by Roving Reporter, ©2024
(Feb. 11, 2024) — “Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue” (3:13)
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. We have a rather interesting show for you with our featured guest, Professor Zorkophsky, the renowned author of psychiatric books for the amateur shrink. Welcome aboard ‘Pulse,’ the most-watched information show in its time slot.”
“And thank you for inviting me back to hawk my latest book, ‘Archeology 2399.’”
“Interesting title. What kind of book is it?”
“Well, actually it’s written as a screenplay. You see, these students are out on dig in South Dakota and make a discovery of a brand-new species of a humanoid, and whoever funds the dig gets to name any new find.”
“So, these students dig up the bones of a humanoid, but why name it after Mitch McConnell?”
“Because in the year 2399 they have this gizmo that can scan the empty skull and determine past thought patterns.”
“That’s nice, but why McConnell?”
“Because the past thought patterns the gizmo discovered were nothing but kickbacks and stupidity, that’s why, just like the real Mitch McConnell of today.”
“Oh, that makes sense.”
“Buy the book; you won’t regret it. Sold wherever books are sold. Thanks for having me.”
“You’re more than welcome. We’ll be right back after this short commercial break.”
“Friendly Persuasion” (3:06)
“And we’re back with another perennial guest, Madam Shylock [“Fortune Teller” (2;41)]. Welcome aboard. How’s it going with you?”
“Good. My séances are booked ‘til October – that’s my moneymaker – so I’m doing really good.”
“That’s interesting. Can you describe one of your séances?”
“With pleasure. Let’s say a loved one passed and the bereaved has a few questions. There’s a six-month waiting period, by the way. I do them at 10:00 p.m. on Saturdays. Weather permitting, I serve dogs* and marshmallows; if not, a bag of Fritos is offered.”
“And then what?”
“I uncover my crystal ball and tell them what I see.”
“And what do you usually see?”
“I always see peace and harmony, quiet and serenity, calmness and tranquility. My clients leave with a manageable blood pressure, of this I can assure you.”
“That’s nice. What else is new?”
“We’re waiting for the other shoe to drop. You let in millions and don’t expect any payback? Keep dreaming.”
“Expand on that thought, if you would, please.”
“The illegals come from countries where women have no rights, and just because they come here doesn’t mean they change their ways, Constitution or not. They hate our guts because we’re weak because we let them in. They know it, you and I know it, but the Dems couldn’t care less about the United States. And that’s all I have to say at this time.”
“Well, I say you said plenty and we thank you for it. And so, this is your Roving Reporter, along with Madam Shylock, wishing each of you a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Good show. Burger time: my treat.”
[*dogs: Hot Dogs.]
[Note: As a reminder, Mitt Romney is a has-been who has never, ever even been a been.]
[And if Joe Biden were a stand-up guy, he’d pardon the Jan. Sixers, but he’s not, so he won’t.]
[Last time, not one red cent to Ukraine.]
“Justice for All” (2:24)
Roving Reporter