by Roving Reporter, ©2025
(Jan. 7, 2025) — “Ring on Her Finger, Time on Her Hands” (3:41)
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. As you can see, we’re at Bishop Dunkin’s quaint church down on Hawthorn Street which is packed to the gills. The church furniture has been removed from the sanctuary as Henry walks from the right to center stage as the house lights dim. A spotlight shines above Henry as he climbs to the top of a stepladder and addresses the audience.”
Henry: “To be or not.”
From the audience comes a catcall: “It’s been done before.”
Henry: “It is the winter of our discontent.”
Another catcall from the audience: “Who else is bored?”
Henry: “Once upon a time.”
Murmurs from the audience.
Henry: “Stop it! I’m just the actor. If you want to rat on somebody, rat on the author*. Let’s try again. Lend me an ear.”
Catcall: “What, of corn?”
Laughter from the audience.
Henry: “Alright, what do you say we start over? This play is some kind of dramatic tear-jerker where everyone is supposed to cry at the end, but we’ll never get there if I keep getting interrupted.”
Catcall: “Can’t have an end without a beginning.”
Henry: “So true, but it seems to me that interruptions make an end, wouldn’t you agree?”
Question from the audience: “What’s the point?”
Henry: “The point is that there’s different kinds of endings, the interrupted kind and the ones that go to the end.”
From the audience: “What kind is this one?”
Henry: “The interrupted kind. You see, the Good Lord made it so to make one takes two. What I’m saying is, a man isn’t complete without a woman just as a woman isn’t complete without a man. It takes two to tangle. It takes two to survive to get through life. Two different viewpoints looking at the same problem are always better than one. It’s called marriage between a man and a woman.”
Catcall from the audience: “You’re preachin’ to the choir.”
Henry: “Marriage isn’t like a first date and then ends. Marriage is a forever partnership based on trust. Now you could say there’s all kinds of trust.”
Catcall: “Like what?”
Henry: “Like all kinds. One trust is whoever used your hammer — or some other tool — to return it to the same spot in equal or better condition in which it was borrowed. Another one is that the spouse doesn’t cheat and transmit some STD. That’s what Zork’s wife did: not the disease part, but the cheating part. PTSD always rears its ugly head, no doubt about it, and it bodes ill for any marriage, but trust in one another is one sure cure.”
Someone in the audience says: “When do we start crying?”
Henry: “Most marriages go through some pretty tough times, and the ones that last are a testament to the power of forgiveness, the power of redemption to fulfill the marriage contract through thick and thin, which is why divorce holds a stigma, right or wrong.”
Catcall: “Now can we cry?”
Henry: “Almost. Too many of our Veterans murder themselves every day; now, that’s a fact; no sense ‘fact-checking’ it. And speaking of ‘fact-checking,’ if the current administration would come clean about the stolen 2020 election, then there be no need for any of this totally ridiculous ‘fact-checking’ in the first place; ever think of that? Anyway, the key to survive combat-related PTSD is to talk about it, at least make the effort, and that’s where a caring spouse enters the picture. And it works both ways; it’s a two-way street, give and take, ying and yang; remember that.”
Catcall: “Was that the end?”
Henry: “I’d say right about now you can kiss your $2.50 goodbye because there’s no refunds.”
At which point Henry hops off the ladder as the house lights brighten and the Lady Frog “Can Can” (2:19) dancers go through their routine.
FINI
“That’s it. Goodnight.”
[*Author: Professor ‘Trash the masks’ Zorkophsky.]
“Don’t You Care” (2:25)
Roving Reporter