by Henry, ©2025
(Sep. 11, 2025) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. As you can see, we’re back up in the balcony of Pastor Dunkin’s little church down on Hawthorn Street. The Pastor is at the pulpit and raises his hands for the congregation to stand.”
“Welcome, brethren. If you would, please turn to page 67 in your hymnal to join the choir.”
“What a Friend We Have in Jesus” (2:59)
“Thank you; please be seated. The title of today’s sermon is ‘The Apostle Charlie Kirk.’ I don’t come by my decision lightly or alone; I had help. The first to lend assistance was Madam Shylock of Fortune-Teller fame. She called me after Charlie’s passing and said she had a vision from the future that Charlie Kirk has joined the other apostles and now sits at the right hand of Our Lord, Jesus Christ, which didn’t surprise me, nor should it surprise you at all.
“And then I got a call from Chief New Leaf telling me that it was Charlie, and he alone, who saved the Indian tribes of America from despair, drugs and alcoholism. It was Charlie’s amazing story of faith, the Chief said, which saved not only the preceding generation, but the current one as well from Firewater.
“Testimonials to Charlie Kirk are never-ending and will continue as long as people pay attention. The Left-Wing loonies will try and discredit Charlie’s death, but they’ll never be able to discredit Charlie’s contribution to spreading the teachings of the New Testament, of which the Golden Rule reigns supreme.
“The Dems and the Muslims will never accept the Golden Rule as a successful roadmap of life. To the enemy, stealing and treating others as badly as possible are the cornerstones of the New World Order’s philosophy: ‘Take whatever you can get away with’; just ask Nancy Pelosi and AOC.
“Charlie Kirk preached honesty and goodwill, something the Dems cannot abide under any conceivable circumstances. Imagine, if you will, Hillary telling the truth or, for that matter, the Fake News telling the truth, starting with ‘Russian Collusion’ and ending with the 2020 election. They can’t do it because telling the truth will expose the lie, the lie that they are against the Constitution and want to make America one big Socialistic failure.
“You may ask who will protect the people in power in the future; well, it’s the same people who are protecting them now. If you ever wondered why they don’t hire ex-military to ‘Serve and Protect,’ it’s because the military will actually weigh any order being legal or not. Ex-military police wouldn’t stand around and watch their city burn by BLM and ANTIFA; they wouldn’t stand around and do nothing. Please turn to page 427 and join our choir.”
“It Is Well with My Soul” (5:17)
“Charlie was the messenger of the scriptures, the ‘express rider’ bringing the Good News to the thirsty, young and old alike, right into the Lion’s Den, fearless and never wavering in his belief in the goodness of people, just as we do. Charlie spread the Good News with joy and preached the truth. There are but two sexes. That’s not Charlie’s belief; that’s reality, and the truth of the matter is coddling to mental illness is not the solution but the problem.
“This church – our church – has nominated Charlie Kirk to be named as a genuine apostle of Jesus Christ, and we hope you support our position. We hope you are not surprised and will support that the moniker of Saint be bestowed upon him for being a Christian Martyr sometime in the future.
“Let us pray. Dear Lord, we lost a friend when Charlie was murdered. From this moment forward we will not turn the other cheek but seek out those who wish to do us harm and give them justice. Give us the wisdom to keep our weapons clean and loaded. This we ask of Thee. Amen.”
“And that will do it for us, too.”
“Onward Christian Solders” (5:03)