by Roving Reporter, ©2024
(Aug. 13, 2024) — “Dirty Old Town” (3:41)
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. Recently, as of now, the US has left Taiwan vulnerable to a Chinese takeover while speeding to protect Iran from Israel; at least that’s what our General says, and to hear from the horse’s mouth, here’s the General himself. Welcome to ‘Pulse,’ the most popular information show in its time slot.”
“Thank you, I think. Did you just call me a horse?”
“Figure of speech, I assure you.”
“Here, let me set the record straight. I’ll draw a picture of a horse on this here chalkboard. See? That’s a horse. Now look at me. I’d prefer it if you would stand at attention and salute. Now.”
“Now?”
“Better. I’m not going to say you look like a slob. Didn’t the military teach you anything?”
“Yes, sir, General. The military taught me to keep my mouth shut.”
“At least that’s something. Now, to the problem at hand, the Hatfields and the Jews. Waste, just a colossal waste right in the middle of the Garden of Eden. Let’s say, for the sake of argument, how successful the people would be to go from hate to not giving a hoot what anybody thinks? If a Muslim would think of improving humanity rather than killing those who excel in physics and medicine, in innovative farming techniques, how much better off would we all be?”
“Never happen.”
“Unfortunately, you’re right, Roving; it’ll never happen. They have what Professor Zorkophsky calls ‘Jew Derangement Syndrome.’”
“Is that anything like ‘Trump Derangement Syndrome?’”
“Exactly. Gas was less than $2 a gallon; now it’s over $3, but those suffering from ‘Trump Derangement Syndrome’ become, somehow, unable to see the advantages of spending less for gas, energy and everything else from groceries to the electric bill.”
“And the Muslims?”
“And the Muslims can’t see the advantages of living in peace with your neighbors because they are goaded every day by their own Fake News, just as we are with CNN, MSNBC and all the rest pushing ‘Orange Man Bad’ when, in actuality, Trump is the best thing to come down the pike since Abe Lincoln.”
“So, what about the Navy in the Med?”
“Well, not to help Israel, that’s for sure. Here’s the scoop: the Navy is to protect Iran from being obliterated by Israel; simple as that. Take it to the bank. Here, let me draw a map of the Middle East.”
“You do that, General, while we pause for a commercial.”
“Moon River” (2:42)
“And we’re back with the General who just drew us a detailed map of the Middle East. You named the rivers? How’d you do that with caulk?”
“I use a chalk sharpener. Think ‘pencil sharpener.’”
“I’m impressed. And you’re just going to erase it?”
“Yes, I am after I take a picture of it with my phone. Maybe I’ll have it blown up, framed and hang it somewhere in my den: you know the room, where I have suits of armor and swords all over the place; where the shortwave set is, the room you used to broadcast from after your studio was burned to the ground.”
“Yes, and we thank you again in our hour of need. The General had to leave so we’ll have our Bishop come in to sign us off. Welcome back, Bishop. Oh, by the way, you’re getting rather popular, did you know that? We’ve received quite a few emails congratulating you on your closing prayers.”
“That’s nice. How many comments?”
“Truthfully?”
“Truthfully.”
“Seventeen.”
“Bless them, all. Let us pray. Dear Lord, please afford the Muslims of the world to accept the ‘Golden Rule’ as a milestone, not only to brother and sister Muslims, but to Hindus and Christians, Jews and Buddhists alike. Also, let Royce White win his primary in Minnesota because we need him in the Senate; simple as that. In this we pray in the name of our Lord and Savior. Amen.”
“Amen, for sure. And so, this is your Roving Reporter, along with the General, who just wheeled his chalkboard out of the studio, and Bishop Dunkin, who gave us the signing-off prayer… Pardon me? Oh, sorry about that. I forgot to read Madam Shylock’s bit of advice: ‘Don’t burn your bridges.’ Remember, vote early, live in peace, and to the sailors sailing into harm’s way, good luck. Now we’ll wish you all well while we say goodnight: Goodnight.
“Good show. Burger time: my treat.”
“Happy Trails” (3:25)
Roving Reporter