by Henry, ©2024
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(Jun. 15, 2024) — Cast of characters:
John, the Head of the House
Madam, the Wife
Suzy, the Old Maid
Mary, the Servant Girl
Tom, the Chauffeur
The General, playing himself
Bob, the Newscaster
ACT 1
Lights dim as the theme from “Highway to Heaven” (2:05) is heard. The curtain rises on a stage set as a Victorian drawing room with high ceiling and velvet drapes. The fireplace gives off a meager light; the windows rattle from the cold north wind. John has his feet on the ottoman while his wife, Barbara, knits. The General is in the corner drawing lines and circles on his chalkboard-on-wheels. Enter Suzy from the right door.
Suzy: “Madam, dinner will be postponed indefinitely. I seems as if the storm has delayed Tom from returning from the market.”
John: “Inconvenient timing, dinner and all. Why couldn’t the storm have waited until after dessert?”
The General: “I have it all drawn out on my board. The yellow lines represent the wind vectors while these blue curvy lines, over here on the side, represents the wind’s effect on the chill factor. According to my calculations, dinner will be 90 minutes late.”
John: “Preposterous, I say. What do we pay taxes for if not to have the roads plowed?”
Suddenly, off to the side, in the foyer, the front door bursts open with a great flurry of snow. It’s Tom carrying packages and boxes.
John: “What the devil?!”
Suzy: “Madam, Tom has returned. Dinner will be on time.”
John: “Bring him in. I want to know how he fought the storm.”
Tom: “All I said, sir, was this food is for Ukraine so they called up the National Guard and, well, here I am. They used 40 snowplows, and my drive back was as serene as a Sunday outing, except for the gusts of wind, the cold, and the snow.”
John: “And they believed you?”
Tom: “Sir, we live in a Blue State so they’re dumber than a door nail. Of course they believed me.”
John: “Well done, everyone, for sure.”
Curtain lowers to the music of “The High Chaparral” (0:36).
ACT II
The stage is set as a formal dining room. In the center of the table is a giant candelabra. Enter Mary who is carrying a platter with a giant turkey on it.
Suzy: “Put it on the side table, Mary; I’ll carve the bird.”
Madam: “Please turn the TV on. I want to know about the storm.”
Suzy: “Mary, please turn on the television.”
As Suzy finds the news, the General wheels in his chalkboard-on-wheels.
Madam, to John: “Does he sleep with it? Turn up the volume, Suzy; I can’t hear the TV.”
Bob: “And this breaking news just in. Our community apparently donated 10 million dollars’ worth of foodstuff to Ukraine. The breakdown is in accordance with normal congressional kickback amounts. Fifty percent to the Biden/Obama (aka Barry Soetoro) Crime Syndicate; 25% to the Schumer/McConnell Crime Syndicate; 20% to the Fake News, with the remaining going to all the petty bureaucrats, which leaves a grand total of food worth $139.45 to somewhere, maybe Ukraine. This makes us very proud, I’m sure. And that’s all the news tonight. Goodnight.”
The General: “Goodnight.”
The curtain lowers to “Ein Albumblatt WWV 94” (2:50)
FINI