by Roving Reporter, ©2024
(Aug. 27, 2024) — “Here Comes the Sun” (3:09)
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. As you can see, we’re at Bishop Dunkin’s church down on Hawthorn Street about to see a play written by Henry and produced by Madam Shylock. The house lights are dimming so let’s sit back and enjoy the show.”
The house lights are dimmed while Henry hops out to center stage to address the packed house. As he lands his last hop a spotlight reveals he is wearing a rather dashing white tuxedo. A thunderous applause explodes. Henry holds up a hand to quiet the crowd.
“Thank you, one and all. What you are about to see is a play written by Yours Truly, and this production was paid for by Madam Shylock. The title of the play is ‘Laissez-faire.’ The actors portraying the fishes will be wearing scuba tanks and face masks; actors portraying flying insects will have wings; turtles will be on creepy crawlers; the beavers and otters will be in costume, and Kamala Harris will be in the heron outfit. After the overture the play will commence.”
“I Can Hear Music” (2:32)
As the music fades the curtain rises. The stage is crowded with all kinds of fish. Center stage you have your minnows, yellow perch and three-spined sticklebacks. On the left and right edges of the stage there are frogs and salamanders with beavers sliding in and out of the water. One turtle moves from stage left and stops in the center of the pond (stage).
Minnow: “Did you hear the news?”
Bluegill: “If you’re referring to ‘Miss Cackle Heron,’ yes, I did. And speaking of the ‘Hyena,’ I see her on the south shore.”
A large heron struts from stage left to the music of the “Wolf Theme” (0:59). One of the minnows lies on its back and wiggles. The heron goes to it and takes off stage right.
Minnow: “That was Charlie, my cousin’s wife’s son’s girlfriend’s father’s uncle. Been feeling under the weather since last Sunday.”
Bluegill: “Well, if Kamala didn’t get him, the ‘Turtle Who Sits on Rock in Moonlight’ would’ve.”
Minnow: “It’s the cycle of life being played out right before our eyes.”
A three-spined stickleback meanders up.
Three-Spined Stickleback: “Hear the news?”
Bluegill: “About the heron? Yes, we heard. She wants to destroy the natural order. What a catastrophe.”
Minnow: “If you’ll excuse me, I have to go to school.”
Bluegill: “He uses that old joke every day.”
Three-Spined Stickleback: “And not only on you. What do you think about of Miss Cackle’s plan?”
Bluegill: “The heron? You know what she’ll do: she’ll go after the pregnant fish is what she’ll do, and after a while we’ll be no more.”
The heron enters from stage right to the “Wolf Theme” (0:24).
Beaver and Salamander, who are on the other side of the pond: “Hey, Miss Cackle, you’ll ruin it for us all, introducing your Communist agenda. The pond won’t survive, or are you too stupid to know that?”
The heron stops, looks up at the two, and before she speaks… “Wolf_hoornisten_muzikaal” (0:12). She grabs a plumb pregnant largemouth bass and gobbles it up.
Common Kingfisher: “There goes the pond.”
Henry, minus the tux: “She’s doing it on purpose, you know. She’s destroying what’s been working just fine for all of us and, yes, she’s actually that stupid.”
Common Blackbird: “What can we do?”
Henry: “The only thing TO do: vote Trump [“Trump Won” (3:30)].
As the “Peter and the Wolf March” (4:06) is heard, the curtain lowers while the house lights brighten and the actors enter from stage left. When they are all lined up, they face the audience and take a bow to thundering applause.
“Well, I must say that was entertaining. The Laissez-faire approach to the economy works well, and if you introduce stupidity into the mix all you can expect is doomsday. And that’ll do it for this episode of ‘Pulse,’ the most-watched information show in its time slot. Thanks for watching. Goodnight.
“Good show. Madam Shylock brought some worms for Henry [“Justice for All” (2:24)], and I’ll be treating the cast and crew to Wagyu burgers.”
“Mull of Kintyre” (6:11)