by Roving Reporter, ©2025
(Feb. 16, 2025) — “Beethoven’ 5th” (1:10)
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. Due to the great success the last time we had Professor Wert to grace our studio, we have him back again to explain life to our kiddies. Welcome back, Professor.”
“Thank you and your viewers and readers wherever you are for clamoring to have me back. It is indeed a great honor, plus another opportunity to hawk my books.”
“Yes, indeed. Just out of curiosity, what’s the most-asked question by the little ones?”
“The most-asked question by my readers, our little kids, is, ‘What’s on the other side of the universe?’ I answer, ‘Think of the universe as a tiny bubble in a taffy-pulling machine‘ (0:35) or, if you don’t like that, I say, ‘Think of a void in a sponge cake that goes forever with no end, no crust, no edge of pan. The point being is to give them something they can chew on.”
“Chew on?”
“That’s right, so they don’t come back with the ever popular, ‘But why?’”
“That makes sense. What do you say we take a short commercial break.”
“The Elephant Song” (3:24)
“Professor Wert just skedaddled for a book-signing so we’re making a call to Professor Zorkophsky.”
“Hello, Zork speaking.”
“Professor Zork, I mean, Zorkophsky, we’re in a jam. My guest ran off to do a book-signing and he left us high and dry.”
“Always glad to be of assistance, Roving.”
“I know you’re writing a new book; you always are. What’s this one about?”
“That’s right, I’m always writing something. I’m in the middle of explaining ‘sure things.’ Death is a sure thing; matter of fact, it is the surest thing. Once something dies, is dead, that’s it. A divorce is death, in its own sordid way. When Grandma dies, goodbye forever. A dog dies, forever. A PTSD Veteran eats a bullet, it’s forever, no second chance, no doing over again. And if Trump didn’t win, if Kamala were our president, it would be the death of the USA.”
“That’s right, Zork, just as the Europeans are killing Western Civilization by denying free speech. No criticizing Islam, i.e., a cleric can tell Muslims to go out and kill indiscriminately, but if anybody else mentions that Muslims get off by murdering innocent people, they get in a tizzy. No concept of the old English ‘fair play.’”
“I’m afraid ‘Merry Old England’ has gone over to the dark side: no more free speech. I went over there a few years ago and noticed all the Muslims in London. Not good. Poor people, first sold out by the Archbishop of Canterbury, then their politicians chimed in.”
“So much for the Magna Carta.”
“Down the river, sold out for nothing.”
“And that’s what makes it so sad, the ‘for nothing.’ Nothing is gained when all is lost.”
“And that’ll do it for this episode of ‘Pulse,’ the most-watched information show in its time slot. Goodnight.
“Good show. I’m grabbing a burger.”
[Question: Hey, Tom Homan, when are you going to deport Omar and the rest of her tribe?][And the people who stole money — USAID — have them pay it back and then jail time.]
“Lonesome Cowboy” (3:12)
Roving Reporter