by Roving Reporter, ©2023
(Mar. 26, 2023) — “Ko-u-i-po” (2:24)
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. We thought it was necessary to put the rumors of Henry’s leaving to rest, once and for all. Joining us is Henry’s next-door neighbor, none other than Madam Shylock, our favorite fortuneteller. Welcome to the show, the most-watched information show in its time slot.”
“Why, thank you very much, Roving, for such an uplifting introduction. And, yes, I’ve been Henry’s next-door neighbor for several years, been more than glad to welcome Henry to many breakfasts and lunches. Many of you may not be aware of this, but Henry is a real gentleman, the epitome of good manners.”
“Yes, that is true, isn’t it? Well-mannered and well-dressed; I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if Henry isn’t voted the ‘Best-Dressed Politician of the Decade.’ I understand that you have some rather interesting information for us, isn’t that so?”
“I think so. For some reason, Henry couldn’t get a signal on his phone so he asked if he could borrow mine. Anyway, to make a log story short, I inadvertently overheard much of his conversation with his boss.”
“Zyklon?”
“Yes. Anyway, as I was sayin’, Henry was telling a story about witnessing a ‘Lord of the Flies’ event while serving aboard ship in the Navy. Henry was standing the midwatch – 12 to 4:00 am – and at 0330 went below to wake his replacement. 0400 rolls around and his replacement didn’t show so the Sergeant of the Guard orders Henry to fetch his replacement. Are you following, Roving?”
“Yes, of course; please continue.”
“Henry replies that he is taking the replacement’s place, saying he owes him a favor, but the Sergeant of the Guard doesn’t buy it and, with another six Marines, goes below to fetch the replacement. Henry follows the goons below only to see that his replacement cannot wake, that he is in some sort of ‘zombie-like trance’ between sleep and wakefulness, and the Marines, rather than let the replacement sleep, roughly* manhandle him all the way to the brig.”
“You’re leaving out something, aren’t you?”
“Yes, I failed to mention that the Navy should never have accepted that particular sailor, that he was mentally unfit to serve in any military capacity, which is what Henry testified at the replacement’s XO** mast, which earned him the everlasting wrath of the Marine detachment as long as he served on the ship.”
“Quite a story, but what was the point? I mean, why did Henry tell the story to Zyklon?”
“Simple: Zyklon couldn’t understand why the Dems hate the Constitution, so Henry told him his story to explain mob behavior, when logic goes out the window and acting without reason is the norm, that comparing a policeman’s job to one of a soldier’s is like comparing a high school hall monitor to an NFL referee. So Henry isn’t going anywhere anytime soon.”
“Oh, yes, we get it. The military follows the Constitution while the cops follow the orders of their Chief or Mayor, the difference between a Constitutional Republic and a dictatorship. We’ll take a commercial break at this time; be right back; don’t go anywhere, you hear?”
“His Latest Flame” (4:00)
“And we’re back. Trump had a great crowd in Waco last night: total success. Okay, now we’re out of here and so, on behalf of Madam Shylock, this is your Roving Reporter wishing all of you a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Good show. Burger time: my treat.”
[*Roughly: That actually should be ‘quite unnecessarily roughly.’ Even though I was pretty big and strong back then — I could’ve easily taken down at least two, very possibly three of them, but not six at one time. I thought about it, I really did, tackling all of them to protect my shipmate and, to this day, I feel a sense of guilt that I could’ve have done more, although I don’t see how. Feel bad about it, though, even after quite a few years. When I spoke at the XO mast I was not looked upon favorably, that I can attest to, by the XO or the Marines. But I do feel proud that I told the truth, that it wasn’t the kid’s fault. At least that I stood up for him. I was the only one.]
[**XO mast: Executive Officer’s mast, or court. Henry thinks the replacement got 30 days in the brig, suffering brutal and cruel treatment from his Marine guards. The replacement may have been autistic.]
“Fortuneteller” (2:41)
Who is Roughly, where did they find him, how many of Real zombie’s constituents are falling for the substitution, and where is Real zombie Senator from PA really?