by Roving Reporter, ©2023
(Sep. 2, 2023) — “Justice for All” (2:24)
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. Not that long ago, one of the requirements to become a policeman was to have an Honorable Discharge from one of the branches of the military. Not so today. Today’s officers of the court have no connection to the illegal concept of using the defense of ‘I was only following orders.’ Truth be told, they wouldn’t even know what an illegal order was if it bit them on the foot and, sadly, the same can be said for a good percentage of the DAs and judges. The concept of ‘honor’ has been superseded by the belief that the Deep State can do no harm such as labeling the Jan. 6 protesters as ‘insurrectionists’ when we all know that the real insurrectionist was none other than VP Mike Judas Pence [’81 Million Votes, My A**’ (3:13)] in certifying fraudulent votes. To help us understand what is happening is our good friend, Bishop Dunkin, the well-respected theologian of the little church down on Hawthorn Street. Welcome to ‘Pulse,’ the most-watched information show in its time slot.”
“Thank you for inviting me to be on your popular show, Roving. Always a joy being here amongst all the hustle and bustle of a newsroom. I wish I had wonderful news to share, but maybe what I have to convey will wake a few people up.”
“Oh? What would you like to say?”
“We are in perilous times; indeed we are. A lot of our fellow citizens don’t have a clue. They get their information from the Fake News and they end up as brain-dead as those commentators on ‘The View,’ nothing but parrots for the Deep State, and if you question them, they freak.”
“In what way?”
“Like if you say a Dem must be for open borders, they say Biden has the most secure border ever; if you mention inflation, they say the Biden economic plan is working; if you mention that masks don’t do a darn thing, they accuse you of spreading disinformation; and they say the ‘Russian Collusion Hoax’ is as real as ever. Hard to have a discussion with idiots.”
“I understand completely. I was interviewing a Dem a few shows ago, and they just couldn’t connect the dots between the open border and the ‘rape trees’ and our 100,000+ deaths from Fentanyl. Just refused to make the connection when it’s staring everyone right in their face. Couldn’t recite the truth for some strange reason.”
“Yes, I understand. Like when crowd psychosis infected young girls so they cried when Hillary lost, which was a repeat of the Salem witch hunt in 1692. Goes to show you can’t reason with a Dem. I see someone waving over there; I’ll get to my topic after the commercial break.”
“Shenandoah” (3:39)
“And we’re back with our featured guest, Bishop Dunkin. Before the break you were about to tell us about what you’d like to tell us. Go ahead.”
“Thank you, Roving. Unfortunately, what is happening to us today has happened before, about 2,000 years ago. Back then, there was this man who spoke for the little guy, the ‘everyday man’ who just wanted to live in peace and harmony with the world but, oh, no; we can’t have that, now, can we? We must control. ‘We can’t have happiness and contentment when I am miserable and envious’ is what the ruling class thought, just as they think today. Instead of the Romans and the clergy of the Tabernacle, we have the Deep State and the Democratic Socialist Party. Back then they had Governor Pontius Pilate of Judea; today we have Governor Brian Kemp of Georgia. Back then they had Caiaphas as the high priest of the temple; today we have Merrick Garland and his underlings: Alvin Bragg, Fani Willis, Judge Timothy J. Kelly and others who dishonor themselves, their families, and their country.”
“I see. What’s to be done?”
“Good question, one that I’ve thought about for hours and then I asked the Good Lord to help.”
“And what did He tell you to do?”
“He instructed me to pray, is what He did, but He also instructed me to pray with a hand on a weapon with which to defend myself, my family, my church, my community, and my country. He told me our enemies are here amongst us and it’ll be up to us to protect ourselves, so every woman who enters our church has a loaded gun in her purse. It’s one of the rules of the church. Jesus never said to go through life stupid, so we’re not.”
“That is so true. What about the men?”
“Get real, Roving. We converted our basement into an indoor shooting range, so our women are used to shooting at targets as far as 60 feet. Also, we teach using a vehicle as a weapon in case anyone wants to hijack any of parishioners. We do what we can do because our government is sure letting us down. We have millions of unwanted people in our country who have no intention of embracing our way of life: our flag and our Constitution.”
“That is so true, sad to say.”
“And that’s all I wanted to say, so I’ll leave you with your next guest. I thought I saw Professor Wert poke his head in. Thank you for letting me say what needed to be said.”
“You’re welcome, I’m sure. Come back any time. And look who’s here but Professor Wert. What brings you into this neck of the woods?”
“I’d like to share with you a summary of my new kids’ book, if I may.”
“Sure, we’d like to hear it.”
“Once upon a time Davy the caterpillar, in his endless search for a delicious green leaf, spotted the perfect edible candidate that was on the other side of a screened window. Davy crawled around the perimeter of the screen when he finally found an opening so he squeezed through. ‘But what is that?’ he asked himself. ‘Why, it’s a computer screen and a keyboard. How very interesting,’ he thought. Maybe I’ll walk along the keys and see what pops up.
“Later on, Davy made a cocoon to get through the winter and he had the most magnificent dreams you could imagine and, in the spring when his metamorphosis was complete to adulthood, he spread his wings in search of a computer because, while Davy dreamed the winter away, he learned to communicate in English. He wanted so much to hop from key to key, writing a note to the humans to show a little consideration for the insects of the world. His first stop was the window that had the torn screen, but the window was closed so he flew towards a condo complex across a busy highway. Just then, an 18-wheeler’s rear-view mirror slammed into him, and that’s when our chance to communicate with the insect world ended, maybe for good; who knows?”
“And that’s your kids’ story? Little bit sad and gross if you ask me.”
“Well, I’m not asking you. You didn’t hear all of it. The second half of the book focuses on some kind of migration in every county of our country. It could be on a road in Florida when millions of caterpillars cross the road and millions of them get crushed because the county employees are too darn lazy to close the road for a couple of weeks a year. Same with a stretch of I-40 in Tennessee where, every year for thousands of years, there’s a turtle crossing and thousands of turtles are run over. Thousands, turtles of all kinds and sizes; wouldn’t take much to dig a tunnel under the road instead of sending billions to Ukraine.”
“Oh, okay, now it’s beginning to make some sort of sense. You leaving? We’ll pause for a short break.”
“A Kiss in the Morning Early” (2:55)
“And we’re back with another professor, Professor ‘Trash-the-masks’ Zorkophsky, who has a few words about divorce. Go ahead.’
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“Thank you, Roving. I’d just like to say that the Good Book says that ‘forgiveness is divine,’ words to take to heart. A divorce is memories erased but not shared that leaves an emptiness that can never be replaced. Movies that you once saw with your spouse pop up on TV and hit home too many times to mention over the years, and each time it’s a red-hot stab in the heart. I quit drinking and the drugs a little too late to save the marriage, to my everlasting regret. Just sayin’.”
“Alright, thank you for that little bit of knowledge that may help someone out there and so, this is your Roving Reporter along with Zork, wishing each of you a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Good show. Burger time: my treat.”
“Marry You” (3:47)
Roving Reporter