The Waiting Room (A Play)

by Bishop Dunkin, ©2023

(Aug. 3, 2023) — As the house lights dim the curtain rises to the tune of “Rock a Bye Baby” (3:36) to a brightly lit stage set as a large white room. There is a large desk facing the audience on a platform center stage. On the oblique wall stage left is a red elevator door; oblique wall stage right is a silver escalator from floor to beyond ceiling. As the curtain is rising, a group of 20 men and women of all ages file into the elevator;as the music ends the door closes and a large arrow indicator above the door moves to the left while simultaneously a group of similarly aged and dressed people are ascending on the elevator. As the music stops the stage is empty as the stage lights go out one by one except the one above the desk. An elderly white bearded man pops up behind the desk, already seated, and bangs a gavel.

White Beard: “Escort the next group in, please.”

From stage left a group of 40 people wander in in all manner of condition. Some are dressed as athletes, some are mangled and bloodied, some are pushing IV infusion pump stands, some are in pajamas, and some are dressed as office workers; one is in a suit, and another is dressed as a rodeo bronco rider.

White Beard: “By now you all realize that you’re dead. (Holds up hand) No talking, please, and, no, I’m not St. Peter; I’m what you’d call the ‘Triage Dude,’ but I’m still pretty darn important. As an example, for those I send down the elevator, well, your case is cooked – what, no laughter? That was one of my jokes, just maybe the last one you’ll ever hear – while the ones who ride the escalator will meet with the man himself.”

The man in the suit: “There’s been a mistake made because I shouldn’t be here. I demand to be sent back and finish what I was doing.”

Person in basketball uniform: “Me, too. I was in the playoffs and the next thing I know is that I’m here. I don’t know any of these people. What gives?”

White Beard: “Hold on, everyone. I’ll make this really easy. For those who got the clot shot and you Dems, you’re going for an elevator ride.”

Patient wrapped in bandages: “But if I didn’t take the ‘Clot Shot’ I would’ve lost my job!”

White Beard: “Your job or your life. Well, guess what? You lost both. To the elevator you go. You had a choice and you, and you alone, made the wrong one. Stupid by choice is not allowed in heaven. To the elevator you go.”

Man wearing box store vest: “I didn’t take the vaccine so send me back.”

White Beard: “Your name is Jim Letter, and you are lying. Think of me as a Santa.”

At which time the crowd forms one line and does a Rockettes-type dance number singing “Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town” (3:13). At the end of the song the crowd forms in front of the desk as before.

White Beard: “Lying won’t help, so sorry. Now as for all the other dead people, we have a dog kicker. Please step forward. To the elevator you go.”

Office worker: “But I didn’t take the ‘Clot Shot.’”

White Beard: “Too bad; you treated animals badly and you voted for Governor Gretchen Whitmer. Those are serious strikes, son, so you’re out. To the elevator and down you shall go. I see we have a Muslim. That’s right, down you go. Among you is a celebrity of sorts, a delusional young man who lost his way. This person never learned that the United States Constitution is an anti-tyranny document that, if followed, can provide equal justice for all.”

Man in suit: “But I was only following orders.”

White Beard: “Do you know a cop arrested a young man for reading the Bible in public and quoting from it? That’s why policemen and women, who never served in the military, are automatically sent to the elevator. You can’t be following illegal orders and expect to get away with it. The buck stops here.”

Man in suit: “But the media was behind me. The View said I was a hero.”

White Beard: “The Fake News and The View? Son, you have so many strikes you’ll never get out of where you are going.”

Man in suit: “I was on CNN and MSNBC, and CBS!”

White Beard: “Well, Mr. Jack Smith, if you operate outside of the law – which you certainly did – you must expect the consequences. Now, move over to that red square and keep your hands at your side.”

The man in the suit walks over to the red square, stands with his hands at his side, and POOF! disappears from sight. The trap door closes with a mighty bang!

White Beard: “A couple of you will be going back to report your ‘near-death experience.’ But you have a task to fulfill. Your task is to warn Mike Judas Pence that he is going down the elevator a quarter-second after he dies. So, to make whatever he thinks is necessary – which is none – time to make his amends, such as apologizing for being a fake Christian. Why, he doesn’t even know what the word means. People are judged by what they do, not upon what they say. We want Pence to be really, really be surprised when he gets here to be sent straight down the trap door for eternity, there to compare notes with his counterpart, the original Judas.”

The White Beard slowly drops out of sight as the group heads off to the elevator or the escalator to the music of “Try to Remember” (3:00). As the song ends the people on the stage are gone. The curtain remains up as the house lights are slowly brightened.

FINI

Bishop Dunkin