by Roving Reporter, ©2024
(Aug. 15, 2024) — “The Long and Winding Road” (1:56)
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. Madam Shylock reports that the women of America don’t understand that it’s up to the individual states to determine abortion law, not the federal government, and Trump doesn’t have anything to do with it. She also reported that young women are finding it difficult to find a guy who isn’t woke and concerned about pronouns. She said that young adults of both sexes don’t have a clue about courting and first date procedures. Madam Shylock also said that Kamala ‘Hyena’ Harris is an embarrassment to the women of America by the crazy and immature way she acts. With us to put the coming election in perspective is the fortune-teller herself, Madam Shylock.”
“Thank you, Roving, for the in-depth introduction. Before I go on, Henry gives you his heartfelt regards and wishes you well. He also said that all the frogs of the world are MAGA supporters, as are platypuses and cows.”
“That’s nice. First question: we have an open border.”
“If I were like, say, a low-information voter (aka ‘really stupid’) I would answer that we are a nation of immigrants, so yes, the border should be open. Of course, such a person never watched Ben Bergquam’s ‘Border Wars.’ Fake News and an inadequate education strike again. Professor Zorkophsky says that ‘Trump Derangement Syndrome’ is impossible to cure without some kind of shock, like the price of a gallon of gas.”
“But it’s right there on the sign: Regular $3.83. They can’t miss it.”
“Ah, but they do. The eyes see that gas is way more than when Trump was president, but it doesn’t register in their mind and, if it does, it’s Trump’s fault; end of discussion. ‘We won, you lost’ sophomoric mentality, like during the Barry Soetoro (aka Obama) days. The percentage raise of a gallon of gas is directly proportional to every possible economic index conceivable, and that includes take-home pay. If the cost of living is equally proportional to expenditures, all would be well, but when gas swallows a quarter of expenditures when it used to account for 10%, there is a problem because everything costs more while take-home pay remains virtually stagnant. What do you say we throw an additional tax on everybody, shall we? I mean, somebody must pay for the money thrown down the ‘Ukraine Hole,’ aka ‘Ukrainian Yacht Row at Monte Carlo.’”
“You’re not going to mention the kickbacks to our politicians, are you?”
“You just did, thank you. I want to talk about the millions of low-information voters in America, if I may.”
“After this short commercial break.”
“More Today Than Yesterday” (3:10)
“Excuse me for interrupting with breaking news. It seems a couple of Secret Service Agents fell asleep while guarding Mar-a-Lago. Listen: Rule #1 in the military, any military: DO NOT SLEEP WHILE STANDING GUARD. In peacetime, brig time. In time of war, firing squad. Now go ahead with what you were going to say.”
“Thank you, Roving. The ravages the Biden-Harris administration has wrought are all by design following the dictates of Obama’s mantra of ‘fundamentally change America’ from a successful Republic to a Third World cesspool ripe with corruption and incompetence.”
“I think you nailed it.”
“Addressing the ‘low-information’ voter problem in 82 days is impossible. These people cannot be weaned off CNN and MSNBC. If they are forced to be exposed to the truth, they’ll become violent. They’ll become unstable and turn into some deranged human, just as a werewolf changes. For all we know, they’ll become werewolves, preying on unsuspecting females, acting exactly like the illegal immigrants who these low-information voters so gallantly welcome to invade our country. Remember Laken Riley.”
“Well put.”
“My advice for today is to believe in what Trump has done compared to what ‘The Hyena’ has done to destroy the United States of America. Draw up a ‘Ben Franklin.’ Take a sheet of paper and draw a line down the middle from top to bottom. Label the left column ‘Positive,’ the right ‘Negative’ and start the list with the price of a gallon of gas. Trump gets a plus, Hyena a minus. List the price of food. Trump gets a plus; Hyena gets a minus. List everything you can think of, and when you’re all done, add who got the most pluses and that’s who wins. Simple, but effective. Trump wins in every category. Men in women’s locker rooms? Trump says, ‘No way’ (plus), while Hyena Harris agrees with men in the locker room, in competition, and gender surgery: minus.”
“Couldn’t agree more.”
“So, this election boils down to the stupids vs. those who want to save the Republic. Morning Joe: minus. The View: minus. RAV and OAN TV: positive. The Gateway Pundit: Positive. CNN: minus. MSNBC: minus. The Post & Email: positive. Jihad Watch: positive.
“At this time, Bishop Dunkin will give us a fare-thee-well prayer.”
“Dear Lord, please shine the light of knowledge on those who are blind to the truth. In this we pray in our Lord’s name. Amen.”
“That’s great and I’ll second it. I’m afraid we’ve run out of time, so this is your Roving Reporter, along with Madam Shylock, wishing you all a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Good show. Heard the ‘Little People’ are on the move; Henry, too. Burger time: my treat.”
“Ruby” (2:54)