by Roving Reporter, ©2024
(Feb. 8, 2024) — “Straight Street” (4:10)
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. No traction from the ‘Mika & Joe Bought-Off Team,’ so I guess Shemane and Ted are just too much for them. Heck, all Ted would have to do is show “2000 Mules,” case closed, debate won. Congratulations to the Nugents, winning by the other team being ‘fraidy cats. Highly recommend Ted and Shemane’s shows on RAV: Ted on Friday night; she is Sunday morning. And now let’s get to our featured guest, Bishop Dunkin, who would like to issue an invocation.”
“Thank you, Roving. Let us bow our heads. Lord, we are in perilous times. We have so many stupid people in positions that affect our lives directly that it’s all we can do to get through the day without going bananas. Why, just the other day, Congress took a vote to get rid of an incompetent and corrupt bureaucrat, Alejandro Mayorkas, who allows Fentanyl to be smuggled into our country that results in thousands of needless deaths. Could you smite our enemies for us, as a favor? Maybe just a little smite, like empty their bank accounts and render them speechless, as a start. I mean, seriously, our once-getting-greater-than-ever country is going down the tubes faster than, well, faster than an alligator pouncing on a sleeping duck.”
“Amen.”
“Excuse me, Roving; I’m not finished. Excuse me, Lord, but somebody interrupted me, right in the middle of my prayer, but don’t smite him; he’s harmless. Now, getting back to my prayer. We would like a little help now and then. You see, this Deep State doesn’t like us Christians, Jews, and everyone else who doesn’t drink their Kool-Aid. The Deep State doesn’t subscribe to the Golden Rule because they wouldn’t like anyone stealing from them as they steal from us.”
“Well said.”
“Roving, if you don’t mind?”
“Oh, not finished? Sorry, but we have to break for a quick commercial.”
“Popsicles and Icicles” (2:35)
“Excuse him, Lord. Lord, we ask you for guidance in these trying times. Our schools are worthless. Our kids can’t do sums, can’t write, can’t read but can shoplift and game the system like nobody’s business. Harvard and the University of Michigan lead the way in everything anti-American. Could you do a Lazarus on Rush Limbaugh, Pat Robinson, and Billy Graham, or at least find suitable replacements, and do it soon, like now, please?”
“That was good.”
“Don’t mind him, Lord. We all need help down here, Lord, but most of all we need reassurance that if we play by the rules we’ll win. I get the feeling that the upcoming presidential election will be postponed due to some manufactured crisis and martial law will take over, which would be the time for their gun confiscation program. I’ll tell you this, Lord, there’s nobody, but nobody in my congregation that will surrender their weapons. That they’ll go down fighting is a given, and lots of bureaucrats (cops) who follow the illegal order of gun confiscation will meet you sooner than they expected; trust me.
“Our courts rule by political parties, not the Constitution. The middle class is being destroyed, inflation is rampant, and people are going through the day with blinders on. We have been destroyed; our country has been taken over and is being run by gangsters. We know it is up to us to get Trump back on top, but the help I’m really asking for if the FAKE NEWS would report the truth for once maybe we’d have half a chance; what do you say?”
“Do you think he’ll go for it?”
“Roving, God gave us an Eden and we’re trashing it; what do you think? The Good Lord gave us the brains to search the heavens, but don’t hold your breath. We’re destroying the habitat of plants and animals that could conceivably hold the answer to the cure for cancer and other bad stuff. We build buildings that do not consider latitude and longitude, to take advantage of the prevailing winds and the location of the sun. We charge license plate fees based on horsepower rather than weight. We build roads with no consideration whatsoever of the migration routes of other species. We out-birth our environment, so why should He help us? We allow our enemy within our tent, fly them in and give them housing, food, medical and money, so why should the Good Lord help us when we’re too darn stupid to help ourselves?”
“You’re getting upset.”
“Yes, Roving, I am. It’s kind-of difficult asking the Lord for help when we’re too stupid to help ourselves. I mean, I think the only one who gets it is Henry; at least he has no qualms about doing what needs to be done without requiring endless committee meetings.”
“How would Henry close the border or deport all those who are here illegally, or all the other undesirables?”
“Let me say one thing and let your imagination take over: frogs possess extraordinary Extrasensory Perception abilities, which means you better do what Henry says or else.”
“Or else?”
“End of story.”
“Amen to that. I guess that does it: Goodnight.”
[Note: The insurrection on Jan. 6 was by Nancy Pelosi and Mike Pence. End of story.]
“Justice for All” (2:24)
Roving Reporter