by Roving Reporter, ©2025
(Jan. 11, 2025) — “Nobody Does It Better” (3:32)
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. As a rule, we usually refrain from reporting rumors, but this particular rumor is just too good to be ignored. What is it? Direct from the grapevine is that Bishop Dunkin may be promoted to Archbishop Dunkin. That’s right, one step below the head honcho. Now, as you can see, we’re back at the little church down on Hawthorn Street to see Professor Wert’s play, ‘Life on the Lifeboat.’ As many of you may recall, Professor Wert is recently retired from reporting from far-flung destinations at the upper Amazon and from deep within the Congo to become a popular writer of children’s books. We’re filming from the balcony. Let’s enjoy the play as the house lights dim.”
The curtain rises to the stage set as a large round raft made of logs tied together with rope. The raft has a slightly tilted awning cover that depicts a colored map of the world. Off to the right side is a small raft with an “Oboe Quartet” (14:31) playing Mozart at reduced volume throughout the play. The raft has groups of people sitting on chairs or on the raft, all with different dress representing the larger populations of the world.
A Swiss lady, wearing a dirndl trachten, stands and faces the audience: “We are a peaceful people. We have cows and cheese and yodel all day long.”
“Appenzeller Yodler” (2:44)
The Swiss lady curtseys and sits.
A young Nigerian man wearing a traditional kaftan stands and addresses the audience: “Let my dance and song speak to you all.”
“Kikuyu Tradition Song and Dance” (3:42)
The young Nigerian man bows and sits.
Next up is an elderly English gentleman wearing Plus Fours. “Hello, one and all. ‘God bless us, every one*’ (0:12).”
“Love Me Do” (2:41)
At the end of the song the Englishman sits.
Last up is a man with shaggy beard who addresses the audience:
“Sura Al-Kafirun” (1:36)
After he speaks, a movie theater screen drops down in front of the raft.
“Remembering 9-11” (7:28)
And we failed in the Middle East and have invited the enemy in. Let the Crusades begin again, but this time we win, not with a ceasefire, but for all time.
FINI
“Okay, we get it, or at least some of us do. This is your Roving Reporter, along with Professor Wert, wishing all of you a goodnight: Goodnight.”
“Good show, but darn sad. Burger time: my treat.”
[*God bless us every one: Tiny Tim.]
[Just sayin’: One of the ways Muslims fight non-believers is with fire.]
“This is Love” (3:50)