by Roving Reporter, ©2023
(Feb. 13, 2023) —“Brandy (You’re a Fine Girl)” (3:08)
“Controlled burn; the check is in the mail; just a little bit pregnant; ‘I’m from the government and I’m here to help’ (0:14); ‘the additional IRS agents will only go after wealthy people’; Russia is losing the war; alien balloon; Barry Soetoro, aka Obama, was born in Hawaii; most secure election ever; open and transparent administration.”
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. As you can see, we’re back in the drugstore where Henry is answering question from the press. Henry is sitting on the cake and pie display at the end of the counter. Let’s listen in.”
“…and then my father said, ‘Fish or cut bait’ to the fishermen and they proceeded to use him to catch a Largemouth Bass. It was a sad day for our family, and we croaked far into the night. Yes, you over there by the gum shelf.”
“A few weeks ago, in one of your interviews with Roving, I believe it was, you said something about Trump not having the wherewithal to deport our enemy and, if I recall, you specifically mentioned Omar and Tlaib.”
“Yes, that’s right, and I did mention those two, plus all the others who are here. Look, if there’s one thing we can take away from World War II, it’s this: if somebody says they’re going to kill you, believe them. The Muslims have a 1,400-year well-documented history of murdering everyone they come across, and their obsession with killing Jews is beyond question. Next question, please.”
“Getting back to the previous question, what’s your solution?”
“Deport them. I mean, seriously, deport them. No questions.”
“But what if they’re U.S. citizens?”
“Face it: they’re Muslims first. Deport them. Wait, let me finish. I want to say that the DHS** is no friend of ours, okay? They gave out citizenships like they were Hershey bars so, no, deport them. Someone said that Trump* won’t do that, deport the Muslims. Well, I say if we want to save our country, we have no choice. Heck, the Muslims are out-birthing us 100 to 1. Soon we’ll have more and more of them in Congress and the next thing we know they’ll be replacing the Constitution with Sharia and then it’ll be all over for the USA.”
“What do you think they’ll do then?”
“Truthfully they’ll eliminate all the stupid people, all the gullible people who bought into their lies.”
“You mean the Dems?”
“You got it. Yes, the lady with the malt in front of her.”
“You once said something about you wouldn’t allow women on Navy ships; do you still think that way and, if so, why?”
“When you break combat down to the lowest common denominator, women, to men, are a distraction. A distraction, while in combat, can get you killed and that’s all there is to it. You want to talk it to death, go outside. Evolution has made men protective of women, whether you be a frog or a human. And no queers in the military, got it? None of this LBGTQ nonsense, and if you don’t like it, leave. Go to China or Iran. I’m sorry, I’m a little parched, so what do you say we take a commercial break? Be right back.”
“Joy to the World” (3:47)
“Now I’m back, live. You, near the door. Yes, you with the red sweater.”
“You were talking about women serving on aircraft carriers. Do you think Trump will consider your idea?”
“No, I don’t and I don’t see any other candidate getting religion, either. No women and no queers. Period. And next time maybe we’ll have a Secretary of Defense who knows something about winning a war, let alone fighting one.”
“And you do?”
“Frogs are well-known for their warfare skills, no doubt about it. Yes, the lady in front of me?”
“Are you really running for president or just making waves?”
“I think I’m making waves but maybe I’ll run. Look, if we don’t get it right, and real soon, too, we won’t have a country left to fix. The Biden administration is so far beyond incompetent it’ll be absolutely amazing if any of America is left by the time 2024 rolls around.”
“How do you figure that?”
“I figure that anyone who got the ‘Clot Shot’ will be dead or incapacitated in some way by then. Any questions?”
“What about passport IDs for vaxxed people?”
“Same as voter ID. Look, they can do one but not the other? You sound as if you believe in Affirmative Action. Security, please escort this lady out of here. Thank you. One more question. Yes, you with the mask on. Why are you wearing a mask? Don’t you know they don’t work; like trying to keep a gnat out of your backyard using a chain-link fence. Security, please escort the masked gentleman out of here. Thank you. Face it, I don’t like stupid people. One last question and we’ll call it a day. Yes, you there?”
“Do you have any thoughts about the derailment in Ohio?”
“You mean the one a quarter-mile from Pennsylvania?”
“Yes.”
“Let me say this: a few years ago, during the presidential race in 2012, there was one candidate who stressed the importance of our railroads achieving the high standards of the Japanese railroads. He was ignored. The people in Ohio are paying the price for ignorance, I’m sorry to say. If we don’t start doing what needs to be done, well, we’ll be toast. I think I’ll take another question. Yes, you there.”
“Niki Haley is running for president; any thoughts?”
“Give me a break; she’s nothing more than Mitch McConnell in drag. One last thought: that fiasco train wreck in Ohio is synonymous with the train wreck in the White House. Thank you for attending my news conference.”
Henry hops down and out the door.
“Well, that’s all we’ve time for so I’ll just wish you all a goodnight: Goodnight.”
“Good show. Burger time.”
[*Trump: I think even if Henry does decide to run for president for real, we here at ‘Pulse’ will continue to support Trump.][**DHS: Ever think about closing the border?]
“Pieces of April” (4:12)