by Roving Reporter, ©2023
(Apr. 7, 2023) — “Justice for All” (2:24)
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. Back by popular demand is our very own Madam Shylock, our favorite fortuneteller par excellence. Madam Shylock just returned from working undercover/undercover. First, what the heck is ‘undercover/undercover?’”
“I’ll tell you. I snuck into California, is what I did, under the guise of ‘Pay Me and I’ll Tell You What You Want to Hear.’ Chief New Leaf was kind enough to lend me his sumptuous RV, and a customized steering wheel and pedals were designed so Henry could drive it. Pretty ingenious, I’d have to say. We went through a couple of CHP roadblocks and breezed through with no problems.”
“Well, I guess they’re used to seeing some pretty strange stuff, California and all.”
“Didn’t bat an eye. I guess seeing a frog drive an RV the size of a bus isn’t strange enough for them. I mean, you want ‘strange,’ just look at their governor, for pity’s sake. If you were asked to nominate the 20 worst governors of all time, Newsom’s name would have to be among them, along with Gretchen Whitmer of Michigan, Kathy Hochul of New York, and Katie Hobbs of Arizona.”
“That’s so true, isn’t it? The heck with the Constitution. Where did you go while in California?”
“First off I have to say never travel at night.”
“Why?”
“The nuttier than normal come out, that’s why. It’s a dangerous place times four, is what. Dangerous for being a ‘blue’ state; dangerous for being a sanctuary state; dangerous for being a stupid/Communist state; and dangerous for being a place of the ‘woke.’ Very scary place, a place where they knife you in the morning as well as any other time.”
“Knife you? Why, why knife people?”
“Because it’s the weapon of choice. See all those ads on TV?”
“You talking about the kitchen knives ads?”
“You know where the ‘kitchen’ is? It’s Main Street, it’s the street where you live, it’s your hometown drag, it’s Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard.”
“Let’s pause for a quick commercial.”
“The Thrill is Gone” (6:11)
“And we’re back with Madam Shylock who was telling us about how dangerous California has become.”
“That’s right. Years ago, I lived all over California, from San Francisco to San Diego, and enjoyed it all. But now? No way.”
“Tell us what you did.”
“ We would stop at roadside parks where I would hang out my ‘Madam Shylock’s Fortune- Telling Emporium’ banner.’”
“Did you need a license to do business in California?”
“Yes, I did, so I got a ‘Hot Dog Vendor’s License’ and I was off and running. Always had long lines, mostly of young women looking for an easy way to find ‘Prince Charming.’”
“No way. And they were okay with that?”
“Piece of cake. Henry cooked the dogs and I served them while telling the young ladies – telling their ‘fortunes’ — to get the heck out of California ASAP.”
“For real?”
“For real. I just told the truth and said if they ever watched ‘The View’ they might as well hang it up.”
“For real?”
“For real. I told them the truth about the stolen election and that Trump is America’s last hope. I also told them to always be armed and did a little sales on the side, mostly lightweight .38 pistols. I stayed a couple of weeks and when we finally crossed the border into Nevada, we felt relieved we were out of that cesspool of Communist agendas every which way.”
“So, your foray into the ‘Land of Falsehoods’ was a success?”
“Totally successful. Scary place. First thing you learn while in California: don’t even think about revealing the truth in any way. Don’t even hint at the truth because – be careful — they may freak out and run to the cops, is what they’ll do. I told the truth to the young ladies wanting their fortunes read and sold a lot of guns, but no one turned us in. Grateful for that, by the way. Glad we made it out, though.”
“And we’re glad you made it out, too. How were Henry’s driving skills, by the way?”
“I wish you wouldn’t’ve brought that up. Terrible, he is. He always drives five miles per hour under the speed limit and in California that is life’s greatest sin, no lie. I bet we were pulled over at least five times for impeding traffic by driving too slow.’ Embarrassing.”
“No doubt. And the cops never batted an eye, I mean about Henry; incredible. We truly must be grateful for miracles, however small. Well, interesting talk, so this is your Roving Reporter, along with Madam Shylock, wishing you all a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Good show. Burger time: my treat.”
“Trump Won” (3:30)