by Roving Reporter, ©2024
(Oct. 31, 2024) — “Wives and Lovers” (2:33)
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. We’re at the ‘Gathering of the Nuts Symposium’ and this year’s guest speaker is none other than Professor Zorkophsky, a VA casualty because he refused to prescribe downers to his PTSD patients. His position was ‘masking symptoms is not treating the cause.’ And here he is, approaching the lectern a little to stage right. Let’s listen in.”
“Good evening, fellow practitioners of the new frontier, the human mind. Thank you for the warm applause and, as a reminder, signed collections of my bestsellers will be for sale in the lobby after my speech. The price will be heavily discounted, so you’ll be paying just about retail.
“When I got back to ‘The World’ after four years of traveling around the world while in the Navy, it took me years to shake the feeling of being on another planet, of being spied on. I used to spin around hopefully to catch whatever person or device they had assigned to me, but, as I said, years later I just stopped caring. Maybe this is somewhere else, but it really doesn’t make any difference anymore. In psychiatric terms we call it ‘accepting reality, even if it isn’t.’
“The VA has turned to the biggest drug dealer in the world. They prescribe morphine-like substances to hook the unsuspecting and when the unsuspecting requests a refill, too bad. They then are forced to turn to heroin from the neighborhood drug dealer, eat a bullet in the parking lot, or suffer the agony of withdrawals; the VA doesn’t give a hoot. Rather than wean the patient off the habit-forming drugs, they turn their backs on the responsibility of creating a full-blown drug addict. My advice as a professional psychiatrist specializing in treating combat- related PTSD patients is to stay far, far away from the VA and find some friends in the same boat.
“The American Legion is but one organization that could be a great help, but remember, alcohol is but a crutch, not the cure. The cure is to trash the drugs, from beer to cigarettes, from vodka to cigars, and from Quaaludes to marijuana. The goal is not to be wired, to cure paranoia, and to render the sufferer calm.
“The price of PTSD is very high. PTSD has been the root cause of the divorces – I’m talking military here. I paid the price, to my everlasting regret. I guess the time I realized my ex-wife didn’t need me as much as I needed her, she told me to leave. So I did; filed for divorce and regretted it ever since. I’d rather go through another 17 years of PTSD than divorcing the woman I loved because PTSD is curable*; divorce is not.
“In conclusion, if you are or know of someone who may suffer from the terrible mental illness known as PTSD, or ‘shell shock,’ tell them to avoid the VA and find some fellow ex-military who have a similar problem. Not so hard; they’re out there. Thank you for being such an attentive audience.
“I’m supposed to read this? Please remain seated while the lady frogs perform the ‘Can Can’ (1:33). Thank you.”
The lady frogs perform. After a thunderous applause the stage is bare. Lights dim. The hall is empty and we’re out of here.
“Goodnight.”
[PTSD is curable: True.]
“Something” (2:59)