If you're new here, you may want to subscribe to my free Email alerts. Thanks for visiting!
by OPOVV, ©2016
(Jul. 4, 2016) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. The other day we received a request to do a follow-up interview of the world-renowned psychologist, Professor Zorkophsky, who, according to the notes that Roving left, prefers to be called ‘Zork.’ Hello, I’m Chief Leaf and I’ll be your host for tonight’s segment of ‘Pulse of the Nation.’
“Thank you for agreeing to this follow-up interview, Professor Zork.”
“Just ‘Zork,’ if you would, please. I’m a psychologist AND a sociologist, as a reminder. I dare not use my full name; why, people would deduce that I am Russian and then expect me to say something about Fate, like some kind of Fyodor Dostoyevsky. It’s either ‘Call it Fate’ or else ‘Your fate will be’; maybe ‘Face it: it’s Fate.’”
“Okay, Zork it is. By the way, your housekeeper is the ugliest girl I’ve ever seen. Why, she has squirrel front teeth and a furry nose. Why do you keep her? How can you stand looking at her?”
“That ‘ugliest girl you’ve ever seen’ just happens to be my daughter. It happened when my wife and I were young. My wife was a molecular manipulator of genes back then. Ever hear of the cowapotamus? ‘Cow-uh-pot-uh-muhs. Cross between a cow and a hippopotamus?”
“No. But whatever in heaven’s name for in the first place?”
“To eat the floating hyacinth and the Kudzu plant, a real pest of a problem in Florida.”
“Well, we’ve the manatee for the hyacinth.”
“You would if you wouldn’t kill them with your pollution and boat propellers. Apparently your boating industry is more important than keeping your waterways flowing freely instead of becoming stagnant mosquito hatcheries. And you don’t have any Kudzu herbivores roaming around Florida, do you?”
“You got me there. So what happened?”
“Picture this: you got your hippopotamus’s body — that’s white with black spots, like a Holstein — and it moos so loudly you can hear it five miles away. It grazes on land like a real cow and in the water like a real hippopotamus. Has a head that looks like a cow but with oversized lips. There’s more that was a little wrong with the cowapotamus.”
“It got a real kick out of overturning boats and chasing people. Oh, it wouldn’t hurt people, just scare the bejesus out of them, is all.”
“I see your point. Too bad: there’s a lot of Kudzu in the South. And so, getting back to the daughter; what, you crossed some human genes with a squirrel, for what possible purpose?”
“We lived in an area of Southern Ukraine where there’s lots of nut trees.”
“I’m not hearing any of this. You mean you purposely bred your daughter, your very own daughter, to gather nuts?”
“Look, it seemed like a good idea at the time. Who knew we would end up here in our old age? Who knew?”
“Is she part squirrel in other places?”
“Oh, no, just her nose and teeth; plus she enjoys collecting stuff; that goes without saying.”
“’Goes without saying’; and you better believe it. Do you realize we’ll have to edit out everything that’s been said? This is preposterous. ‘Cowapotamus.’ Well, if I didn’t see your daughter I’d have to say you’ve been pulling my leg. This ridiculousness has to stop. Roving enjoys this kind of thing, but not me. Keep my feet planted firmly on the floor. All right, then: what’s the news? What is it you’ve got to say?”
“You’re the one who brought up my daughter’s looks, I just want you to be aware of that. I’ve just concluded my research and submitted my manuscript to a number of publishers.”
“Okay, then, summarize it for us, if you would, please.”
“For sure. There are just too many people in the world, for one, and, another thing, our architecture leaves a heck of a lot to be desired. Imagine, we’ve the amazing technology to travel to the moon and back but we can’t design an apartment complex – condominiums: call them whatever you will: big ugly boxes that humans live in – that meet even the most basic needs of a human being.
“We construct apartment buildings in the Northern Hemisphere that face north, now what’s the sense of that? They never get any sun. People need sun. And so do plants. No room for a Victory garden; maybe every apartment has 40 square feet of roof space or a balcony that faces south. Understand?
“Listen: we go to the moon. We race faster-than-the-dickens Formula One cars but we build ghettos; slums; ‘projects’; breeding grounds for failure. Why, do you know that ISIS collects their losers from the city and not from kids who ever lived on a farm? Did you know that?
“We have television, and look what it’s done to us. Ever since Obama came upon the scene, the advertisements of blacks on commercials has increased from 2 out of 10 to 8 out of 10, yet they – the African-American community – make-up only 13% of the population. It’s the ‘subtle’ brainwashing of the news media that’s owned by foreign interests – read ‘owned and controlled’ by Arabs – petrol dollars at work coming home to destroy us – and we just go on, day after day, like everything is alright.
