by Roving Reporter, ©2023
(Feb. 10, 2023) — “Don’t Fence Me In” (2:54)
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. We here at ‘Pulse’ take great pride on cutting-edge reporting on the great events that affect each of our lives directly, and this episode is no different. As you can see, we’re on the front walk of Madam Shylock’s Fortune-Telling Emporium in the heart of Cassadaga, Florida about to call on Henry, the talking frog that just may throw his hat into the campaign ring for the 2024 presidential election. Henry has quite a following and, from all reports, is neck-and-neck with Donald Trump but leaps ahead of Ron DeSantis. And talking about the man of the hour, here he comes. Hey, how you doin’?”
“Just peachy, and yourself?”
“The same.”
“You read the introduction wrong. It’s not a ‘podcast’; it’s a ‘padcast,’ like from my lilypad; get it?”
“Oh, I guess I have egg on my face.”
“All of us have had or will have egg on our face at some time in our lives. It happens; forget it. Some of us are perpetually covered in egg; did you know that?”
“Clue us in.”
“All those who are responsible for leaving all that military hardware behind in Afghanistan, to start.”
“That would be Biden?”
“Biden for sure and the Joint Chiefs of Staff for second.”
“And there are others?”
“Thousands; millions. Idiots are a dime a dozen these days, and you don’t have far to look.”
“Congress?”
“And all those Fake News network idiots, and those who watch ‘The View’ with their never-ending ‘Russian Collusion Hoax.’ Look, I don’t mean to be rude, but I’ve a Top-Secret meeting with my boss* in a few minutes so let me say my piece before I have to go. Zork** called last night and gave me a run-down on his latest book, ‘Maybe We’ll Get It Right This Time,’ but he had second thoughts about the title and wondered if I could use my influence to get it changed since it already went to the printer’s.”
“What’s he want to change it to?”
“He said, ‘Maybe We’ll Get It Right Someday.’”
“Wow, he did a complete 180. What’s the book about?”
“He said Zyklon showed him some photographs of footprints on the moon and on Mars that point to humans making the trips millions of years ago. He said we have a history of blowing ourselves up and having to start all over again to get off this planet and go exploring.”
“Did he say how many times we messed it up?”
“Yes, matter of fact he did. He said, ‘more than once,’ but all he would show me was the last time, about a million years ago. I’m telling you, Zork was impressed.”
“I’m sure he was, but what I’d like to know was how the professor even got to talk with Zyklon in the first place?”
“I can’t tell you the details, but all I know is that Zyklon said something about ‘that clown in the White House is going to take you all back to square ONE if you don’t kick the bum out.’ I guess he thought, because Professor Zorkophsky is such a well-known author, screenwriter, and movie producer***, that he would be the best person to contact, that’s all.”
“I guess that makes sense. I mean, if he said, ‘Take me to your leader,’ introducing him to Biden wouldn’t be such a good idea after all, now, would it?”
“Not a chance.”
‘I’m sorry but we have to break for a quick commercial. Don’t go anywhere.”
“The Road of Love” (2:57)
“And we’re back. Henry had a previous engagement but here to fill in is Madam Shylock. So nice to see you, and how’s your fortune-telling business doing these days?”
“You got to be kidding; how in the heck do you think it’s doin’? Number one is people don’t have the money and not for me, for the gas tank it takes to drive here and back. I lowered my prices to rock bottom and I’m lucky to see half the number I used to. That and people are just despondent; that’s all there is to it. Look, I read fortunes for a living and here’s one for free; it’s on the house so you can take it to the bank.”
“Well, no, that wouldn’t be right. Look, our editor, Sharon, gave me a couple of bucks in case we ran into you. Here, take it. It’s not that much but it’s better than nothing.”
“Well, thanks. I appreciate that.”
“So, what were you going to tell us?”
“Okay, you asked for it: Do we chance a nuclear holocaust or negotiate peace? Do we let Joe Biden make a mess of everything or kick the bum O-U-T? Do we use the brains that the Good Lord gave us or support the likes of Katie Hobbs, Kathy Hochul, Lori Lightfoot, Gavin Newsom, Mitch McConnell and the rest of the bums that lurk in the ‘Nationwide Swamp?’”
“No sugarcoating it?”
“I would if we had the time, but the clock is ticking. Biden is a danger to our salvation and people like Morning Joe aren’t helping matters at all. I’ll make it easy for you: not one red cent to Ukraine. No money, no food, no blankets, no tanks, and no planes. None, understand? Biden and his fellow Dems started the mess over there.”
“What do you mean?”
“Fraudulent elections have dire consequence is what I’m saying. If the legitimate president**** were in power there wouldn’t be any conflict going on over there, understand? This is all because some of our fellow citizens turned their collective backs on the Oath they took to the Constitution, is what. If I had my way, I’d make a public example of a few of them, and I’d guarantee you that all future elections would be 100% honest.”
“Well, I must say that you were very direct and easily understandable. No grey areas with you, are there?”
“Let me read your fortune, for free. Give me your hand; come on, it won’t hurt. Oh, how sad, you miss the wife that cheated on you, so you divorced her. Get over it. But at least you quit drinking, smoking and the drugs. How many years you’ve been clean?”
“Over 20.”
“Look, we all make mistakes, so the best you can do is be the best that you can be. If you practice the Golden Rule, you can’t go wrong; remember that. But don’t be stupid, either. Don’t be a Dem and make matters worse for everyone and everything on the planet. And always go around armed. See my gun? That’s right; it’s a derringer, has two shotgun shells: just point, no aiming required. And then in my purse I have a revolver.”
“Very good, and I wish that every woman would be likewise armed. And that’s all the time we have tonight and so, on behalf of Madam Shylock, this is your Roving Reporter wishing all of you a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Good show. Burger time: my treat.”
[*My boss: Zyklon.]
[**Zork: Professor ‘Trash the masks’ Zorkophsky.]
[***Movie producer: Sneak Preview of the “Dandelion War” (RR).]
[****Legitimate president: That would be Donald J. Trump.]
“Somebody Touched Me” (2:26)