by Roving Reporter, ©2022

(Jul. 5, 2022) — “Amazing Grace” (4:27) (worth the listen)

“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. We at ‘Pulse’ are all armed, women more than the men. Besides the usual handgun, women have mace and zappers and out-claw the men. Today we’re once again responding to an invitation to Miss Bernard’s class which is about to start a school play. What do you say we listen in?

Drum roll as a 6th grader, dressed as Uncle Sam, walks to the center of the stage, stops, looks out at the audience, and says…

“Welcome to our annual school play celebrating our country’s separation from a tyrannical government. What you are about to see was written by the student body. Our teacher, Miss Bernard, acted as our mentor and we would be remiss if we didn’t thank her from the start: thank you, Miss Bernard.”

Drum roll as ‘Uncle Sam’ exits stage right as the curtain opens to a group of Revolutionary soldiers standing at the edge of a river, represented by large white styrofoam blocks that lay scattered before them.

“We have to cross this river or else the British Army will annihilate us.”

“Why do they want to do that?”

“Because we didn’t pay the tax, dummy.”

“What tax?”

“See? Now do you understand?”

“All I understand is that I’m freezing and that we have to cross the river; that I understand. Someone call a ferry.”

“There is no ferry.”

“What about a bridge?”

“There is no bridge, at least not yet. Wait a couple of hundred years.”

“I can’t wait a ‘couple of hundred years’: I’ll be dead.”

“And you’ll be dead if you don’t.”

“What are those white styrofoam things?”

“Ice. Chunks of ice.”

“No kidding? Chunks of ice. What are those things sitting on top of the chunks of ice?”

“Clear plastic cups, extra-large, with ice cubes representing very cold water.”

“I get it. Oh, is that a rowboat?”

“It is, and you’re about to embark.”

“Embark? Why don’t you just say, ‘get in and get out of here?’ That’s what I’m going to do. If anybody else wants to ‘embark,’ all the power to them, I say. How you going to get the whole army across with just one boat?”

“We found every boat up and down the river.”

“You mean to say you rented every boat for ten miles up and down the river?”

“Not quite.”

“You bought them?”

“Not quite.”

“You mean to say you stole them?”

“We left notes.”

“Notes? Notes like, ‘Thanks for the use of your boat’? Is that right?”

“What do you expect? The British are coming.”

“You said that already.”

“Better get a move-on; I see a fog bank. Hurry.”

The curtain lowers as ‘Uncle Sam’ returns and addresses the audience:

“Indeed, there was a fog bank, and another, and yet another attributed to Divine Providence, which allowed the Revolutionists — Washington’s army, our army — to avoid defeat to fight victoriously another day. Thank you for watching our play.”

“Roving here saying, ‘Great play,’ and we’re about to take a break. Be right back; don’t go anywhere.”

You Can Have Her” (2:54)

“Okay, we enjoyed the school play, so I guess there are some more to go. What’s next?”

“The kids want to have a Q&A with Roving, if that’s all right with you?”

“Let’s go for it. First question?”

“The Republicans have traitors called ‘RINOs’; what do the Dems have?”

“Dems don’t have any traitors because they stick together like rats, but if they had a counterpart, they’d be called ‘DINOs,’ after extinct dinosaurs.”

“Why is that?”

“Because they never contribute anything of substance; all they do is detract, subtract and think thoughts as ancient as a pterodactyl, like ‘Russian Collusion’ and ‘insurrection,’ as if we don’t know that it was Mike ‘Judas’ Pence who started the real insurrection by counting fraudulent votes, thereby backstabbing Trump and the rest of us, giving Biden-Harris the opportunity to destroy our Republic, allowing disease-ridden illegals to infect us with typhus and tuberculous, just two of the virulent and infectious bugs that are coming across our southern border every day; thanks, Biden-Harris. I’m sorry, but I need a break, so if you’ll excuse me for a couple of minutes?”

Midnight at the Oasis” (3:48)

“And we’re back to take one last question.”

“Santa Claus brought me a Red Ryder BB Gun last Christmas and my daddy has been teaching me gun safety, so I’m thinking about asking Santa for a .22 semi-automatic rifle this Christmas. What do you think?”

“I’ll leave that answer to your parents but, if you were my son, I would seriously consider it by leaving Santa out of the picture. I think it would be more meaningful if you and your dad would choose your next gun together. And that’ll be enough for this session of ‘Pulse,’ the most-watched information show in its time slot. I’d like to say that the Dems will stop at nothing whatsoever to abolish our Second Amendment. They’ll let mass shootings continue; heck, they may orchestrate them themselves.

“So, the Dems aren’t in favor of celebrating the 4th; they figure that the only spectators of any parade are pro-Constitution and pro-USA, therefore prime targets of opportunity; I mean, why wait for Pelosi’s illegal immigrants to home-invade, torture, rape and murder while our own homegrown nuts can do the job just as well? Oh, sorry, I forgot to turn off my phone. It’s from Zork, I mean Professor Zorkophsky. What do you say we take his call? I’ll put it on speaker. Hello, Professor Zorkophsky.”

“Sorry to bother you at work, but I just want to warn your audience that if those infected with ‘Trump Derangement Syndrome’ are left untreated, you end up with a Mitt Romney, Paul Ryan or, even worse, a Liz Cheney*, probably the most extreme example of ‘acute disillusion syndrome’ behavior ever recorded, which is why I recommend that she be placed in a padded cell for her own good (and ours) and the sooner the better, trust me. And that’s all that I wanted to say except please call me ‘Zork’ since I feel that it makes for a more relaxing atmosphere. Keep your guns, keep alert, and keep vigilant because freedom certainly isn’t free.”

“Good point, and with that I’ll be wishing you all a goodnight: Goodnight.

“Good show. Burger time: my treat.”

[*Liz Cheney: It has been said that an older person’s looks reflect the kind of person they really are on the inside. I must say that Cheney’s looks are of a disdainful, selfish and vindictive person and there’s nothing she could possibly do to change that.]

[Little People Report: waiting for The Call.]

[Got to hand it to the Dems on their never-ending quest to destroy our country. They just succeeded in taking away the one time of the year where the whole community gets together. The never-ending Socialist teachings in our government indoctrination centers (public schools); the blatant importing of Muslims who want nothing more than to replace the Constitution with Sharia Law; and the illegal immigrants from all over who couldn’t care less about the future of our Republic as long as we keep them on the Welfare rolls with free housing, utilities (I used to work for the Palm Beach County Housing Authority. Those who lived in public housing would run the A/C on full blast while leaving the windows and doors open when it was hot as Hades), Food Stamps, and cash, not to mention free medical].

[Last thought: None of us needs an excuse to be armed. We don’t need to ‘hunt,’ but we do need to protect ourselves. We must always carry and at home have a rifle and shotgun handy. No excuse, absolutely none why each of us can’t protect ourselves from a tyrannical government.]

[Ray Liotta just died. Don’t you get the ‘CLOT SHOT’ and don’t let any kid get it; don’t trust this rogue government. No one died at home (as far as I know) from COVID; only died in hospitals. And maybe, just maybe, we’ll get a Secretary of Defense that is worth a hoot. Imagine this: Trump gets reelected and has a Secretary of Defense who doesn’t make the troops get a shot that’ll kill them, just as if a Chinese bullet went right through their heart on the battlefield.]

Love (Can Make You Happy)” (3:16)

Roving Reporter

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