by Roving Reporter, ©2024
(Sep. 20, 2024) — “Nashville Cats” (2:39)
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. Professor Wert sent us a notice that his latest children’s book, ‘Cats Get Big at Night,’ has reached #1 and we’re lucky enough to have him as our featured guest. Welcome to ‘Pulse,’ the most-watched information show in its time slot.”
“Well, now, thank you for allowing me the opportunity to hawk my latest book that is selling like hotcakes. I’m pleased beyond belief, and I think a movie deal may be in the works, perhaps in time for Christmas. The book took a lot of work, and it looks as if it’s paying off.”
“Now there’s a good lesson to teach the little kiddies: hard work, dedication and determination pays dividends in the long run. Can you give us a hint at what the book is about?”
“Be more than glad to; I mean, that’s why I’m here. It starts off when a little girl finds a kitten in her back yard. She cares for the kitty and the first night they sleep together and for the next thousand nights. One night the family is terrorized during a home invasion, but the intruders run away, bloodied by being, in their words, ‘attacked by a big cat.’
“The next day the police came to investigate only to find a house cat. The police are seen shaking their heads and laughing as they leave. The little girl’s mother and father were just as perplexed at the cops were, certainly Daisy wasn’t powerful enough to repel Venezuelan gang members. That night, just before the little cat and girl went to sleep, Mary asked Daisy how she did it, how could a little cat that weighed maybe 8 lbs. wet chase grown men out the door and down the street.
“The cat smiled and asked Mary not to tell anyone, but cats can make themselves very big at night, if they want to: look, I’ll show you.
“Just then Daisy jumped off the bed, and before she hit the floor, there was a fully grown 900- lb. tiger, stripes and all. Then the tiger made a lunge back on the bed and landed next to Mary, as house cat Daisy, who purred them to sleep.”
“That’s a good story, but I think it’s a little ‘goody-two-shoes’ for our audience.”
“But that’s not the whole book. Another story is about these cats who witness a man abusing a dog. That night, the cats visit the man. They free the dog and the man ‘disappears.’ That better?”
“Much.”
“And then there’s the story about a regular family with a regular cat. Another story about a Democrat who has a cat. Cat said that the Dem is living on borrowed time, whatever that means. Must read the book to see how it turns out.”
“This is as good a time as any to pause for a short commercial break. Be right back.”
“Stray Car Strut” (3:14)
“And we’re back. Professor Wert had to leave for a book signing so Madam Shylock volunteered to fill in. Glad to have you, Madam Shylock. What’s the news from ‘The Pond?’”
“Henry sends his salutations and says he’s having the time of his life on the ‘Chicken Salad Circuit.’ He says he has high hopes to be on Trump’s [“Trump Won” (3:30)] team deporting illegal immigrants, Muslims and to go after the lawbreakers in the State Department and incarcerate every traitor in the Department of Homeland Security. One question: how is it even remotely possible to have ‘homeland security’ with an open border and no vetting? Who are they trying to kid? And because of Alejandro Mayorkas, the chances of you contracting tuberculosis are the highest they’ve even been, especially when you send your kid to a public school or you visit a grocery store with illegal migrants working or shopping there.”
“Any predictions?”
“ I want Hung Cao to win in Virginia. He is, simply put, more qualified to be in the Senate than the low-life, paid-off liar that he’s running against, Tim Kaine. Tim Kaine, the bum that supports Kamala ‘Hyena’ Harris. Every rape and murder by a Muslim or an illegal immigrant is laid at Tim Kaine’s feet, and the same for Biden and Miss Cackle Hyena Harris.”
“That is so true. How can you have a middle class when the aim of the government is to eliminate the middle class so all that we’ll be left with is upper and lower classes, as with every other Third-World cesspool.”
“Yes, that is so true; they want to erase the ‘American Dream’ forever from the lexicon of us Americans. Now, don’t forget, the Constitution must be trashed at all costs, starting with free speech. No criticizing the government, no pointing out the truth, no referencing the First and Second Amendments. Ever wonder why they want IRS agents armed? If the Hyena gets in, if they steal this election, too, they’ll go after our guns first and, you can quote me, every cop will follow the illegal order to confiscate our guns. That’s how it will happen, steal another election from us [“Justice for All” (2:24)].”
“And it’s all backwards, isn’t it?”
“Russia! Russia! Russia! All Hillary lies, still trying to push down our throats. Iran! Iran! Iran! Same old story, looking for any excuse to overthrow the election. The Dems are the ones who are trying to usher in the ‘New World Order,’ bowing to the UN; any ploy to get our guns. And not enough are paying attention. There’re just way too many stupid people that will vote for the Hyena, no matter how bad it gets.”
“Seems you can’t fix stupid. Remember the Barry Soetoro days? The Obama days? ‘We won, you lost’ when, in fact, everybody lost and if you don’t believe me, ask Laken Riley. Oh, sorry, you can’t ask her because she was murdered by an illegal immigrant. Homeland Security strikes again. Welcome to Obama’s world, the world of human trafficking. I brought a friend with me; he’s in my purse.”
Madam Shylock walks over to her purse and, Voilá! Out pops Henry.
“Hello, Henry. What a pleasant surprise. What brings you to our fine town?”
“Fine town? Where? Oh, sure, used to be. On the way in from the airport we saw homeless camps, and the parking lot at the Piggly Wiggly was all tents, brand new shiny tents. What gives?”
“What gives is crime, is what gives. Everybody is grabbing for dollars. The governor is a lousy Dem, so, too, the mayor and the chief of police, all with their palms held out. All of a sudden, we’re some sort of sanctuary; can you believe it? Money, money, money. I can’t imagine people selling out their country; I mean, after their country is gone, what then? Money with no country? What good is money, then?”
“Excuse me, Henry, while I take this call. Henry? Yes, he’s here. Oh, no. Yes, yes, sure, I’ll tell him. Thank you for calling.”
“Tell me what?”
“Please have a seat, Henry. I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news. It seems the second cab you hired bringing in the chorus line stopped at the Piggly Wiggly and the cab driver sold the frogs to the Haitians so they can cook frog legs. I am so sorry.”
Just then, there is a loud commotion out in the hallway. Roving walks over and opens the door. There, at the threshold, is the line of the chorus frogs. One lady frog counts, ‘and a-one, and a-two, and a-three’ and the music starts as the frogs do their can-can routine as they enter the studio to the music of “Turn Me Loose” (2:25).
“How?”
“We were dumped in a large pot and as it was heating and the Haitians were looking the other way, we all jumped out and hightailed it here. I’m sorry to say we lost our costumes, and it feels pretty weird dancing the can-can naked, but at least we made it.”
“So, all ends well.”
“And so do we; I mean, that’s all the time we have and so, this is your Roving Reporter, along with Henry and Madam Shylock, wishing each of you a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Good show; rather exciting, don’t you think? Madam Shylock has a tin of grasshoppers for you, Henry, and the girls. Madam Shylock and I will grab some burgers: my treat.”
[As Henry was leaving the studio, he told me he was sick and tired of Muslims just killing for the sake of killing. He said there is no defensible reason why Muslims murder Christians, Jews and Hindus; none whatsoever. He said the Muslims must stop this irrational hate against total strangers. Henry said that treating women as second-class citizens doesn’t cut it, and if the Muslims don’t like free speech, too bad; leave now because they’re going to have to leave anyway. Henry also said to do unto others exactly what they want to do to you, and that he is the best candidate to deport each and every lowlife from our country ASAP.]
“The Year of the Cat” (6:36)