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by OPOVV, ©2016

(Oct. 25, 2016) — “Welcome to ‘Pulse of the Nation,’ the ever-popular show that educates as much as it entertains. Hello, I’m your Roving Reporter and with me is Professor Zorkophsky, the renowned author of best-sellers and excellent guest speaker on the ‘Chicken Salad’ circuit.

“Professor, your latest book, ‘When Insanity is Accepted: Are We as Nutty as They Are?’ is literally flying off the shelves. To what do you attribute your success?”

“A good breakfast. No, I am not joking! I do not joke about breakfast. I joke about your brunches, lunches and dunches, but never breakfast.”

“What the heck are ‘dunches?’”

“It’s the meal between lunch and dinner, what you think? Now listen, after breakfast you get to work! Work hard and you’ll be a success. Save your money. But above all, beware of the women! My Sophie – may she rest in peace – was a saint, or is it ‘saintess?'” You know, a female saint.”

“I wouldn’t know about that, Professor. Let’s get back to your book. In it – I believe in Chapter 3 – you state, ‘People who accept insanity as normal behavior put themselves on the wacko list.’ Is there such a list and, if there is, where is it?”

“No, no; you missed it, see? Look again, there’s a footnote on page 43, at the bottom. Look closely and you’ll see: ‘To receive a copy of wacko list send $19.95 to Professor Zorkophsky, c/o University,’ but it is a joke.”

“$19.95 a joke?”

“Plus shipping and handling.”

“You got to be kidding?”

“No kid. I divulge breakfast secret, what more do you want? Look, I’m thinking of retirement. You know what the professor’s lounge has become? A retirement discussion group, that’s what. Why, one would think we’re county employees the way we go on and on about being vested and 401’s and how many years, days and hours to retirement. It’s disgusting. I’m at 80%, by the way.”

“That’s really nice, but about this ‘Wacko List’: who’s on it?”

“First and foremost are the ‘Flat Earth’ people, closely followed by the ‘Holocaust Deniers.’”

“Are there really ‘Flat Earth’ people? Haven’t they seen photographs of earth from space? It’s round.”

“And they take a pair of scissors and cut out a circle from a piece of paper and lay it down flat on the table and they proclaim, ‘Presto! Flat Earth!’”

“Unbelievable. What about the ovens at Auschwitz?”

“Conspiracy, number ONE followed by ‘Mass Hypnosis,’ number TWO. And then there’s the ‘Refuse to hear Hillary’s lies’ and ‘Islam is peaceful and misunderstood.’”

“Anything else for $19.95, plus postage and handling?”

“Yes, matter-of-fact, there is. Along with the wacko list you receive a complimentary CD that has everything Eric Holder, Loretta Lynch, Obama and Hillary have said in public, which has been digitally enhanced for listener satisfaction.”

“Any more surprises?”

“Discounts on coloring pencil sets, crayons and party favors, along with the usual discounts on American and Rebel flags. And for Halloween we have burqas on sale: pink for girls and black ones for boys.”

“Burqas for boys?”

“Sure, but we don’t call them ‘burqas,’ we call them ‘urban camouflage uniforms.’”

“Getting back to the insanity bit, what made you determine that Muslims – the followers of Islam – are in actuality insane human beings? By the way, please define ‘insanity’ for us.”

“Be glad to: the clinical accepted definition of an insane person is when that person has gone bananas and the phrase ‘gone bananas’ means not living by  — on purpose, mind you — the Golden Rule.”

“That sounds reasonable. Any more?”

“’Bonkers’ is big in England; ‘postal’ in the U.S.; ‘over-the-edge’; ‘nuts’; ‘anti-American’; ‘pro-Hillary’ and so on.”

“You mean being pro-Hillary means you’re nuts?”

“Anyone who would voluntarily give up hard-won freedoms has to be nuts. Open borders leads to Americans getting raped and murdered. NAFTA allows for semi trucks with faulty brakes, bald tires and drugged and drunk bad drivers to kill our citizens. The list goes on. It’s really depressing.”

“I notice you have two editions in print. One is for Chicagoland and the other is for the rest of the country. What’s the difference between the two?”

“The one for Chicago is missing the last chapter: Chapter 29: Voting Fraud. You see, everyone who has had anything to do with Chicago knows for a fact of life that voting fraud is a way of life. Here’s an interesting tidbit: the Republicans have never – at least in the history of Cook County – had a fraudulent election in their favor.”

“Well, Professor Zork, thank you for sharing your insights with us, and we wish you great success for your new book, ‘When Insanity is Accepted.’”

“Thank you, Roving. As long as our government allows Muslims in our country — people who refuse to assimilate (read ‘accept the Constitution as the law of the land’) – and as long as we refuse to deport the millions of the illegal immigrants maybe it is we who are the nut-cases. Nice talking with you.”

“And I see that our time has expired and so, on behalf of the crew, this is your Roving Reporter wishing you all a goodnight: Goodnight.

“Good show. Hey, Zork, what do you say we all go to the burger joint here on the campus and grab some burger: my treat.”

“Happy Trails”





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