by Pastor Dunkin, ©2026
(Mar. 31, 2026) — “By a strange turn of events, the root cause of Trump Derangement Syndrome was accidentally discovered during an MRI brain scan of a retiree who fell while walking his dog. After seeing a squirrel, the dog jerked the leash and caused the person to lose his balance, thereby hitting his head on the sidewalk. During the scan, a WORM was seen in the brain. A successful surgery removed the worm, and upon recovery, the person who had TDS no longer had the insidious disease because when he woke his first words were, ‘I love Trump!’”
“We’ll Sing in the Sunshine” (2:59)
“And that’s my opening. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. Today’s featured guest is none other than our favorite shrink, Professor ‘Zork’ Zorkophsky, who, I believe, has some rather startling news. Tell us all about it, Zork.”
“It’s just one of those things you hear about, ‘Right time; right place.’ I was at the hospital when the ambulance arrived and was asked to assist the injured with a fractured skull. I was looking at the monitor during the scan when I saw it, the worm.”
“How big was it?”
“It wasn’t so much the size as it was the color: Dayglow Blue. About an inch long, so I operated and removed it. I have it here with me.”
“No way.”
“It talks, you know.”
“The worm ‘talks?’”
“English, although I’ve learned it’s bilingual.”
“Let me guess: Spanish.”
“Right you are. Here it is.”
“You carry it in peanut butter jar?”
“It’s all I had. Here, see the lid? I poked holes in it.”
“Hello.”
“The worm talks!”
“I told you it did.”
“What’s that stuff in the jar with it?”
“Oh, it said it wanted a chicken enchilada, so we stopped on the way.”
“Oh. What do you call it? Where’s it from?”
“Well, I call it Mr. Worm, but where it’s from? I have a theory.”
“This we need to hear after this short commercial.”
“Tomorrow is such a Long Time” (3:03)
“And we’re back with Zork who says he discovered the root cause of TDS. Alright, Zork, you’ve got our attention.”
“Hear me out. Ever see the movie, ‘The Tingler,’ starring Vincent Price who, by the way, wrote a dynamite cookbook? Anyway, the plot was there was a doormat ‘thing’ that we’re all born with that takes control of a person’s spinal cord when scared to death. It is my theory that stupid and gullible people, when subjected to outrages and unbelievable lies that they swallow, has this Dayglow Blue worm that comes to life, and the rest is history.”
“’The rest is history’ is the best you can do?”
“I’m saying we all have a Dayglow Blue worm in our brains, and it comes out only if we act really, really stupid. Here, I’ll give you an example: Russian Collusion. Very few people bought into the lie, but those who did released their worm and were immediately infected with TDS. Rich, poor, smart, dumb, all kinds of people. Ever watch ‘The View?’”
“Heard of the show but never watched it.”
“People like that. ‘No Kings’ people. Stupid people.”
“Is there a cure? I mean, how do you make the worm go away or hibernate or whatever it does?”
“It doesn’t, I’m afraid. Once released, it makes its host nuts, bananas, as crazy as a loon.”
“Let me ask you this: is the phrase, ‘crazy as a loon’ an acceptable psychiatric term that you use in your professional capacity?”
“Every day for sure.”
“There’s been some concern about Muslims being trusted in our military; what’s your take on the subject?”
“Given a choice to share a foxhole with a Muslim or a Christian, which would you choose?”
“Last question: what’s the difference between a girls’ locker room and women serving aboard NAVY ships?”
“Practically none.”
“Our sentiments exactly. I see our time has expired, so this is your Pastor Dunkin, along with Zork, wishing each of you a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Some show. A Dayglow Blue worm. Explains it all, doesn’t it? Burger time: my treat.”
“Sugar, Sugar” (2:49)
Pastor Dunkin