by Roving Reporter, ©2023
(Sep. 25, 2023) — “Justice for All” (2:24)
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. Today’s featured guest is a retired border guard, Mr. Max Vespa, who has a solution to our immigration crisis and our national debt rolled into one, so he says. Welcome to ‘Pulse,’ the most-watched information show in its time slot. Welcome aboard, Mr. Vespa; glad to have you aboard.”
“And so very proud to be on your most important show. Longtime fan of yours, by the way. Watched you when you were on the sidewalk under the awning across the street from the train station. I retired a few years ago and I think I have at least a partial solution to our current crisis.”
“You do? That would be nice; let’s hear it.”
“They say that the National Debt breaks down to about $250,000 per person, so I propose charging the illegals that much plus the cost of a physical to see if they are carrying any communicable diseases.”
“What about speaking the language of the land, English?”
“That, too.”
“I don’t think so, although your idea does have merit. Why not have them enter legally in the first place?”
“I was thinking along the lines of illegals paying us instead of the cartels.”
“I like the idea of the illegals paying us, but even better I like the idea of being honest in the first place and enter our country in a legal manner, but nice try. Thanks for stopping by. We’ll take a short break.”
“I’m Gonna Sit Right Down and Write Myself A Letter” (2:07)
“I’m back with an observation: if women are so adept when doing makeup, why can’t they back up into a parking space? And look who just walked in but Professor Wert. I had a feeling that our first guest wouldn’t last so I want to thank you for jumping in. What’s new with you?”
“What’s new with me is that I just sold my idea for a TV series. They even gave me an advance.”
“Well, don’t keep us in suspense; what’s it all about?”
“It’s a story about a guy and his cat. So, one day the guy thinks what it would be like to switch minds, not bodies, just thoughts, and it happened. His mind was in the cat’s brain and vice- versa. He forgot to stop and buy cat food the night before, so he tells the cat in the human body to get the keys and they’ll drive to the store. Now, on the way to the store a cop stops them for speeding. The cop approaches the car. The cat in the human body puts his paw – hand – over his mouth and says, ‘Meow.’
“‘Pardon me?’”
“Cat speaking, ‘Oh, excuse me, officer, I was just calming the cat. Put your paw – hand – over your mouth when you talk.’”
“‘Were you talking to me?’”
“Cat – human – puts his paw – hand – over his mouth while the cat says, ‘Oh, excuse me, officer, I was talking to the cat.’”
“’I knew today was going to be one of those days, and I was right. You always drive with your cat on the dash? No, don’t answer. You run along now.’”
“’No! Don’t get out and run! The officer was talking metaphorically. Just drive, but slower.’”
“The camera pulls back while the guy and the cat drive off. The officer is standing there scratching his head, and that’s the first act of the TV show. What do you think?”
“I think we take a break.”
“Oh Where Can My Baby Be” (2:27)
“We sent Professor Wert home with some good wishes that his TV program works out. By coincidence or an act of Fate, our favorite General was pushing his chalkboard down the sidewalk while we showed Professor Wert the way home. Welcome back to the show, General.”
“Glad to help, to give a hand in time of need. It’s the Army way, soldier. What are you, working undercover?”
“Why do you ask that?”
“You must be working undercover because that sure isn’t any Army uniform I’ve ever seen. What are those, work boots? You could have at least shined them. And where did you get that haircut? That’s not Army issue, is it? What’s that, a mouse? Don’t you know if it moves you salute it and if it doesn’t move you paint it? You do know that, don’t you, soldier?”
“I’m out, Sir.”
“Nonsense; you took the Oath, didn’t you? You’re not some traitor like that Biden fellow, are you? He took the Oath to protect the United States and you can’t protect the United States with a wide-open border, now, can you? Don’t answer. Even though I’m retired, I’m still a General. Now listen up.”
“I’m listening, General.”
“I’m only going to say this once, so pay attention.”
“I’m all ears, Sir.”
“You better be. Every Veteran out there, you all took the Oath, and it didn’t come with an expiration date, now, did it?”
“No, Sir, it did not. The Oath is forever.”
“Very good, soldier. Which means this: every Veteran is hereby drafted into TRUMP’S RESERVE ARMY [‘Trump Won’ (3:30)], and when Trump needs our help, we’ll be there to lend any assistance that he may require, understand?”
“Understood, General.”
“One more time: understand?”
“I understand that if and when Trump [‘Try That in a Small Town‘ (3:00)] needs the assistance of millions of armed Veterans, we’ll be ready and able at a moment’s notice to help him in any way we can, SO HELP US GOD. We will be today’s MINUTEMEN. We will stand tall in Lexington and Concord, on Pennsylvania Avenue and everywhere else that needs attention, from every police station to every armory, from every Air Force base and on every NAVY ship. We will do whatever it takes to win. My advice: don’t be a target and use the excuse of ‘I was only doing my job’; that doesn’t cut it.”
“Well said, soldier. Carry on.”
“Thank you, Sir. I’m off to the shooting range: Goodnight.
“Good show. Burger time: my treat.”
“’81 Million Votes, My A**” (3:13)