“FAR OUT”
by OPOVV, ©2019
(Apr. 23, 2019) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to what has become the ‘Modern Office Renovation Show,’ watched by thousands of budding architects, each striving to outdo the other in upping their fees by spending lavishly on unnecessary perks, and if you want proof, let me show you what the latest addition to Professor Zorkophsky’s office is: an underground grotto that leads to the lake. Welcome aboard our show, Professor.”
“And welcome aboard ‘Money Talks Like No Other,’ my speedster runabout that will take us through this underground canal to the lake where my yacht, the ‘I’ve Got More Than You,’ my 180-foot excuse to get-away-from-it-all, is moored. And, please, Roving, address me as “Captain Zork’; after all, there’s no need to be so formal in these informal conditions.”
“Aye-aye, Captain Zork. We had the General on the other day as he was on his way to you to put the finishing touches on your latest screenplay, ‘The Dandelion Wars.’”
“Yes, he mentioned the burger. Now the reason I brought you out here today is not to show you my yacht, but to discuss my new book, ‘The Limitless Human Imagination: How to sound as if you had an ounce of intellect.’ By the way, I’m sure it’ll be another home run in my long list of successful textbooks; maybe even made into a movie.”
“Another million?”
“Ten and maybe more. It’s really a great text; it even has graphs and color photos, high gloss.”
“That sounds just great, Zork.”
“That’ll be Captain Zork,’ I believe. Watch your step, please, as we board ‘I’ve Got More Than You.’ Well, what do you think of her?”
“It’s absolutely beautiful. It looks as if you took a World War II destroyer and renovated it into a pleasure craft. I admire your teak decks.”
“Thank you; it’s something I’m especially proud of. I have the crew holystone it once a week. And look here: where the forward five-inch gun was, I’ve kept the turret, added some glass and, presto, I have an office that I rotate whenever the sun bothers me or for a better view. Let me show you the mess decks that I’ve turned into a theater, where I screen the dailies of my latest movie.”
“What, are we under way?”
“But of course; after all, how else can I show you how fast she’ll go?”
“How fast will she go?”
“Sea flat, calm day: she’ll do 60.”
“60 mph?”
“60 knots, which is about 70 mph; pretty impressive, wouldn’t you say? It has a Russian graviton propulsion system, direct from one of their decommissioned submarines. Now, about my new book.”
“Yes, please.”
“Humans have been asking the question, ‘Where did the universe come from?’ since time immemorial and the best answer, to date, is, ‘It just appeared: there was nothing and then, BIG BANG: universe.’ Another way of asking the question: there was no space and there was no time and then: universe with space/time. Or from nothing came everything. And then there’s what’s beyond the edge of the universe, or even if there is an edge to start with.”
“And what’s your point?”
“My point is that maybe the turtle was always there and we live on the back of a turtle and that’s all there is to it; or not. My point is that the Russian Collusion was a lie, okay? So how is it humanly possible to obstruct a lie: answer me that?”
“Give me a real concrete example that I can sink my teeth into.”
“Very well: a person is convicted and sentenced to ten years in prison for a crime he didn’t do, and a year later he breaks out of prison and finds the real guilty party. Is he guilty for breaking out of prison, where he shouldn’t have been in the first place? I say, ‘Of course not,’ but half the population says he broke the law for breaking out of prison (where he never should’ve been, a known fact, but conveniently ignored).”
“So they don’t care if the person was guilty or not, is that it?”
“You got it: they don’t care if the person was ever guilty: all they know is that he broke out of prison. And they don’t care if the real criminal was exposed: the fact remains that it’s against the law to break out of prison, and that’s that.”
“So what if the same circumstances happened to them? Then what?”
“No, going down that road isn’t allowed.”
“Why isn’t it allowed?”
“Because it’s not ‘as they would do unto you’: it’s you doing to them and forget about it.”
“But that doesn’t make any sense.”
“And that’s my point: when you reach a certain point where going further jeopardizes your previous beliefs, you can’t. You can look at the moon and see craters, but you must say that the moon is perfect without a blemish. You can say ‘peaceful,’ but seeing people beheaded kind-of negates what you say. You can say ‘impeachment,’ but there’s no proof.”
“So where’s the ‘limitless’ aspect to it all?”
“There isn’t any; never has been. You see, once the church says that the sun and the planets revolve around the earth, that’s it, and even if you disprove it, you’re punished.”
“So Trump will forever be hounded by, what, deranged idiots?”
“No, eventually enough people will see the craters; enough people will be exposed to the truth, which are the lies perpetuated by Obama/Valerie Jarrett and Hillary, but it may take many years. Some, such as Dan Rather and Joe Scarborough, will die rather than repent.”
“Now that’s sad, isn’t it? And I’m sorry, but we’ve got to sign off and so, this is your Roving Reporter, on behalf of the crew, wishing you all a goodnight: Goodnight.
“We’re doing 70? Far out. Let’s go grab some burgers: my treat.”
“Redneck Yacht Club” (3:41)