by Roving Reporter, ©2024
(Aug. 5, 2024) — “Star Trek Original Theme” (1:19)
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. Go back to the ‘Great Flood of Nashville’ in 2010 when I was in a laundromat with my dog and I was offered $1,600 for her. No, thanks, and how utterly rude of you to think I would sell my child for money. Just goes to show that some people think in terms of what they want, not ever what you want. Reminds one of a politician, doesn’t it? And that’s my opening, which brings us to the introduction of our featured guest, Rook Dunkin. I understand that you want to sermon us, isn’t that correct?”
“Yes, much correct. Very correct, extremely so. Thank you for allowing me to spout.
“Dear Lord, what I’m about to say is nothing but the truth, and since you’re not offended by the truth, thank you for giving me the wisdom to say what needs to be said. There are way too many, if we want to be nice about it, ‘low-information’ voters, and if we don’t want to be nice about it, but truthful, there are way too many who give Kamala ‘Hyena’ Harris the time of day. This is unacceptable, I’m sorry to say.
“Correction, I’m not sorry to say at all. I defer to your infinite wisdom but, really now, the ‘Cackling Hyena’ is a little too much, over the top, off the edge, isn’t she? Go ahead and admit it: you made a mistake. Hey, so does everyone else, so don’t feel bad about it. Wires got crossed; her brain was short-circuited. Okay, she needs to be locked-up for her (and our) own good. We’ll leave it there, but really, now, three more months of cackling is a little bit too much for us to endure, don’t you think?
“So, here’s the deal, the pact, the covenant: if You’ll at least tone down the cackling, we’ll do to the anti-Christians what they want to do to us. Fair? We’ll back Israel 110% to do to the Muslims what the Muslims want to do to us. And if one of our ‘low-information’ voters wants rape trees, human trafficking, and Fentanyl, may he miraculously vote TRUMP instead. Pro-inflation? May they vote TRUMP instead. High gas and heating oil prices? May they vote TRUMP instead. Cheating, as during the 2020 election? May they vote TRUMP instead. Let our Republic continue to deteriorate? May they vote TRUMP instead. Welcome the illegals? May they vote TRUMP instead. COVID-19 and BIRD lockdown? May they vote TRUMP instead. Give the ‘newcomers’ citizenship and let them vote? May they vote TRUMP instead. Lied to, 24-7? Vote Trump instead. We’d sure appreciate it if you could do that, make the ‘low-information’ voters do the right thing for once in their lives.”
“Excuse me, Lord; Roving says it’s time for a commercial.”
“How We Rule Ya” (4:26)
“And I’m back, Lord, just to close us out. Thanks for listening to our plea to help save us from who we believe is the stupidest person in the USA. Please give special consideration to those who are illegally incarcerated in the Washington, DC, gulag, the J-Sixers [“Justice for All” (2:24)].
“Now don’t get me wrong, but if You could make Kamala Harris not only look like a horse but maybe make her a horse so we wouldn’t have to hear her most irritating cackles we would really appreciate it tremendously, I kid You not.
“In this we pray in the name of your begotten Son.”
“Amen.”
“Amen. That was right on target, Bishop Dunkin. Thank you. Anything to add?”
“If I were to add anything, I would just like to say what’s the difference between the Ukraine-Russia border and our Mexican border? Don’t they mean the same thing? I mean, it’s kind-of like a lot line from your piece of property to your neighbor’s, right?”
“That’s about it: one and the same.”
“So how come the Dems are bent out of shape about Ukraine’s border and not our own?”
“It’s because they can’t get any kickbacks from our border, just money going to Ukraine’s.”
“You mean all those people over there didn’t have to die, not even one, all because our crooked bureaucrats and politicians had their greedy little hands out*? That’s why?”
“I’m afraid so, Bishop.”
“Why, that’s preposterous!”
“No, it’s the way of the world. It’s why the USA is going down, why our citizens are nothing more than targets of opportunity instead of untouchable, as they used to be. An American overseas now is just another lonely sitting duck.”
“So, let me see if I understand this correctly. One border looks like any other, right?”
“Right as rain. A border is a border is a border, whether it be between Peru and Brazil or Switzerland and France.”
“Got it.”
“And that’s all the time we have for this episode of ‘Pulse,’ the most-watched information show in its time slot. We’re coming around the last turn, about to go down the final leg of the race, and either we win, or all is lost. You’ll either vote Trump or we’re toast, and once our country is gone, it’ll be gone. Welcome, Communism, Totalitarianism, no more free speech, and welcome, gun confiscation. This is your Roving Reporter, along with Bishop Dunkin, wishing all of you a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Good show. Burger time: my treat.”
[*Greedy little hands out: Think ‘military industrial complex.’ I’d like to audit every politician’s bank account to see who got paid off for sending money to Ukraine.]