by Roving Reporter, ©2023
(Sep. 15, 2023) — “Try That in a Small Town” (3:00)
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. Our featured guest’s full name is ‘Turtle who sits on rock in the moonlight (in the bubbling brook’), but we’ll just call her ‘Miss Turtle’; will that be satisfactory?”
“Not quite. I’d like to keep the rock and the moon, plus the turtle part.”
“What do you say we call you ‘Miss Trom?’ You have your ‘T’ for turtle; ‘r’ for rock; ‘o’ for brook; and ‘m’ for moon.”
“That’ll work.”
“Good. Now, I understand that, as you put it, ‘Once you leave the reservation, all bets are off.’ What do you mean by that?”
“I mean if someone wants to bushwhack you, they are allowed to.”
“Wait a minute: care to expound a tad on that?”
“I mean to say, if you don’t follow the law why should anyone else? So, if you ‘go off the reservation’ – ignore the Constitution – you must expect an equal retaliation, see?”
“Nor quite. How about giving us an example?”
“Very well. Not to pick on stupid people, but Fani Willis’s made-up bogus charge against Trump [‘Trump Won’ (3:30)] places her ‘off the reservation’ and, at a minimum, should lose her law license if not receive the same sentence Trump [‘Justice for All‘ (2:24)] would have received.”
“That sounds fair to me, but it’s not a done deal.”
“Well, I think people who suffer from ‘Trump Derangement Syndrome’ deserve to suffer the consequences.”
“Now that we can agree on 110%. What about ‘The View?’”
“Won’t they be surprised knowing that they’re despised even by their own audience? I think many watch the program nowadays for the goofs and who can out-do the other in making classical stupid statements that’ll get them on conservative television stations as some sort of ‘highlight.’”
“Are you saying Whoopi Goldberg just ‘pretends’ to be stupid?”
“No, she’s not pretending at all. It’s that they have no shame and will never admit there was never any of this ‘Russian Collusion’ nonsense. You see, their whole narrative is based on lies, so to expose any one of them may be too much for them to take. Like to witness a complete meltdown, that’ll make it to the conservative TV stations.”
“Yes, I see your point. Reminds me of when Jane Fonda put her foot in her mouth not that too long ago.”
“Exactly. That’s what I came to say, but I’d like to say one more thing if I may.”
“Sure thing.”
“I have a friend who has a company and said he would like to advertise his wares on TV. So he did some research and found a very popular program and paid some big bucks to advertise and then nothing. No increase in sales at all, so he asked me to figure out why. And you know what I found? Just before the show would take a commercial break, they play this god-awful music so the viewers would hit ‘mute’ and turn the sound back only when the program continued. How about that? Nobody was hearing his commercial. Thanks for having me on.”
“And thank you, Miss Trom. Let’s break for a commercial.”
“Jeopardy Theme Song” (0:30)
“Looks like our next guest is a little late so I’ll spout off for a spell. I’d like to say a few words about ‘The View.’ There was a time when I thought the hostesses of ‘The View’ were acting because I couldn’t believe, in my wildest imagination, that anybody could be that stupid. I even gave them the benefit of the doubt when they hooked on to the ‘Russian Collusion’ hoax because, well, maybe it was entertaining to our brain-dead neighbors who are so out of touch that they refuse to connect the dots between the open border and rape trees. And will you look who just walked in but our resident shrink, Professor Zorkophsky. Welcome aboard, Professor Zorkophsky. You’re late.”
“Sorry about that; I was detained by a bunch of illegals protesting that $2,200 is not nearly enough.”
“Beside the fact that they shouldn’t get one red cent and don’t belong here in the first place, how much do they want?”
“They want the same percentage as our politicians get from the money earmarked to Ukraine.”
“They’re not as dumb as I thought.”
“Once I ran a construction site and the non-English-speaking spoke up really quick if they thought they were shortchanged come payday.”
“What have you got in your hand? Is that what I think it is?”
“Yep, it’s another bestseller.”
“And the title is…?”
“The title is, ‘Hello, Your Lifeboat is Sinking.’”
“I’m almost afraid to ask. Is it about what I think it’s about?”
“Yep, sure is. Just like a lifeboat, too many people will sink her and then all are lost. What would you prefer, some saved or none? Trump [‘81 Million Votes, My A**’ (3:13)] wanted some saved, the citizens of the USA, because he knew if the borders were opened all would be lost. Hate to say it, but unless we deport 20+ million, we’ll all go under.”
“Meaning?”
“Meaning that the United States will not survive as a country if we don’t throw off the dead weight of the welfare recipients, is what I mean. All the Muslims who hate our guts and will never assimilate, never embrace the concept of ‘equal justice for all (and that includes women, by the way’), and all of Biden’s illegal ‘migrants’ who hate our guts and will never assimilate.”
“That’s clear enough.”
“Impeaching Biden isn’t enough: his family, his administration and politicians, DAs and judges are looking at some serious jail time, I hope.”
“I like it.”
“I thought you would. Buy the book; it’s a good read.”
“I will, and thank you for stopping by.”
“I want to say one more thing: this impeachment is a really good idea because it’ll put AG Merrick Garland and Secretary Mayorkas in the crosshairs, which is where they belong.”
“Couldn’t agree with you more. If I remember correctly, didn’t you run a marriage counseling service at one time? How’s that going?”
“It’s not, and I’ll tell you why and I’ll be frank about it. I took down the ‘Professor Zorkophsky’s Marriage Counseling Service’ shingle because I couldn’t figure out women, that’s why. It was a hopeless cause, and it was doomed from the start.”
“But I’m sure you meant well.”
“That I did but, as they say, ‘The road to Purgatory is paved with good intentions,’ which is a lesson I had to learn myself.”
“How did that come about, you learning yourself?”
“Actually, it was years after the fact. My wife was a nurse and worked the 3-11 shift at the local hospital. Well, one night around 6:00 I had a question about what she had planned for me to feed our toddler, so I called the hospital only to be told, ‘She’s not here; it’s her day off.’ Quite a shock; matter of fact, the worst shock of my life. Okay, if she would rather be with other men, so be it and, because I loved her, I gave her what she wanted: her freedom by way of a divorce.”
“That makes sense; rather magnanimous of you, but I guess I would’ve done the same. I mean, she cheated, right?”
“That is true. Years later, as soon as I exited from the courthouse with the divorce decree, I called her to tell she was divorced when more than anything else I wanted to tell her that I loved her.”
“But you didn’t; you told her she was divorced. So, what’s the point?”
“The point is, when I called her, she was visiting my parents, and my mother told me my newly ex-wife cried. So, why would she cry?”
“People cry when they’re overwhelmed by happiness, right? We’ve all seen those videos of military people surprising their loved ones and, heck, we even cry along with them.”
“I know what you’re saying but I don’t think so. I think she cried real tears of sadness and, truthfully, if that’s true it’s the worst thing I’ve ever done in my life, making the person I loved – my best friend, my soulmate, my fellow traveler through life – cry.”
“But she cheated on you.”
“Yes, but you know, I never confronted her about that, much to my regret. Oh, well, that was years ago; water over the dam sort of thing.”
“So, what are you saying? You can’t help yourself so you can’t help others, is that it?”
“More like if I can’t even begin to understand my ex-wife, what hope do I have of understanding any woman? And if that’s the case – and I believe it is – I’ll never be any good as a marriage counselor since I messed up my own.”
“I see your point. And that’ll do it for this episode of ‘Pulse,’ the most-watched information show in its time slot. And so, this is your Roving Reporter, along with Professor Zorkophsky, wishing each of you a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Good show. Good luck on your new book. Burger time: my treat.”