“THE FACTS SPEAK OTHERWISE”
by OPOVV, ©2019
“Our previous secretary, who typed the transcripts to send to The P&E, had to be let go, and our new employee, Miss Molly, seems to fit right in. We’re darn lucky to have her, so what do you say we give a hearty round of applause in welcoming her to the ‘Pulse’ family?”
Sound of applause is dubbed in.
“Thank you, but before we jump into the long-awaited interview with Professor Zorkophsky, let’s get this commercial* out of the way.”
“All About That Bass” (4:14)
“And we’re back live. Allow me to introduce myself: my name is Roving, as in Roving Reporter (RR), and with me is Professor Zorkophsky, the renowned professor of psychiatry and the author of numerous best-selling textbooks, but recently honored as the producer of that blockbuster hit, ‘The Dandelion War.‘ Hello, Professor, and I must say you seem to have a lot of gadgets in your office; what’s the latest one?”
“This one right behind me; it’s a ‘Dee Inn Hay.’”
“Because of possible copyright infringement, we can’t call it what it is: a machine that prints out your DNA. I built it myself, by the way. And, please, Roving, you can call me ‘Zork’ as long as we’re in my comfortable office. I took the liberty to turn it on when you came in. Let’s see what it says, shall we?”
“Okay, and then let’s hawk your new book; how does that sound?”
“Sounds okay with me. Now, it says here that you are American and have an attitude that can only be found having served in the military in some capacity that ticked you off more often than not; is that correct?”
“Not all of the time? I think it made a mistake.”
“You see, it was right. Now, about my book.”
“I notice that you’re on the best-seller list already; what’s that about, pre-sales?”
“That’s right, it’s a form of advertising: if it’s on the list it’s a guarantee to sell like hotcakes.”
“The title isn’t earth-shattering, I mean, you have written about the truth a couple of times, haven’t you?”
“That I have, Roving, and isn’t it great? Each one has made me a lot of money. Actually, the idea for this book came from an interview of your Zyklon character, I mean, looking at it from the perspective from outer space.”
“I’ve broken down truth into three categories: 1) Perceived; 2) Tainted; 3) Actual.
“1) Perceived: whatever we want to consider the truth shall be nothing but, so in the perceived sense, truth changes as the steadfast belief in the Easter Bunny actually being a rabbit depositing hard-boiled eggs all over the place changes over time to be the government sending hard-earned taxpayer money to lazy bums who think nothing of getting something for nothing.
“3) Actual: in the actual realm of what we believe, we must have an actual starting point, a reference that can’t be changing. The moon is a suggestion, as is the life cycle of the mosquito. The reference point must be something non-human; must be somewhat stable from day to day, something to count on, like the high tide or the sun rising. So you have to ask yourself if your belief system is self-sustaining? The Aztecs thought they had the answer, but weren’t they surprised when the neighboring tribes ganged-up with Hernan Cortez and did them in. The followers of Islam are just as delusional as the Aztecs were.”
“I don’t think anybody with half a brain wonders anymore, Zork. Muslims marry children, kill ‘unbelievers,’ and have the unmitigated audacity to wonder why people hate their guts. So if that’s the case, what are any of them doing in a country that prides itself on letting women do whatever they darn please, such as carry a loaded .357 Magnum revolver?”
“You can look at Muslims in our country in three ways.
“1) Migrants wanting a better future for their children, so some perceive.
“2) Some Muslims are ‘moderate’; all Muslims aren’t crazed Jihadists and are willing to die to murder innocent humans who never hurt anybody in their lives, like what happened on 9-11 when innocent Cub Scouts** were murdered. This is what is known as a ‘tainted’ belief system, where the facts speak otherwise, and for proof, reference that Jewish young man who was kidnapped in Marseilles, France, tortured beyond belief in a Muslim apartment complex where everyone heard his screams, yet not one called the police.
“3) The actual reason why the European Union was founded was to open the floodgates for Muslim invasion, and the reason why the Department of State and the Department of Homeland Security welcome Muslims in our country is for the very same reason, and that’s the actual truth for our Muslim invasion.”
“Well, I asked the question so I shouldn’t be surprised at the answer.”
“As an extra, I have a chapter on the world’s most depraved mass killers: you know, Hitler, Stalin, Mao, Val the Impaler, Pol Pot, to name a few, but I thought it would be fun to know of any possible future mass depraved murderers, so I called Madam Shylock for some help. She said she would consult with her crystal ball and a little while later she called back and said she wasn’t sure if she was reading it right or not, and would I still be interested in what she had to say.”
“Well, tell us what she had to say after the break.”
“Devil Woman” (3:32)
“She said that, had Hillary won, Obama would have either taken over or else followed in her footsteps, and then we would know the biggest mass killer in the history of the world. She said that Obama would make America a Muslim Killing Field from coast to coast, turning every church and grocery store into a mosque and making the Jewish Question in Hitler’s NAZI Germany just a dress rehearsal for the public beheadings and the LGBT hangings from lampposts a practice run.”
“Golly, Zork, how about making these interviews fun, with a laugh or two?”
“A Mullah once said, ‘There is no laughter in Islam,’ which just about covers it, wouldn’t you say?”
“Gosh, Zork, how depressing.”
“I’m sorry you think that way, Roving, but truth is neither good nor bad: it’s just actual.”
“Nice plug for your book, and with that, on behalf of the crew and Zork, I’ll be wishing you all a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Good show. Burger time: my treat.”
[*commercial: we do not transcribe commercials, so when the tape is transcribed, the break is filled in by a song of our new secretary’s choosing.]
[**Cub Scouts: they were on their way to Disneyland in Anaheim, CA.]
[Here’s a shout-out Moose: Happy Birthday.]
“Seven Nation Army” (4:31)