“HOAX” OR NOT?
by OPOVV, ©2018
(Jan. 16, 2018) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the info-news show that’s the most watched in its time slot: ‘The Pulse of the Nation.’ We’re still broadcasting from the train station because of the inclement weather, so let’s get the show on the road. Not so fast? Have to read a letter? Very well, what do you say we read a letter?
Whatever happened to Madam Shylock? Didn’t she have a pet frog that she fed? Keep up the good work, although some of the people that you interview are rather strange, which makes me think maybe I should be afraid to leave my apartment.
Sue and Coco, my Parakeet
Dear Sue and Coco,
Thank you for writing. The number of inquiries about Madam Shylock’s pet frog has been utterly amazing. If I’m not mistaken, the frog is almost as popular as the Talking Dog. Pardon me? Not even close?
And as far as being afraid to leave your apartment, do what we all do: be armed. For a couple of hundred bucks you can have a lightweight .357 Magnum revolver in your purse or pocket, in a holster on your hip or at the small of your back.
I think your pet bird is our first bird viewer. A coupon for a free pizza is being sent to Coco.
Roving Reporter (RR)
“Excuse us while we break for a commercial.”
“Last Song” (3:04)
“Okay, let’s interview someone. Excuse me, Miss, Roving for ‘Pulse,’ the ever-popular TV show.”
“You bothering me? I’ll call the cops.”
“I’m sorry; I’m operating under the assumption that you’re a normal person, but I was mistaken. My fault and I apologize.”
“That’s better. Why, I don’t even know you. Are we really on television?”
“That we are.”
“Well, maybe I’ll stop for a minute.”
“Don’t do us any favors. What’s your name and what are you up to?”
“My name is Doctor Smith and I’m on my way to work where I’m a consultant for the Department of Defense.”
“No way; that’s just great. So I guess if I asked you anything you would say you couldn’t talk about it.”
“Whatever I asked you.”
“You haven’t asked me anything yet, but if you did, I couldn’t answer due to security restrictions.”
“Exactly, which is why I’ll just say it’s been real nice and run along now.”
“What if I said something about the Obama and Hillary-lovers of Hawaii, would you listen then?”
“Does it have anything to do with the missile hoax the other day?”
“It wasn’t a hoax. I know for a fact that a made-up missile was really inbound to Hawaii.”
“Hold it; let’s take a step back. You said ‘made-up,’ right?”
“Yes, but I was under duress. Dianne Feinstein used the ‘I’ve got a cold’ ploy so I’m using the ‘made-up’ story for the zombies in Hawaii.”
“Is ‘zombie’ a medical term? What kind of doctor are you, anyway?”
“According to Professor Zorkophsky’s book, “There be Zombies Here,’ Americans living adjacent to the Pacific Ocean are subject to parasitic diseases known as Welfare; Occupy; ANTIFA; ‘Look, Ma: I voted for Obama/Hillary and I have a COEXIST sticker on my car’; so, yes, it is an accepted medical term. To answer your second question, I majored in Political Science and have my PhD in ‘Miniature Train Layouts.’”
“Look, I’m not going to even ask, is that okay with you?”
“Think ‘euphemism’; you know, as in ‘embassy CIA agent is the attaché.’”
“Oh, boy. Okay, getting back to the, what was it, ‘made-up’ missile.”
“But it was a real ‘made-up’ missile. Listen, I’ll try and make it a lot easier. Back in 1938, the Mercury Theater presented HG Wells’s ‘War of the Worlds’ and a lot of people went bonkers and, yes, the word ‘bonkers’ is another accepted word used by psychiatrists, in case you were going to ask.”
“Not me. Mama didn’t raise no fool. But you do make a good point. So what you’re saying is if the same ‘for-real-made-up-missile-warning’ happened in any normal state, like Nevada or Florida, life would’ve proceeded as just a regular day?”
“Just a regular day. You see, Hawaii (and all the other Pacific-Rim states) have a skewed number of Democrats.”
“So what are you implying, ‘mob rule?’”
“You didn’t hear it from me; besides, I have to get to work; nice to have talked with you. Bye.”
“Bye. Well, how about that? I’m sorry, my crew is making sign-off gestures so, on behalf of the crew, I’ll be wishing you all a goodnight: Goodnight.
“How about that, a spy whose cover is a ‘toy train layout specialist?’ Good show. Just goes to show us if the nuts ever do take over it would be like, well, try to imagine a place where everyone acts like Chicken Little? Burger time: my treat.”