Jan. 6 political prisoners [“Justice for All” (2:24)]. This is your Roving Reporter, along with our featured guest, Professor Wert, wishing all of you a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Good show. Burger time: my treat.”
“Allegro con spirito from Sonata in D major, K. 311” (4:30)
Roving Reporter