“ELIMINATING FROM BULLIES”
by OPOVV, ©2019
(Sep. 27, 2019) — The curtain rises to the tune of “Call of the Faraway Hills” (2:53) upon a stage set as the deck of a US Navy destroyer, in front of a 5” mount. The men, in dungarees, are lounging around — sunbathing, writing letters and shootin’ the breeze. As the music ends, the Captain walks on from stage left, dressed in a French Admiral’s costume of the 1700’s, of shimmering sky-blue silk with tall white ostrich feathers upon his tricorn hat and a large chartreuse papier-maché parrot upon his left shoulder.
“Attention on deck!”
“As you were, men, as you were, but pay attention. Here, gather around; hand me that microphone so all can hear what I’ve got to say. Thank you. Is everyone paying attention? Excuse me, but my pet parrot has to get out of the sun; he burns so easily, you know.
“As some of you may have heard, we’re going into that bay where those boats we saw earlier went, and we’re going to blow them to smithereens, hence I’m wearing what I call my fightin’ outfit. Pardon me? Oh, excuse me, but my parrot says that it’ll be a really dangerous mission because those boats are hidden in caves, so we’ll have to fire directly into the caves, okay?
“Pardon me, but the parrot just reminded me to tell you that there’ll be a lot of noise but not to worry: we’ll be in and out before Jack Robinson can yell, ‘Are we all clear?’”
“Excuse me, Captain, but who is Jack Robinson?”
“Why, this is Jack Robinson, the parrot. Who are you?”
“Miller, sir, Signalman Second Class.”
“Well, Miller, meet Jack Robinson. Jack, this is Miller: if he were a bird he’d be a carrier pigeon. Jack says he’s pleased to make your acquaintance. Well, we’re waiting.”
“Waiting, Captain?”
“Jack just said he’s pleased to meet you; at least you can do the same — you know, make an effort to be polite. Look, I know we’re a thousand miles from nowhere, but we can still act civilized on my ship, so the least you can do is say you’re glad to make Jack’s acquaintance.”
“Oh, yes, Captain, of course. How do you do, Jack? Very pleased to meet you, I’m sure. This here is my shipmate Fred. Fred, meet my new friend Jack.”
“Don’t overdo it, Miller.”
“Aye-aye, sir.”
“Jack here says he’d like to make a speech, so let’s listen up.”
“Since the world began, there’s always been some bad actors. For this particular discussion, we’ll be leaving viruses and mosquitoes out of it: we’ll focus on the human animal.
“That famous writer of psychology textbooks, Professor Zorkophsky – the same dude who made that great movie, ‘The Dandelion War’ – has been on ‘Pulse of the Nation’ quite often in the last couple of years – also on the bestseller list — and he has a pretty good handle on this Trump Derangement Syndrome that I know you’ve all heard about. Our Doc says — that would be Chief Corpsman McNally — that none of us have that mental disease, but there’s a lot of civilians back in the States who have it real bad, and if I were a praying man I’d pray for them, but I’m not so I won’t.
“But I also won’t waste my time thinking that there’s some sort of panacea out there that will re-fry their brains and restore their short-circuitry, so I don’t even think about taking revenge or getting even or even wishing someday that one of them will be in the same elevator as the Skipper. No; I don’t and I don’t want you to even think about having bad thoughts about those less fortunate as you and I not to be able to appreciate how lucky we are to have Trump instead of Hillary.
“God gave us the ability to reason, and some of us reason better than others. Nicolaus Copernicus reasoned that the earth revolves around the sun, which makes us astronauts in a way: we’re on a platform that is hurtling through space at thousands of miles per hour. Our solar system is revolving around a gargantuan gravity source in the center of our galaxy – the Milky Way – that we call a Black Hole, we call it that because once light goes into it it never comes out, the gravity is so strong. Think of a teaspoon weighing as much as our whole solar system and you’ll get some idea of the magnitude that has so much effect for the billions of the stars in our galaxy.
“I’m sorry, but the parrot took off on a divergent. Stay the course, Jack.
“Jack says he’s back on course so continue to pay attention. I, Jack the Parrot, was talking about nuts, which if any of you read Zorkophsky, know full well that the word ‘nuts’ and, come to think of it, ‘loony as a bat,’ are accepted professional medical terms. I was going to say that this Adam Schiff character has an especially bad case of nuts, as many Californians do. So I said it. But he’s not the only one; oh, no, we couldn’t be so lucky.
“Think of Californians as the head of the line and you’d be right. Add Oregon and Washington and there’s your trifecta of loony as bats, so stay away if at all possible. I thank my lucky stars that our ship is stationed on the East Coast and not somewhere like San Diego.
“So there’s no cure for those infected with this deliberating syndrome except, perhaps, an epiphany of the soul, which only happens in the Bible or a Cecil DeMille picture. Education has brought these people to this point of not being able to determine right from wrong.
“Here’s an example: Alan Keyes and Barry Soetoro, aka Barack Obama, were candidates for political office in Illinois. Keyes said, ‘I’ll teach you how to fish so you’ll be able to be independent of the government,’ while Obama said, ‘If you vote for me I’ll give you free fish for all of your lives.’ Capitalism vs. Socialism; buy your own food with your own money vs. being dependent on government Food Stamps; being taught how to read, write and speak and promoting yourself to better-paying jobs vs. sitting on the stoop wasting your life away, so much so that you start to believe it’s everybody’s fault but your own for being a failure.
“You want stupid? How about not passing the test to be a cop or a fireman because you can’t read, so you whine and cry and have a temper tantrum that a two-year old would envy, and to shut you up they give you money so you can go sit on the stoop and leave us normal productive tax-paying citizens alone, thank you very much.
“But here’s a revelation of my own: they who lie go to jail. I say ten years for Christine Blasey Ford; life for Hillary and Lois Lerner and equally reasonable sentences for the rest of them, including the purveyors of fake news; I guess you noticed that I had the Skipper block CNN and MSNBC from the televisions.
“It’s not a coup d’etat to uphold the law; it’s common sense, which in our nation’s capital isn’t at all common. Our Commander-in-Chief has the authority to deport C.A.I.R., that front for Islamic terror organizations. You want quid pro quo? Have the IRS release the tax records of every Democrat in Congress, for starters. And everyone nowadays is talking about Joe Biden and his son. Well, let’s talk about Harry Reid and his son, too; or Pelosi and her husband. The point is that I’m tired of not fighting back with the tools that we have, all nice and legal like; you with me?
“And let’s keep it simple: all illegal immigrants – including the DACA welfare bums – and Muslims, give them until 2021 to vacate our land: If they’re not gone by then, confiscate their wealth and deport them: period. You know, don’t you, that there was a presidential candidate in 2012 who had all that in his platform? Well, he did. And I see the day is getting late so I’ll turn it over to the Skipper at this time.
“Thanks, Jack, that was one great speech, and I’m sure we’re all the better for it; I know I am. It’s always good to hear the truth spoken plainly and clearly, and not any of this doublespeak that seems to spew from our mentally and morally corrupt politicians, the very people we send off to look after our welfare. But our mission that we’re about to engage will help in one small way to make our spaceship a better place for all: think of it as hall-monitor duty and we’re eliminating some bullies.”
“Attention on deck! Hand salute.”
“Carry on.”
Curtain lowers as “The Last Love Song” (2:45) is played as the lights brighten.
FINI
“Bury Me Not on the Lone Prairie” (2:24)