by Roving Reporter, ©2025
(May 3, 2025) — “Smoke Smoke Smoke (That Cigarette)” (3:04) [This song applies to marijuana, too.]
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. That’s right: the votes are in, but it was a lot closer than any of us expected, and if Chuck Schumer demands a recount, we’ll oblige. Yes, it was that close; fewer than 1,000 votes separated the two. Anyway, to present the award is our favorite frog, Henry. The floor, as they say, is yours.”
“Thank you, Roving, for asking me to be this year’s Master of Ceremonies, which is a great honor. It’s a shame the recipient of this wonderful plaque isn’t here to receive this award in person, but rest assured that it will be predominantly displayed – front and center – in the foyer at the office of ‘Pulse,’ the most-watched information show in its time slot.
“Before me is a life-size mannequin and, as you can see, instead of a head there’s an empty Kleenex box that I think adequately describes the IQ of the focus, Jasmine Crockett, of this medal. Drum roll, please.”
“Drum roll” (0:06)
“Thank you. That concludes this presentation.”
“Excuse me, Henry, got a minute? I know you’re busy but I’m sure our audience wonders what you’ve been up to. First of all, let me offer our heartfelt condolences that Trump didn’t name you as Secretary of Defense or even the Secretary of the Navy. Had Trump done so, I’m sure there would be no females on Navy ships.”
“Yes, what a disappointment that was. I mean, the least any of them could have done is to put me in charge of getting the women off the ships. I mean, that’s not asking much, right? Heck, they can ask now and I’ll do it, for almost free, a worm here and there, and the Navy has plenty of water, right?”
“Yes, offhand, I’d say the Navy has the monopoly on water. I understand you brought your ‘5-Lady Can-Can Troup’ along. May we see them?”
“Most assuredly. Here they are.”
“Oo-la-la Can-Can Dancers” (1:04)
“Thank you, ladies. There’s been talk of you and Zork collaborating on the theory that there has been an epoch of civilizations that predate what is considered old, more than, say, 12,000 years ago.”
“Make it more than that. Yes, the ‘Ancients,’ as we call them, are the ones responsible for cutting and moving those heavy stones from Peru to Egypt. Ancient technology that was not passed down; maybe the ‘Great Flood’ had a hand in erasing the knowledge of moving those heavy stones, some weighing around 200,000 pounds, and more. We also believe we shouldn’t be unduly surprised that humans have reached the moon before our time.”
“No way.”
“I’m afraid so. Of all the great minds in the last, say, 3,000 years, no one has solved the puzzle of how those granite Egyptian sarcophagi were cut and moved; same goes for Peru and other places around the globe. What the book is about is asking the questions that require answers.”
“No little ‘Green men?’”
“No, we kept the subject on an adult level and not relying on pure fantasy. If you want make-believe, watch a woke Disney movie, okay?”
“Okay. With the new satellite imaging all kinds of discoveries are being made quite often.”
“Yes, that is the case. But what had really stymied the archeologists is deciphering what they find. But one thing I’ll say.”
“Go ahead.”
“Our ancestors were a lot smarter than most of us give them credit for.”
“And you think a lot of what they knew has been lost?”
“Let’s figure out how the ‘Great Pyramid of Giza’ was constructed and then we’ll see.”
“How is the book written?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, is it just a dry textbook or is it written as a mystery novel?”
“It’s written as a play. That’s right, and the big scene is when a couple of moonwalkers stumble upon clear-cut evidence of previous human visitation.”
“And, I’m almost afraid to ask, but what would constitute ‘clear evidence?’”
“Why, the first drive-in burger joint, that’s what.”
“Unbelievable. Well, Henry, I must say you never fail to amaze us. I wish this interview would go on, but unfortunately our time has expired so this is your Roving Reporter, along with Henry, wishing all of you a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Good show. I’m grabbing a burger, you want one? Oh, you brought a snack? Fresh grubs with a dusting of larva? Sounds good. Let’s eat in the break room.”
“The Original Stroll” (2:35)
Roving Reporter
Omar and AOC demand a Recount
Ilhan Omar has demanded a recount, saying she has been in Congress longer than Jasmine Crockett, so she deserves to be given, in her words, ‘due consideration’ because of her ‘longevity.’
However, AOC has submitted recent footage of Bernie Sanders and her embarrassment tour, so the judges may reconsider.
We’ll keep you all informed of any changes. An interesting note is that Henry suggested the concept of MULTIPLE WINNERS. Henry also offered the concept of PARTICIPATION STUPID AWARDS TO ALL OF THE DEMS for being so stupid by default.
We’ll stay on it, but as it stands, Jasmine Crockett is the hands-on winner.
Roving Reporter