by Roving Reporter, ©2023
(Oct. 23, 2023) — “Justice for All” (2:24)
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the ‘Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. Our featured guest, Professor Zorkophsky, is back to hawk his autobiography, ‘Back in the Day.’ Welcome back, Professor. Another bestseller?”
“But of course, Roving, another bunch of money coming my way, but this time it’ll all go to charity.”
“You mean to say that you won’t make any money from it?”
“No, I don’t mean to say that at all. I’ll make a ton of money from it by ‘creative bookkeeping.’”
“Clue us in. What, pray tell, is ‘creative bookkeeping?’”
“I got the idea from Congress, believe it or not. Maybe a senator needs a new car: creative bookkeeping. Maybe a representative needs a cabin in the woods, or his brother-in-law; maybe his son: creative bookkeeping.”
“I see, but isn’t that against the law?”
“Nope, not if you actually give some of it away, like to a real charity, like mine for instance.”
“What charity are you responsible for? I never heard of it.”
“You never heard of it because it’s a secret charity, that’s why.”
“If it’s so secret, how can anybody ever donate to it?”
“That is a perplexing question, I’ll give you that.”
“But you haven’t answered anything yet.”
“When’s the last time you listen to the drivel Mitch McConnell dishes out? Or Chuck Schumer? Get real, Roving, Congress is a money-laundering scam, the biggest one going. Either join in or get left behind.”
“By buying your book?”
“Bingo! Buy the book, donate to my charity, and feel good about yourself. Or donate to the Dems or vote for the Dems. If you vote for the Dems, you can feel good about yourself that they don’t give a hoot about you and laugh at you behind your back, or right in your face, as the people on The View do by saying outlandish things that they expect the audience to swallow without question, which they do. Don’t blame me for other people’s stupidity; blame them.”
“I don’t believe this.”
“Wait, don’t make faces; hear me out. All I’m doing is parroting members of Congress, that’s all; it’s just a way of scamming money, like this Ukraine thing. Ukraine means kickbacks, and kickbacks means money is being laundered somewhere by someone who is cooking the books for somebody. Simple. I write books, people buy books; I get a cabin in the woods. I’ll label the cabin a ‘Retreat for Troubled Kids.’ I was a troubled kid and I believe I still am, ergo the quaint cabin in the woods is mine to enjoy during my retirement while I prepare to meet my Maker.”
“I’m not sure if I’m confused or not.”
“Don’t be. Call for a commercial break.”
“Good idea: I’ll do just that. Excuse us, please, while we break for a short commercial.”
“Madam Butterfly” (4:39)
“And we’re back with Professor Zorkophsky, who asked if I call him ‘Zork.’ He says it makes for a more relaxing atmosphere. Okay, Zork, you wrote your autobiography. Tell us a highlight if you will.”
“Sorry, can’t do that; it’ll spoil the book. I’ll just say my life has been a series of colossal mistakes with one spectacular achievement that ended in a spectacular failure. I married a high school classmate who cheated on me.”
“That’s it?”
“Well, there’s one chapter about how I started a rather successful business, not to be too modest about it.”
“Oh, what was that?”
“It’s just a simple deterrent to prevent a home invasion, at least give the occupants time to be armed. The threshold consists of a camouflage net that springs up and flies off with anyone standing on it. And it’s cheap, too. The spring mechanism consists of a front coil spring from a junkyard car. The deluxe model can fling whoever is caught a quarter-mile.”
“But aren’t you worried someone might get hurt?”
“No, not at all. First of all, nobody has the right to bang on your door a 4:00 in the morning. If they want to talk to you, use the phone, like the FBI’s raid on Roger Stone. Totally uncalled-for, and the Fake News was there to film it all. With my contraption, those agents would’ve been tossed in the canal, maybe eaten by gators.”
“But wouldn’t you feel bad about FBI agents being eaten by gators?”
“Look at it this way: people who follow illegal orders get what they deserve. Maybe your next-door neighbor is one of those Capitol police who beat up Jan. Sixers. Well, they deserve to be ‘netted.’ Look at it as a practical joke. And it’s quite affordable, my protective home defense net.”
“I like it. Tell me how to order a couple, one for the front door, one for the back. Oh, and another one for the sliding glass door.”
“Buy the book; it comes with a convenient order form.”
“Will do. Alright, that’ll do it for this episode, so this is you Roving Reporter, along with Zork, wishing all of you a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Good show. Burger time: my treat.”
“Tramp” (2:59)
Roving Reporter