by Roving Reporter, ©2025
(Jan. 19, 2025) — “Pretty Blue Eyes” (1:48)
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it hear first. The search for Dark Matter has eluded cosmologists for decades. It has been widely understood there’s something out there that we can’t measure, weigh or see, yet the equations which predict the gravitational tug on galaxies need something else to explain their rotation and attraction besides the stars we can see. Recently, a new book hit the shelves called ‘The Search for Darviation’ written by Professor Zorkophsky. The professor has been of our more frequent featured guests and we’re glad to have him back to explain it all to us. Welcome to ‘Pulse,’ the most-watched information show in its time slot.”
“Thank you for inviting me to hawk my soon-to-be bestseller.”
“Yes, I’m sure. I take it finding — what do you call it — ‘darviation’ — is important?”
“I’d say right now it’s the ‘Holy Grail‘ of astronomy. Look, I know that 99.9% of the population couldn’t care less, but if we’re ever going to explore space we need to know as much as we can.”
“And we need to know about this ‘dark stuff?’ Really?”
“I think so. Buy the book. $19.95; signed copies only $39.95. ‘Dar…’ for ‘dark’ and ‘…viation’ for the gravitational energy it generates. It’s out there; all we gotta do is find it.”
“Well, it sounds really interesting. May I ask how you wrote it? I mean, what style did you use?”
“I used the tried-and-true ‘boring textbook’ style. Just the facts.”
“I see. Well, it sounds rather exciting.”
“The exciting part of it all is to try and get more funding for the research; I mean, we can’t expect answers for free, now, can we?”
“No, I suppose not. What do you say we pause for a short commercial break? Be right back.”
“Tammy” (3:10)
“And we’re back. Professor Zorkophsky had to leave for a book signing so I’m afraid we’ll have to wing it. But maybe not, because guess who just walked in? That’s right: the General wheeling his chalkboard. How you doin’, General?”
“You’re out of uniform, but then you always are. How did you ever get a Good Conduct Medal?”
“Just lucky, I guess, sir.”
“I agree. You’re a born slob; did you know that?”
“Yes, sir, thank you, sir.”
“You’re welcome. Better. What was that, some sort of sorry excuse for standing at attention? And what are those on your feet, slippers?”
“Yes, sir, slippers. They’re comfortable.”
“I hope you’re not planning on taking out a machine gun nest wearing those.”
“No, sir, no machine gun nest that I can foresee.”
“Good. Make for a bad publicity photo, you standing atop a machine gun nest wearing slippers. Can’t have that. Give the military a bad name. Like some sort of DEI nonsense. Can’t have that. No queers, understand? Mental illness is a sickness that can’t be allowed to spread to the low-information voters among us. Not acceptable. Kick them out. Send them all to the Taliban, if you ask me.”
“Make them a trade: the Afghanistan Christians for our queers.”
“I’m beginning to like you, Roving. Give me you size, and I’ll pick up a uniform for you at the PX. What did I make you, a Lieutenant Colonel?”
“I think I’d like to be an Admiral, General.”
“Not with that attitude, young man. I think I’ll get a Seaman Recruit uniform for you. Wear it with pride. Now, getting to my chalkboard.”
“No, sir. Been there, done that. Ever meet Henry?”
“The talking frog?”
“That’s the one.”
“Never had the pleasure. Now, see these blue lines where they intersect the orange ones? Now pay attention. The Israelis are trading over one thousand prisoners for a handful of hostages, most likely newly dead. Murdered. In cold blood. When will it ever end? I’ll tell you: never.”
“Never?”
“Unless…”
“Never unless what?”
“Unless reason prevails, but that’ll never happen, although all peace-loving people hope it will. You know, they love to kill, even dogs. Crazy.”
“Do you think Trump will call for the deportation of the Muslims?”
“Truthfully?”
“Of course truthfully.”
“I’d rather let the viewers come to their own conclusion on that one.”
“Good point; diplomatic ’til the very end. Unfortunately, our time is up, so this is your Roving Reporter, along with the General, wishing all of you a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Good show. Burger time: my treat.”
“Have You Heard?” (2:27)
Roving Reporter