“Everything is NOT ALRIGHT. We are in the process of being invaded and we’re not doing one darn thing about it. Anyway, I wrote my paper that supports my findings. Remember a few years ago there was the Kiryat supermarket bombing? Anyway, someone wrote a play about it and wanted to put it on but WAS NOT ALLOWED TO. The major and other cowards ‘didn’t want to offend anyone.’
“Look, I know ‘Pulse of the Nation’ doesn’t accept four-letter words, but you better accept these: ‘LOST’ and ‘DEAD.’ Get it?
“The Muslim Brotherhood is the granddaddy of all of the terrorist organizations. They are one with the government of Iran, and ALL the other terrorist organizations are under the umbrella of the Muslim Brotherhood. CAIR is the American banker of the Muslim Brotherhood, got it? Furthermore, the goal of the Muslims Brotherhood/Iran is to have a world caliphate, i.e., ‘One World Order,’ which isn’t new to us, is it?
“I make it my business to be correct in what I write in my bestsellers and what I teach in my class. I say that manipulating our food supply – to the extent that we are, ever since Gregor Mendel and his peas – has gone overboard in the pursuit of monetary profits and what may not be so beneficial to the human race in the future.
“I teach that the European Union, the EU, was a mistake; that people who retain their language, customs and borders is to the benefit of us all; and I preach, yes, preach a MEDICAL screening process of sorts between, let’s say, across oceans at a minimum and across all borders at the best.
“I teach that self-sufficiency – to NOT rely on the government for sustenance in any way (it’s called ‘FREEDOM’ – is what every citizen needs to strive for. Why, just look how vulnerable our electrical grid is. Unacceptable! And we have the means to fix it all; to put it right; to make us FREE; get it?
“I teach that diversification — in all its reasonable forms of human endeavors — should be applauded rather than executing people who haven’t been brainwashed into becoming raving psychotics, like the followers of ‘Kill the Jews, Christians and all other nonbelievers wherever Ye may find them.’”
“What about your daughter? How do explain that away?”
“I explain her by unequivocally stating that a mistake was made; that we shouldn’t have tampered with Nature; that we made a very bad decision.”
“Well, interesting conversation. Could you please encapsulate it once again for us?”
“These Gestapo-like American seed companies are a real problem; this ‘clear-cutting’ so we can construct more efficiently doesn’t take into account the wildlife already living there, let alone the trees; and this government social engineering by paying for babies brought forth that the mother and father can’t afford to raise is a symptom of the whole social structure – the whole CULTURE – in its last days unless we use the brain cells that the Good Lord gave us in the first place. And that’s all that I have to say at this time, so if you’ll excuse me?”
“Yes, of course, and thank you for telling it like it is. I’d like to throw in a little editorial of my own, if I may, it being the 4th of July and all.
“And the more I looked the closer it became, like a huge monster from a sci-fi flick: alien being attacking and you can’t run. Even if you could, there’s nowhere to run to. Step-by-step; louder-and-louder until the roar became individual retorts of bombs going off; napalm ‘whooshing’; cannon and mortars firing; machine guns ‘tat-tat-tatting’; even deciphering which make of rifle was just fired; to the big naval guns less than a mile away, causing one heck of a Big Bang that rippled through the air like thunder.
“So what I’m saying is these fireworks on the 4th are no big deal; it’s not like a positive. What is, however, a positive is watching our Veterans proudly march in our local parade.
“No, I won’t be marching in any parade and I don’t do ‘The Stand-Up’ at ballgames or in church when they ask for members of the military to ‘Please stand when you hear your service anthem being played.’ I just can’t handle the ‘Thank you for your service’ and either ‘We’re so proud of you’ or ‘You must be very proud.’
“If I told you the truth; the real stories of what I did, or what others did when we were fighting – LITERALLY – for our lives, you wouldn’t believe me, believe me. You wouldn’t have a clue. Each of us went through our own little hell, and some of us seem to be able to cope with it better than others. Me? I don’t want to be rude when some well-meaning person asks, ‘What did you do over there?’
“Sorry, it’s not that I want to go down that road; it’s that I can’t go down that road. It’s over, and as far as anybody on the planet earth is concerned, I was never in the military. I’m sorry; I don’t want to talk about it.
‘And so, on behalf of the crew here, this is Chief New Leaf saying goodnight: Goodnight.”
“Gee, another long-winded interview. Why can’t I get lucky like Roving? But how about that daughter: no way, why, what if she, well, no, we won’t even think about it. Little kids with claws, clinging to tree trucks while upside down. What do you say we grab a couple of burgers? My treat.”