by Roving Reporter, ©2025
(Apr. 10, 2025) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. We’re running a little late so here’s the scoop. We’re at Archbishop Dunkin’s little church down on Hawthorn Street to see Henry’s new play, ‘Duck Lake.’ The curtain is going up so let’s sit back and enjoy the show.
The house lights have dimmed. The curtain is rising to “Swan Lake” (2:59) as the ‘Lady Can-Can Frogs’ are trying to do ballet with a few mis-pirouettes along the way. The scenery is that of a United States Navy destroyer’s bridge. The actors are a mix between humans and frogs. The officer frogs have been sprayed with gold paint while the enlisted frogs are a light blue. At the end of the song the can-can frogs exit stage right. The stage is dark except for one spotlight above the bridge.
“Captain is on the bridge!”
The captain hops to the helm, climbs up and sits in the center facing forward.
“Okay, will somebody clue me in as to where we are and why?”
The Officer of the Deck speaks up.
“Captain, we’re off the coast of Taiwan going around in circles, as ordered by CINCPAC*. By the way, Seaman Nelson won the lottery as to how many circles we completed in the last 24-hour period.”
“Very well. What was the winning number?”
“13, Sir.”
“How much did he win?”
“He won $76, Sir.”
“Very well, make a note of it in the ship’s log. What else is going on?”
“Well, the Chinese seem to be pokin’ where they shouldn’t be pokin’.”
“How many nuclear warheads on board?”
“There are 30 missiles with nukes, 120 with conventional warheads, Sir.”
“What do you say we put the nukes first in line to be loaded onto the launchers? Make it so.”
“Aye-aye, Sir, nukes first in line.”
“What’s for chow?”
“Fresh worms and for the crew, lasagna.”
“Very well. I’ll be in my stateroom.”
The captain hops off the helm and leaves the bridge.
“Captain is off the bridge!”
The curtain lowers to polite applause. The house lights brighten as the Lady Frogs enter from the right and dance the Can-Can (1:09). As the dance ends and the music stops, the curtain rises to Henry sitting atop a 6’ ladder.
“Hello, I’m Henry, the writer, and I played the captain in the last skit we performed for you. This short intermission is what I call the ‘Ask Me Anything Segment’ of the play so I’ll take any questions on any subject. Yes, the lady in the blue dress, what is your question?”
“I understand that you were the co-writer of the editorial, ‘Archeological Discovery!’ which was written by Professor Zorkophsky. According to science, humans weren’t around in the time of dinosaurs, 65 million years ago.”
“Yes, but according to the ‘The Flintstones,’ humans were around and spoke English.”
“But the Flintstones are cartoon characters and not real people.”
“Then let me ask you this: were the Flintstones on TV?”
“Why, of course they were, for many years, I might add.”
“And there’s your proof. If it weren’t true, it wouldn’t be on TV; end of story.”
“You mean like the ‘Russian Collusion Hoax?‘ Just because it was reported by, well, by not- so-smart people, it must be true?”
“Precisely. And all the other blatant lies about Trump, even the lies told yesterday, today and next week. It’ll never end. My mother watched MSNBC and CNN exclusively and she was nuts, just as looney as my neighbor who lives down the hill. Talk about being in the dark. This guy actually said to me, ‘If Trump wins, I’m going MAGA-hunting.’ No lie; the FAKE NEWS has told ‘Trump’ lies for hour after hour and year after year; if you don’t believe me, ask any viewer of ‘The View” if Trump is guilty of ‘Russian Collusion’ and the ‘destroyer of Democracy.’ I’m sorry, but we must get back to our play.”
The house lights dim as the music of ‘Victory at Sea’ (0:57) is heard and the curtain is lowered, hesitates, and opens to the stage set as the aft of the ship. It’s night and a few sailors are lounging around under the missile launcher. The sailors are wearing dungarees and ball caps.
“Did I hear you say that the nuke missiles will be first in line?”
“Look, I was there. I saw it firsthand; the nukes are first in line.”
“Well, now, that kind of ups the ante, wouldn’t you agree?”
“Most definitely. Let’s just hope the Chinese know what they’re getting into.”
“But they should know beforehand; I mean, if there’s a knife fight scheduled you shouldn’t bring a gun. I’m right, aren’t I? I mean, like in ‘West Side Story‘ (2:42), you don’t bring a knife to a brawl.”
“Face it; people cheat. And how do we know the first Chinese missiles aimed at Taiwan won’t be nukes or aimed at us?”
“Well, it seems a little too far-fetched for me. Our missile can hit its target, so who needs nukes?”
“To make a point.”
“What’s the point? Destroyed is destroyed.”
“It’s like this. You and your neighbor are at odds, so you decide to build a fence, okay?”
“I get it; you put up a fence, so what?”
“But not a wooden fence with slats that you can see through. And not a chain-link fence. No, build a replica of the ‘Great Wall of China.’ Nip it in the bud, so to speak: 15 feet high and wide; made of granite stone, tons each.”
“But that would be overkill to the nth degree.”
“Which is the point. The captain will nip any attack on us ‘in the bud’; get it?”
“Got it.”
The curtain lowers as the house lights brighten to the music of ‘Guadalcanal March’ (3:06), at which time the actors, frogs and humans along with the Can-Can dancers cross the stage, stop and bow, and exit stage left to thunderous applause.
FINI
“This is your Roving Reporter wishing each of you a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Good show. The FAKE NEWS is for real a real problem. Burger time.”
[*CINCPAC: Commander in Chief Pacific Headquarters.]
“Goodbye Baby” (2:08)
Roving Reporter
Mr. Roving definitely has his ducks in a row. :)