by Roving Reporter, ©2022

(Jul. 26, 2022) — “Self-Composed Song” (3:08)

“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. Today’s guest is Jackie Masters, the CEO of ‘Contest Haven,’ the giant conglomerate that brings ‘family entertainment to us all.’ Did I read that right?”

“Yes, you did, Roving, and thank you for inviting me to be on your most popular show. We think of ourselves as ‘do-gooders’ in that we pat ourselves on the back at every available opportunity.”

“Is this a recurring event? I think we should call Zork, our resident psychiatrist. Maybe he could offer some pointers. You’re beginning to sound like a Democrat.”

“What, you don’t like Democrats?”

“What I don’t like are stupid people. Maybe you like wars all over the world; China threatening Taiwan; Russia invading Ukraine; fentanyl pouring over our border; terrorists in our country; inflation through the roof; I’m right, aren’t I?”

“It’s all Trump’s fault; everybody knows that.”

“Getting back to why you’re here, what is the ‘Great American Contest?’”

“It is a contest is to determine who is the most ludicrous of us all. Lori Lightfoot was nominated but it’s against the rules to win multiple times. Currently, Kathy Hochul, the Governor of New York, has a narrow lead over Gavin Newsom, the Governor of California.”

“So, it’s a governor’s race?”

“Oh, no. We have Janet Yellen and Beto O’Rourke as dark horses.”

“What about Biden and the rest of the looney Dems?”

“You mean like Pelosi and the two Muslims, Omar and Tlaib?”

“That’s right.”

“Previous award winners, sorry.”

“How does one vote and when will the winner be announced?”

“We conduct our contests in a very Democratic Party way: we cheat. We trash any votes that are mailed in because the winner is predetermined. The announcement will be October 31.”


“Precisely. I must leave you now to be interviewed by one of your competitors, someone who is polite. Bye.”

“Bye. Let’s take a quick break.”

Blue Velvet” (2:48)

“We’re back with retired Major Alex Jardine, formally an intelligence expert in terrorism in the Middle East. Welcome to ‘Pulse,’ Major.”

“Thanks for inviting me.”

“You have the floor.”

“I was recently discharged because I refused to take the ‘Clot Shot,’ which has been discovered to be a cancer-causing agent. Our military is close to being 100% ‘vaccinated,’ and that’s the lie, isn’t it? Their so-called ‘vaccine’ isn’t a vaccine at all; it’s a worldwide clinical trial of a bioweapon from China.”

“How many years were you in?”

“Eighteen. I tell you, it’s not the same as when I went in. I suppose if Barry Soetoro (aka Obama) had the ‘Clot Shot’ he would’ve used it, but what he did was about as bad. Remember, Obama ‘pink-slipped’ the officers who were killing the bad guys in Afghanistan. The officers who would stay on base and order the troops out ‘on patrol,’ an acronym to run over mines and come back dead or maimed, were left alone. Promotion was on a point system: 10 for dead; 5 for blinded; 4 for missing a hand or arm; 3 for a leg; 2 for concussion; and 1 point for witnessing the horror. Oh, and minus a point for any of the enemy killed.”

“No way; you’re making this up.”

“Wish I was. Listen, maybe they didn’t have it written down, but I was over there, and I saw Lieutenants jump up to a Major if one of their convoys was decimated.”

“Golly, no wonder so many come back nuts.”

“And get this: our withdrawal from Afghanistan was Vietnam all over again; only difference was the real-time cameras in Afghanistan, in living color, with sound, via satellite.”

“That’s right, isn’t it? Back in the early ‘70’s there were no computers with instant communication; no Internet; no Skype. It was a different world back then; waiting for mail call every couple of weeks.”

“It was nice to have the opportunity to talk with you, Roving. See you around.”

“Thanks for stopping and good luck to you. We’ll be right back after this short commercial break.”

Walking Blues” (3:56)

“And we’re back with Madam Shylock. So, what’s up?”

“Witchcraft at Salem Village,” engraving by William A. Crafts, 1876, Wikimedia Commons, public domain

Liz Cheney has a mental block admitting mistakes and apologizing for being so unreasonably vindictive. She wears her ‘Trump Derangement Syndrome’ on her sleeve as if it’s a badge of honor. She is stupid and, because she feels inadequate against people who are more intelligent than she is, she lashes out, which makes her dangerous. That she has no regard for the Constitution is quite apparent, but what is worse is that she has no fear of being wrong, of being ridiculed, of being laughed at, whispers behind her back, pointed at, shades drawn. Had Liz Cheney lived in Salem, Massachusetts in the year of Our Lord 1692, she would’ve been dunked until she drowned, but we don’t do those kinds of things today; today we allow the misfits to call the shots; we elect prima donnas with bad intent. It is we who are weak by allowing such people to remain in our midst. Hope she gets defeated.”

“A wise proclamation, Madam Shylock. I’d say that’ll do it for this episode of ‘Pulse’ and so, on behalf of Madam Shylock, this is your Roving Reporter wishing you all a goodnight: Goodnight.

“Good show. Burger time: my treat.”

Marry You (flash mob)” (3:52)

Roving Reporter

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