by Roving Reporter, ©2024
(Oct. 28, 2024) — “Final Countdown Theme” (2:36)
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. Madam Shylock will be our featured guest, and we’ll close with Henry speaking his mind on whatever subject he feels we need to be aware of. Yes? Why is Henry jumping up and down? Will someone please hand Henry a microphone? Give him mine? Here you go, Henry, use mine.”
“Thank you, Roving, I’m sure you won’t live to regret it. Hello out there in television wasteland, and if you don’t think you are in a wasteland then you haven’t been watching Bill Maher or ‘The View,’ two shows that give the word ‘irrelevant’ a bad name. I want to discuss what is really real and what is make-believe real. Antisemitism in the United States is real but through the eyes of nitwits — such as Bill Maher and the audience of ‘The View’ — antisemitism is no more than a petty annoyance, something akin to a gnat buzzing your ear.
“Not so, I’m sorry to report. Antisemitism is a disease of the soul, a crutch for the mentally impaired to mask inadequacies in their own personalities.”
“You sound like Professor Zorkophsky, you know, that bestselling author of psychiatry books for the neighborhood shrink.”
“And as I should be, since I’ve read every one of them; 92 so far.”
“No way; 92. That’s actually quite amazing.”
“And his movie, ‘The Dandelion War’ which, as you know, was a blockbuster in every sense of the word.”
“Yes, I heard that the lines went around the block at its premier in Downers Grove, Illinois.”
“Getting back to blaming others for your own and others’ shortcomings is what is known as ‘Brain Botulism,’ a disease that takes root at birth and continues throughout one’s life. The cure is somewhat simple but dangerous, I mean, as far as anyone knowing about it. Here, let me explain it this way: if nothing else, the Bible teaches the ‘Golden Rule,’ the secret of getting along with others, be it individually or, on the macro scale, countries.
“Take Iran, for example. Why can’t they get along with the rest of the world? Because they don’t practice the Golden Rule, that’s why.”
“Could you spell it out for us?”
“You mean the ‘Golden Rule?’ Be glad to. ‘Do unto others as you would wish be done to you.’ That’s it.”
“That’s it?”
“That’s all there is to it. It’s what Jesus was all about. Look, lobbing missiles into Israel doesn’t do anybody any good, understand? And why? For what possible reason? To kill indiscriminately? For what possible purpose does it gain for a bunch of crazed young men to raid a village in Africa and murder everyone at whim? How can anyone justify such irrational behavior?”
“And what is ‘irrational behavior?’”
“Professor Zorkophsky defines irrational behavior as insanity.”
“So, millions of people who want to indiscriminately kill other human beings are insane?”
“Yep. So maybe they call them apes and swine, to make murder easier; so what? A rose is a rose by any other name, right?”
“I get it. One side can lob bombs into a village and kill women and babies, but if the other side retaliates in a likewise manner, it’s genocide. Is that the gist of it? Sucker punch and run?”
“Yes, that’s it. ‘Childish and immature behavior’ is what the good professor calls it. He also calls it destructive, but not on the receiving end, on the giving end.”
“The ‘giving end?’”
“That’s right, the ‘forgive them for they know not what they do,’ but that doesn’t preclude ‘smiting’ those who deserve it, Bill Maher included for basically ignoring the danger. Maybe someone should tell him to open his eyes and see what’s crashing down all around him.”
“I agree, and none of this ‘measured response’ nonsense. Bunker-bust them. And I’m afraid that’s all the time we have for this episode of ‘Pulse,’ the most-watched information show in its time slot. On behalf of Henry and Madam Shylock, this is your Roving Reporter, wishing you a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Good show. Madam Shylock brought some fresh worms for Henry. Burger time: my treat.”
“I Like It” (2:15)
Roving Reporter