by Roving Reporter, ©2023
(May 9, 2023) — “Yes, I’m Ready” (3:35)
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. As our country is being destroyed (2:24) by the loonies on the Left, our Veterans are calling it quits by committing suicide at record rates. With us today to address this nationwide problem is Professor Zorkophsky, a Vietnam Veteran himself who came back whacked out of his mind, had a recurring nightmare for 17 years and, somehow, made it this far. Welcome to ‘Pulse,’ the most-watched information show in its time slot.”
“And so very glad to be here on ‘Pulse.’ To preface my statements, if any of you out there know of a Veteran who could use a helping hand with absolutely no cost whatsoever, have them read the transcript of this broadcast; you’ll be glad you did and they’ll thank you for it.”
“That sounds rather ominous; what you got?”
“I have some advice. My case of PTSD was not unique at all. Came back into the world and went bonkers; thought that I was on a different planet; was paranoid about being constantly spied upon (I never knew); tried to cure myself through drugs and alcohol and ended up getting divorced from the best thing that ever happened to me.”
“That sounds rather sad.”
“Here’s the thing: PTSD can be ‘cured’ – I suffered the same napalm-colored nightmare for 17 YEARS – while there is no ‘cure’ for a divorce. It’s a crying shame that I cured myself of my nightmares, the drinking and the drugs just a few years after my divorce. Classic story of ‘too little, too late’ if you ever heard one.”
“So, what’s your advice to those out there who need help?”
“Stay far away from the VA and their pills, trust me. Form a group that you can relate to, not necessarily ‘talk-it-to-death,’ but like-minded individuals who want to escape the never-ending spiral into oblivion.”
“Easier said than done, isn’t that right?”
“Of course, but what are the alternatives? You have, on the one hand, success while on the other, failure. There’s no guarantee, but it’s a heck of a lot better than the alternative. Take my advice.”
“What happened first, quitting the drugs and then the nightmares followed or the other way around?”
“Good question. My nightmares stopped but by then I was hooked on the drugs. Really, now, I didn’t believe I was free of the nightmares so I kept on drinking, smoking and the drugs when one day, out of the blue, as I was opening the refrigerator door to grab the 11th beer of a 12-pack that night, I just said, ‘That’s it; no more.’ And it was; I even saved the last two beers of that 12-pack for over 20 years, I kid you not. A month later I did my last drug and smoked my last cigarette.”
“That’s quite a story.”
“Isn’t it, though? I became the man that my divorced wife married. I was watching an episode of ‘Monk’ (his wife died) where he said he keeps going on – living — to be the kind of man his wife would want him to be.”
“Now that is sad. So, you miss the divorced wife, right?”
“That is so true, but the way I look at it is that if we commit suicide we won’t go to heaven. I won’t see my deceased pets and my parents and others I cared about in life. Most of all, I want to get to heaven to say how very sorry I am to the girl I wanted to spend every day of my life with but, because I could’ve handled my PTSD a lot better than I did, I sold myself short and, more important, her, too.”
“What about marriage counseling; did you ever try that?”
“No, but that’s what I do now; I mean, I’m a marriage counselor. Basically, I convince the PTSD-afflicted that any drug is a crutch and Jesus would want all of us to stand on our own two feet, drug-free. No beer, cigarettes, marijuana, none of that stuff. That’s for kids; got to grow up sometime.”
“How right you are, and I see we’ve run out of time. I think you may have saved a few out there; at least I hope so. ‘Pulse’ and its guest are Trump (3:30) supporters all the way. This is your Roving Reporter, on behalf of Professor Zorkophsky, wishing each of you a good night: Goodnight.
“Good show. Pardon me? Next time call you ‘Zork?’ Count on it. Burger time: my treat.”