by Roving Reporter, ©2022 

Avalon Blues” (4:12)

(Jan. 1, 2022) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. Professor Wert, of intrepid explorer fame, having searched for Inca gold to the far reaches of Antarctica, is our featured guest today. Welcome to ‘Pulse,’ the most-watched information show in its time slot. Glad to have you back.”

“And so very glad to be back.”

“So, we understand you just came back from down under, all the way to the South Pole, matter of fact. What did you do and what did you see?”

“I saw a lot of snow, I’ll tell you that, and yet, with all that snow, it’s as dry as the Sahara.”

“No way. I understand there’s a few glaciers there.”

“There certainly are, and yet we all float upon a sea of lava – melted rock – at a thousand degrees. Erebus is an active volcano there, and then under the Pine Island glacier there is another one. Fire and ice, an interesting combination.”

“What did you do there?”

“Searched for meteorites and found enough to pay for the expedition, matter of fact. And found some rather interesting artifacts that I’m not allowed to disclose at this time.”

“Why not?”

“Because the verdict isn’t in just yet. You see, we found a number of artifacts, artifacts that can only be hundreds of thousands of years old.”

“Artifacts? Like what, arrowheads?”

“No, believe it or not – and I’ve pictures to prove it – a stratospheric gondola made of high-density steel that we found in the face of a glacier – more than two miles from the surface — that we determined was approximately at least half a million or more years old.”

“What part of your expedition weren’t you supposed to talk about?”

“Actually, that was it.”

“What does it mean?”

“I think it means we’ve been around a long time and haven’t learned a darn thing, if you ask me.”

“I just did.”

“I think I’ll go and take a nap, so if you’ll excuse me?”

“Oh, yes, of course, by all means. Be right back after this short message.”

Norwegian Folk Song” (1:48)

“And we’re back with Madam Shylock via Skype. Hello, and thank you for agreeing to be on ‘Pulse’ with such short notice.”

“I’m between clients anyway, Roving. Please punch in your debt PIN number at this time. Thank you; now what did you want to ask me?”

“Did you happen to catch the first part of the show?”

“Matter of fact, I did. Rather disappointing, don’t you think, but at the same time, not surprising, either; I mean, there are more stupid people in the world than smart people. You want proof, look no farther than Congress; I rest my case.”

“No argument from this end. What does it mean?”

“I think you should ask that question to Zork, I mean Professor Zorkophsky. If anyone had the answer, it would be him.”

“Okay, will do. Do we get a refund?”

“Stop dreaming. I’ll knock off a bit next time, but let me just say this: it means that we’ve been trying to get off this rock for millions of years and we’re still here; that’s what it means. What we’re doing is using 1% of the human brain, and only half the brains at that. We don’t use the brains of women, for instance. Anyone hear of Madam Curie?”

“They say behind every great man is a great woman.”

“But they don’t say behind every great woman is a great man, do they? That’s my point, and I don’t think we have to belabor it. Henry‘s at the back door for some fresh flies; gotta run. Bye.”

“And we’ll break for another commercial; don’t go anywhere.”

Annie Laurie” (2:30)

“And we’re back with Professor Zorkophsky, who has graciously agreed to answer the question: ‘What does the discovery of the gondola in a frozen glacier in Antarctica mean?’”

“Hello, Roving, was glued to your show on the idiot box and saw it all. Congratulations to Professor Wert on such an amazing discovery, but I’m afraid I’m at a loss as to improve on Madam Shylock’s assessment. That is to say, all this penny-ante minuscule minutia nit-picking UNIMPORTANT stuff that everybody is so concerned about; meanwhile the next catastrophic catastrophe is looming closer with no plan of action to save the human race. We basically are controlled by shortsighted idiots who willingly refuse to see the Big Picture by pushing agendas that are not only self-serving but self-destructive as well.”

“Some day I’ll have to ask you what you really think of something, Professor, but as it is we’re out of time, and so this is your Roving Reporter, along with the Professor, wishing you all a goodnight and a good new year: Goodnight and Happy New Year.

“Good show. Burger time: my treat.”

[Little People report: on standby.]

Auld Lang Syne” (4:01)

Roving Reporter

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