by Roving Reporter, ©2022
(Apr. 17, 2022) — “That’s What Keeps the Rent Down” (3:22)
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. Back with us is Professor – please call me ‘Zork’ because I feel that it makes for a more relaxing atmosphere – Zorkophsky with yet more important information on how to help stave off the ugly effects of combat-induced PTSD. Welcome aboard, Zork; glad to have you back. What’s new with you?”
“Thank you for the introduction, and I’m proud to announce that I am a bona fide marriage counselor able and willing to help any marriage in need.”
“Do you have a license?”
“You need a license?”
“What about a certificate of some sort?”
“No, but I wrote a book about it, and I would like to hawk it now, if we may? Good. I start off by saying what not to do.”
“Tell us some.”
“Well, for one, don’t call your new wife by your ex-wife or last girlfriend’s name on your honeymoon.”
“That’s a good one; any more?”
“At least make some kind of feeble effort to remember your wedding anniversary, no matter how much discomfort, pain and regret it may cause.”
“That makes sense. So you have lots of what not to do; any what to dos?”
“Flowers or cards are always a safe bet. Here’s one thing a husband can count on: you’re always in the doghouse no matter how good the marriage seems to be going, so play it safe and send a card once in a while and not just at Valentine’s Day.”
“That sounds easy enough to do. Any more good stuff?”
“Unfortunately, no; that was basically it for the good stuff, I’m sorry to say. But the book is really about communication skills.”
“You mean talking?”
“Yes; maybe not in the details that caused the PTSD in the first place but overall, like a ‘Good morning’ and hold-the-car-door sort of thing.”
“So, talking is important and don’t shut yourself off from the world. Sounds like a real good book, Zork.”
“Thank you, Roving; coming from you that’s a real compliment. I just wish I had written the book years ago. One last point: for some unknown reason, women put unreasonable importance, in their mind, on ‘important days of remembrance,’ like the date of the first date. A word to the wise: just go along with the program; ask her what she thinks is important and write it down on the calendar to play it safe. One last bit of advice: flowers at any time is a good bet.”
“Good advice. And now we have to take a quick time-out for a commercial break. Be right back; don’t go anywhere.”
“Wedding March” (1:39)
“And we’re back. Zork had to leave to do some book signings. Our next guest is Jimmy from the great state of Illinois.”
“Bad roads.”
“Pardon me?”
“Bad roads; Illinois has some pretty bad roads, like in Charlotte, NC. The whole state of Illinois has bad roads and that prevents Illinois from being great, is all I’m saying.”
“Then how ‘bout ‘from the bad-road state, Illinois’? Will that do?”
“That’ll do just fine, Roving. Glad to be here and I never thought I’d ever be on ‘Pulse,’ the most-watched information show in its time slot. I like to state the obvious: this so-called ‘election’ of Biden-Harris is causing Western Civilization to implode to the point of no return, even if Trump is reelected, although if, say, he were to take his rightful – and legal – place as president right now, today, I think we would have a chance.”
“Yes, I agree. It seems that every day the Biden-Harris joke makes matters worse, no matter what they do. We have an army; why not use it and deport every unwanted from our shores, like now? Give me a company of Marines and I could clear out The Swamp in a day. And one more thing: I feel that voter fraud is treason and should be treated as such: firing squad works for me.”
“And I agree with you, Mr. Roving. Hear about the guy who collected for having a panic attack? He told his boss that he didn’t want any birthday party and she gave him one anyway, and guess what? He got fired; seems to me his boss is the one who should’ve been fired. Anyway, I said my piece. And I like the idea of cleaning out The Swamp, by the way. Ciao.”
“See you around. One more break.”
“The End of the World” (2:41)
“Okay, we’re back with a disgruntled government worker…”
“Employee.”
“We’re back with a government employee who works for, how did you put it, ‘a secret government agency?’”
“That is correct.”
“I see. Now, does this government agency actually do any work?”
“Yes, it does, but not what it’s supposed to do.”
“Is this secret government agency having anything to do with spying?”
“Yes, it does. This secret agency spies a lot but on the wrong people.”
“Interesting. If, say, this secret government agency had spied on Biden and his corrupt family instead of Trump, would we all be better off now than we are?”
“Only if it were made public.”
“So you’re saying that the FBI knew of all the crooked deals, everything that was in The Laptop from Hell was true, and just sat on it?”
“No, they didn’t just ‘sit on it’; they used it to gain an advantage, that’s what they did.”
“I grew up in Chicago and that’s what we call blackmail.”
“And they blackmailed the Obama (aka Barry Soetoro) administration to give them draconian powers to plan to kidnap governors and arrest innocent citizens for protesting the fraudulent election. Let me ask you a question.”
“Ask away.”
“You seem to have a connection with the paratroopers, so I am wondering what they’re up to; I mean, I know you can’t divulge any secrets.”
“Let me say this: if anyone ever used the word ‘insurrection’ with Jan. 6, I would seriously consider a life of contriteness from this day forward.”
“Thank you.”
“And I thank you, and that’ll do it for this round of ‘Pulse’: Goodnight.
“Good show. Burger time: my treat.”
[Last thoughts: On this blessed day, Easter Sunday, I want to take the time to remember Seal Team 6 and Ambassador Christopher Stevens and the other Americans who died trying to protect him. May their memory serve to seek justice for those responsible. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton had an unsecured internet server and an aide, Huma Abedin, who had ties to The Muslim Brotherhood, a terrorist organization that’s been outlawed in Egypt and other countries. I take a “2” and then add 2 and get 4; how about you? If we acted as irresponsible as Hillary, we would be in jail. Why isn’t she?]