“WE’RE DOING IT TO OURSELVES”
by OPOVV, ©2016
(Oct. 21, 2016) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘Pulse of the Nation,’ the show that lets you know what your neighbors are thinking. What we do is stand under this awning across from the railroad station and ask passersby what’s on their minds.
“Excuse me, Miss, got a minute?”
“Oh, hello. You’re that Roving Reporter, aren’t you? Where you been?”
“Vacationing in Nevada. Truth be told, I was trying to communicate with a dearly beloved one who is buried in a Veterans’ cemetery.”
“Any luck?”
“I think so, but I’m not sure. Enough about me; here’s a question for you: how do you see the state of America?”
“Sinking. Why, you can always tell when a ship is sinking: the rats flee. Just look at Lois Lerner and all the rest of them. They say the State Department ‘lost’ $6 billion. ‘Stole’ is more like it. Ought to throw all of them in jail and throw away the key, and there would be room for them all if we would just deport all of the illegal immigrants.”
“So you’re against immigration?”
“Oh, no, you don’t. I’m against illegal immigration, not legal immigration. Thought you’d pull a fast one on me, did you? Look, there’s my train. Got to run. Bye.”
“Bye. Okay, that was nice. Oh, sir, got a minute? Oh, hello: long time, no see. You’re that Vietnam Veteran, aren’t you? What you been up to, if you don’t mind me asking?”
“Not at all. And we say ‘Hello’ right on back. My dog and I have invented a new watch, one that tells time backwards, so to speak.”
“I’m sorry I asked.”
“Don’t be. Look here, see? See the dial?”
“Oh, I get it, clever. Ladies and gentlemen, what this dial tells me is that the minutes are registered normally after the hour but go down after the half-hour, so 12:45 reads ‘quarter to 1.’ Very clever. 2:50 reads ’10 to 3.’”
“I’m glad you like it. I made it as a gag gift for Christmas, but the more I show it around I’m thinking of manufacturing it right here in America, and I don’t care if it costs me $10 more per watch.”
“Well, good for you.”
“Don’t forget my dog.”
“And good for your dog, too.”
“We surely thank you.”
“Here’s the question of the day: how do you see the state of America?”
“You mean now? Sorry, just kidding. The state of America today is she’s in really bad shape. Trump will get the votes, but Hillary will win. Remember ACORN? It’s still around, alive and well. You see, we don’t have to worry about the Russians or anyone else: we’re doing it to ourselves. I don’t know what you call them; call them ‘do-gooders’ for all I care, but what’s happening is what the John Birch Society was preaching about in the 1950’s and ‘60’s: the enemy will take us over from within.
“And you know what’s kind-of interesting about it? People with the very same goals I used to kill on the battlefield, and so did our fathers and grandfathers on Peleliu and on Anzio. But nowadays we let them walk freely among us.”
“And what do you think about that?”
“Not much. If I really tell you how I feel, why, that’s all I’m going to say. Off to the dog park. It’s been nice talking to you, Roving. Welcome back. We say goodbye: Goodbye.”
“So long, and thank you for talking with us. And that’s all of our time. Thank you for watching and so, on behalf of the crew, I’ll be wishing you all a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Good show, guys. Burger time: my treat.”