by Roving Reporter, ©2022
(Jun. 12, 2022) — “Roddy McCorley” (4:01)
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. Our featured guest today is Rick Montoya, the VP for cancellations at our nation’s largest insurance company. Welcome to ‘Pulse,’ the most-watched information show in its time slot.”
“Glad to be here, Roving. Always read the transcript in The P&E, I’m proud to say.”
“And we’re proud that you do. We have quite a few fans out there and the numbers are growing with each installment.”
“Name one.”
“Joe Mayer. Now, please tell us about being the ‘VP of Cancellations.’ I must admit that really piques my curiosity.”
“Well, ever since that CHINESE FLU, COVID-19, hit our shore, we knew we had to jump right on it. And then when complete idiots forbade patients from getting treated with Ivermectin, we knew we had to act fast.”
“Act? Act how?”
“Wait: so people were dying, but we couldn’t blatantly just step in and throw a wrench into the works. Then BIG PHARM saved the day by the CLOT SHOT and then, as they say, the rest is history.”
“Hold it; go back a space. Explain this ‘clot shot,’ if you would, please.”
“No problem. Here’s the formula: CLOT SHOT = SERIOUS MEDICAL PROBLEMS DOWN THE ROAD, INCLUDING DEATH. And that’s what saved our industry, cancelling life insurance policies like there was no tomorrow; isn’t it great?”
“So you just flat-out cancelled people’s life insurance policies?”
“Well, yes, but we paid back the money they paid us over the years, minus a small handling fee.”
“How small?”
“Only 20%. Look, they’re lucky to get anything.”
“Do you offer them a new policy, by any chance?”
“Are you kidding? Ever hear of ‘DEAD MAN WALKING?’ No, no new policy whatsoever, including ‘renter’s insurance.’ We write them off by relegating them into our dead files, no pun intended.”
“I don’t believe you. You seem like one happy guy is what I’m seeing.”
“And why shouldn’t I be? Isn’t this government great? Let me tell you, the insurance business is doing very well in these troubled times.”
“Give us an example or two.”
“Well, we don’t write policies to radical Islamics is a good one; I mean, they fit into what we call the ‘Unstable Category’; I mean, blowing up a plane? They buy a ticket to get blown up? Makes no sense, which is why we don’t write policies to crazy people. Simple math.”
“Let me ask you this: How do you inform your customers that they’ve been cancelled?”
“We let them down easy, is how we do it. As easy as possible, too easy in my book.”
“How?”
“We send them a letter with an enclosed check. We thank them for being such a loyal customer but, sorry, you went out and got the CLOT SHOT, so sorry. Get with it, Roving; they’re going to croak; they know it and we know it. It’s just a matter of time and the clock is ticking.”
“Gosh, but I must say you’ve been the most upbeat guest we’ve ever had, and I thank you for being so forthcoming with us.”
“You’re welcome; it’s been a pleasure being on your popular show.”
“And off he goes, so we’ll take a quick break and be right back for another round.”
“Hey Baby They’re Playing Our Song” (2:34)
“We’re back with Mr. Clyde Hanson, an investment banker. Welcome to ‘Pulse,’ Mr. Hanson.”
“Please call me Clyde, Roving. My golly, but I’ve been watching ‘Pulse’ since back in the day, back when you were in Chicago.”
“Why, thank you, Clyde, always glad to have dedicated viewers on board. So, you’re an investment banker. Any advice?”
“Buy low, sell high. Just kidding. My advice is to hold off on purchasing that yacht that you’ve been eyeballing, also that horse.”
“Yacht? Horse? You wouldn’t be talking about a racehorse by any chance, would you?”
“Of course, I am; after all, I’m an investment banker.”
“Look, I’m sure you mean well, but I’m asking about practical advice for the working stiff, the rush-hour crowd.”
“And I know you are, the point being with great risks come great rewards. Look, Chief New Leaf got his million-dollar RV bus for a song, didn’t he?”
“That’s true; peanuts, cash on the barrelhead.”
“See?”
“But there are no guarantees, are there? Who’s to say the next election won’t be as crooked as the last one? See anybody in jail? See anybody locked up? Why, thousands were involved in the fake ballots; where are they? I’ll tell you where, getting geared-up to do it all over again. Selling their country for pieces of green paper. If it were up to me…”
“And I couldn’t agree with you more, Roving. Prepare for the worst while you hope for the best. But the worse the economy gets, the more Biden puts his greedy little hands in the mix, and the more golden opportunities arise.”
“I’ll guess I’ll keep my eye out for the yacht, and when it gets down to, say, $500, I’ll buy it.”
“You do that. You know, for a smart guy, you sure act dumb sometimes.”
“That’s what my ex used to say: ‘If you’re so smart, how come you aren’t rich?’ And our time is up and so, on behalf of Clyde, this is your Roving Reporter wishing each of you a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Good show. Burger time; wait, let’s make it Wagyu burger: my treat.”
[Little People report: BLM and ANIFA freaks are targets of opportunity.]
“My Girl” (2:55)