by Roving Reporter, ©2022
(Sep. 13, 2022) — “Smooth” (4:16)
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. Professor Zorkophsky is back with us to explain why some of our neighbors have turned their backs on the Constitution.”
“Yes, that’s quite correct, Mr. Roving. The thought came to me as I was writing yet another bestseller, this one written as a movie script.”
“Skipping steps, perhaps?”
“Why not go for the jugular, as the saying goes? Why not write it with sweeping vistas of colorful adjectives and let the dangling participles lie; bypass the screenwriter altogether, write it as if you were describing a movie?”
“Maybe cut out the middleman, as it were.”
“You got it; after all, the most prestigious award is that of screenwriter.”
“Go on; now that we’ve cleared the first hurdle, how did you get the idea, whatever that idea was?”
“I was reminiscing about a conversation I had while I was undergoing Basic Training. This one guy said, ‘What’s wrong with the D.I.? Are they all that crazy? What’s his problem, anyway?’ And I remember blurting out that his behavior could be explained by a traumatic potty-training session that I later learned to call an ‘episode’ if it’s a traumatic life-changing event.”
“This was before you became a professional psychiatrist, wasn’t it?”
“For sure, by a good ten years. Anyway, I explained that there are those who are traumatized by certain bodily functions that they can’t seem to get a handle on.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, now, not to be blunt, but what goes in must come out.”
“Oh.”
“So, I explained that his mother – we’re talking about the DI here – must’ve been a little too strict, a little heavy-handed, as it were.”
“How can you tell?”
“By the acceptance of unreasonable expectations, that’s what. I mean, you can’t expect a bunch of recruits to march as a hot-shot drill team the first time out on the grinder; you can’t expect the whole company to score a 4.0 on their first inspection, right?”
“Well, of course not. I mean, ‘Left flank, “arch!”’ would be a foreign language the first day to anybody.”
“Remember, ‘To the rear, “arch!?”‘”
“I sure as heck do; all was turmoil. Yes, I see your point. So, what was the trigger that made a Dem a Dem?”
“I think it was the announcing, the proclaiming, the broadcasting how the progress was going. For instance, the mother takes the kiddies to the park and little Joey hears his mother saying, ‘Joey can’t seem to understand that when the toilet flushes, it’s gone forever. I am sick and tired of him pointing and crying about it.’ And of course, Little Joey is right there, hearing it all.”
“So, what are you saying, our country is divided along the lines of those who had a traumatic potty-training and those who have had normal potty training?”
“I wouldn’t quite say it like that; I’d say, the difference is that of the degree of ‘acceptance.’ Some can deal with it while others never get over it. I’m writing a book about the causes of what makes a serial killer, and I believe it all reverts back to a traumatic potty-training episode: in extreme cases you get extreme results.”
“Anthony Fauci?”
“Sad childhood; domineering mother.”
“Joe Biden?”
“The brunt of childhood bullying; always last in everything he ever did. The only thing he was ever good at was breaking the law, specifically theft.”
“Never learned, ‘Thou shalt not steal?’”
“He learned it, but in the opposite way: he learned not to get caught.”
“Can’t say that about the son, can you?”
“Drugs make you stupid. Marijuana makes you stupid.”
“So, wrap it up for us, could you, please?”
“Well, if you’re a Democrat and believed, or maybe still do, in the Russian Collusion Hoax,’ you had some kind of problem with your potty-training. And that’s all there is to it.”
“Any hope for them?”
“Not unless they grow up and face the facts, but they won’t. Oh, some will, but the majority will lie down on their backs (figuratively speaking) and cry as they wiggle their feet and hands in the air. No, those will never get over their traumatic potty training, believe me on this.”
“They’ll never get over ‘Orangeman Bad?’”
“Never.”
“Cry whenever Hillary is mentioned?”
“Like a baby.”
“What about Kamala Harris?”
“A three-volume set wouldn’t do her justice.”
“Wow.”
“Face it, it takes a lot of wrong turns in a life to willingly throw away hard won freedoms. Sigmund Freud would have said you got to be, and I quote, ‘nuts’ to be a Dem, knowing you’re throwing away what was only obtained by blood and guts, maiming, and dying.”
“I believe that. Hey, will you look at the time? We have to scoot and so, on behalf of Professor Zorkophsky… Pardon me? Oh, I’m sorry. On behalf of ‘Zork,’ this is your Roving Reporter wishing all of you a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Good show. Burger time: my treat.”
“Danny Boy” (4:00)