by Henry, ©2025
(Sep. 3, 2025) — “Any Way You Want Me” (2:13)
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. Professor ‘Zork’ Zorkophsky is once again here to hawk his latest book. Welcome back to ‘Pulse,’ the most-watched information show in its time slot. So, a new book. What makes this one any different from all the others?”
“Rude way to ask a question, Henry, but I’ll answer it anyway. What makes this particular book a must- read is that I hypnotized some of my colleagues and the results are somewhat concerning, to say the least,”
“Sounds intriguing; go on.”
“I based the book on interviews that I recorded that I’ll play for your audience. Okay, the first volunteer to be put under is Patient ‘A.’”
Zork: “Are you thoroughly hypnotized?”
Patient ‘A’: “You bet. Who am I?
Zork: “You are Governor Newsom of California. I want to talk to you about fire hydrants.”
Patient ‘A’: “Good, because I like fire hydrants, especially the bright colors. They are faucets that firemen use to extinguish fires.”
Zork: “Very good. What about a fire hydrant that has no water?”
Patient ‘A’: “Look, I may be hypnotized, but even I know that a fire hydrant, in order to be a fire hydrant, must have water. No water, no hydrant; it’s really that simple.”
Zork: “If you, as governor, turned off the water to the hydrants, would you inform the fire department, the homeowners, and the media?”
Patient ‘A’: “Absolutely not. To be an effective leader, you must first and foremost lie through your teeth. I am a good governor; therefore my lies have worth. The greater the harm the more I’m worth.”
Zork: “How did you come by the idea of ‘No Water for Hydrants?’
Patient ‘A’: “That’s a no-brainer; by the fires on Maui, that’s where. Man, do you realize that the approval rating of Josh Green, the governor of Hawaii, shot up 7 whole points because of a lousy fire? That’s just too good to ignore.”
Zork: “Very good. When I snap my fingers, you’ll no longer be the sorry bum of a governor, but back to your real self, that of a respected professional psychiatrist. SNAP!”
“That was pretty good, Zork. At this time, we’ll pause for a short commercial break.”
“Fairy Fountain” (1:34)
“And we’re back with Professor ‘Zork’ Zorkophsky, who is about to run the tape of Patient ‘B.’”
Zork: “I am now hypnotizing you. Relax. Think of nothing but calm thoughts.”
Patient ‘B’: “You’ve got to be kidding. There are literally millions of murderers running around loose in our country and you want me to relax?”
Zork: “Give it a try. I’ll cut you in on a percentage of the profits of the book, okay? Is it a deal?
Patient ‘B’: “How much?”
Zork: “Enough, trust me. Relax. Picture yourself on a boat on a river…”
Patient ‘B’: “Been done before.”
Zork: “Then try this. You’re a little kid in the kitchen and your mother is baking bread. You smell the bread. You see the warm stick of butter in the dish, alongside the butter knife. Soon you’ll be having a slice or two. Are you hypnotized?”
Patient ‘B’: “Mommy, may I have a cold glass of milk with the hot fresh bread?”
Zork: “Later. Tell me what you learned in school this week?”
Patient ‘B’: “I fell in love with a redhead, is what I did. She’s real nice; smart, too. I also learned that if good people stay quiet, bad things always follow.”
Zork: “Why do bad things always follow?”
Patient ‘B’: “Because nature abhors a vacuum, that’s why. If you have something, you can bet your bottom dollar that there’s someone out there who will take it from you.”
Zork: “Even life?”
Patient ‘B’: Even that, as crazy as it sounds. It sounds crazy to us, but to a crazy person it probably makes perfect sense.”
Zork: “How do you deal with a problem like that?”
Patient ‘B’: “There’s only one way, eliminate the problem.”
Zork: “Not talk it out? Negotiate? Compromise?”
Patient ‘B’: “No, life is too short to sit around and count the waves, because that’s all anyone will get out of it.”
Zork: “I see. Did you figure that out all by yourself or did you get it from some textbook?”
Patient ‘B’: “I think it’s a general-knowledge fact that the politicians missed completely.”
Zork: “Even President Trump?”
Patient ‘B’: “Even him, but he has a crooked State Department and a crooked Department of Homeland Security which are part of the Deep State, the Dark Side, and the side of Doom and Gloom.”
Zork: “Why do you say that?”
Patient ‘B’: “Fact: has Omar been deported? Fact: we let people fly the Hamas flag and do nothing. We say it’s a First Amendment issue. Well, let me say this: if someone says they’re going to kill you, don’t you think that’s the same as yelling ‘Fire!’? I’d say so. We have some very bad people in our government, people who shouldn’t be there.”
Zork: “But they are there.”
Patient ‘B’: “We must be on our toes.”
Zork: “Any last words before I bring you back?”
Patient ‘B’: “Yes, there are. First, I’m ashamed to hear any antisemitic words in my country; I mean it. Everyone who is buried in Arlington National Cemetery didn’t fight for anyone to badmouth Jews and Christians, to fly the flag of the enemy and support the overthrow of our Constitutional Republic. And, secondly, I would take the ‘kid gloves’ off and get the job done to save our home before it’s too late, which looks like it’ll be sooner rather than later. It doesn’t have to happen at all, but I don’t see much happening to stop it. Wake me up, please; it all seems so depressing.”
Zork: “Very well. When I snap my fingers, you’ll be yourself once more. SNAP!”
“Well, I say that was insightful, to say the least. Thank you for sharing that with us. And so, we’ve come to the end of our show. I’m Henry, and along with Professor Zorkophsky, we hope you buy his book. By the way, what’s the name of the book?”
“It’s called ‘Newsom Folly: The Story of Deceit.’ I hope it’ll be a bestseller.”
“I’m sure it will. Goodnight.
“Good show. I’m going down to the river to catch some dragonflies. Sliders in the fridge. Meet you at the picnic table.”
“Bell Bottom Blues” (5:01)