United States Dept. of the Absurd (RR)

by Roving Reporter, ©2023

(Aug. 23, 2023) — “Hooked on Music” (3:44)

“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. We’re very proud to have a ‘secret guest’ with us today who is so secret that not even the CCP knows about it.”

“They do now.”

“Pardon me?”

“I said, ‘They do now,’ or soon will. Heck, all they have to do is to read the title, ‘Dept. of the Absurd.’  The cat is outta the bag.”

“But they won’t know what it means.”

“’Earth calling Roving’; of course they’ll know what it means. I mean, really, now, does anyone think that Joe Biden has an IQ above that of a used rubber band? Really? No question about it, Biden’s a ‘dingbat.’ Elderly abuse on TV, wandering who knows where.”

“Well, getting back on track, welcome to ‘Pulse,’ the most-watched information show in its time slot. There’s a lot going on, and who will be Trump’s VP is just one of the questions hanging out there.”

“Yes, they say Henry, the ‘Talking Frog,’ may hop forward, but he has his tongue — oh, excuse me — his eye set on being the next Secretary of Defense, so scratch him.”

“What, may I ask, does the ‘Dept. of the Absurd’ do? I mean, why haven’t we heard about it until now?”

“Good questions and I’m glad you asked them. First off, it started as a joke.”

“What started as a joke?”

“Barry Soetoro, aka Obama, running for president, but when all of the secretaries of state jumped on board to allow an unqualified candidate to be on the ticket, the fix was in and, as they say, the rest is history; that is, until Trump [’81 Million Votes, My A**’ (3:14)] spoiled it all.”

“What do you mean, ‘spoiled it all?’”

“The payoffs from China and everywhere else to Congress and the bureaucracy: you know, the Deep State. Trump [‘I Won’t Back Down’ (3:22)] didn’t think other countries — using slave labor — were an equal playing field for our manufacturers to compete against.”

“How far gone are we? Is it too late to save the Republic? What’s the real scoop?”

“First of all, if we can’t save our dollar as the world’s number one currency, all bets are off. Second, our military is about on par with, say, Somalia, it’s that bad. And last but certainly not least, if Trump [‘Try That in a Small Town’ (3:00)] isn’t the next president, forget it; the Deep State will have won and no matter what anyone does or says, it won’t change the course of history.”

“You paint a pretty grim picture.”

“The truth is the Dems apparently aren’t concerned with open borders, or human trafficking, or unvetted people in our country. They don’t care about the Fentanyl epidemic and don’t give a moment’s thought about Angel Moms. The point is anything but Trump, as if you could blame Trump on the catastrophic failures of Biden’s administration. Truth is, what happened on Maui reflects exactly what has happened and is happening to our country every day, and going after Trump just makes matters worse, not better.”

“Now ain’t that the truth?”

“That devastating fire on Maui highlighted the complete incompetence of the Biden administration on every possible level, especially the level of incompetency. Reminds me when we left Afghanistan but a thousand times worse. Kids burned to death — my goodness, man — one is one too many, and every day the count gets closer to a thousand and more. And then you have misguided county employees in Georgia pretending that destroying the rule of law is a desirable goal when, in reality, it sends us back to the 1600s with nary a thought about the importance of Freedom of Speech.”

“Back to the time of slavery.”

“What do you think Affirmative Action is but just another form of manipulating the results? Don’t qualify? No problem; we’ll just lower the standards, maybe to the point where you don’t even have to be a citizen to be a cop.”

“Yes, I’ve heard that. What do you do in the Department of the Absurd?”

“We got all the world’s problems down to ‘blame Trump’ or ‘something to do with the weather.’”

“What about ‘derangement syndromes’ or the truth?”

“Now you’re being rude, Roving. I am, after all, your guest.”

“Alright, then: explain Governor Gretchen Whitmer, if you can.”

“I can’t and neither can anybody else. We ignore her and that’s what you should do. Why, we have whole floors just doing damage control after what she and her idiotic attorney general, Dana Nessel, say. Here’s a tidbit for you: all the overtime pay is due to Whitmer and Nessel opening their mouths.”

“Can’t you tell them to keep their mouths shut?”

“Think about it: if you added up their IQ’s, you’d get teeter-totter.”

“Do you have any positives?”

“Plenty. It’s we who put Biden on the road. It was me who put Biden on the bike he fell off.”

“That was you? Well, let me shake your hand; that was great. So, you’re not really a Dem?”

“Nope, not a Dem or any other. We do it for the laughs, that’s all.”

“The country going down the tubes?”

“Laughs.”

“Armed IRS agents?”

“Laughs.”

“Tombstones of the men and women who gave their lives for the Constitution?”

“Laughs.”

“Crime in the cities?”

“Laughs. Face it, Roving, the Fake News, and the government’s indoctrination centers that you call ‘Public Education,’ have done a magnificent job of turning half of the country against the country, rendering the Constitution a ‘flawed document’ not worth fighting and dying for. Boot Camps with washing machines — give me a break. You train wimps, you get wimps, and the bottom of the barrel are the officers who order troops into the fray with no backup.”

“How can anyone with half a conscience vote for child porn, open borders and deals with the Mexican cartels?”

“Because their other half of a conscience is out to lunch watching ‘The View,’ PBS and all the other lying channels which relentlessly push the ‘Russian Collusion’ and ‘I don’t like the way Trump [‘Trump Won’ (3:30)] talks.’”

“How far gone is Georgia?”

“Over the edge and will never come back into the fold of MAGA [‘Justice for All’ (2:24)]. My advice to Georgians? Get out while you still can, while the getting-out is still good. Your Georgian police and troopers, National Guard? Sorry; all I can say is trust them at your own peril.”

“Hawaii?”

“A test case which, according to some reports, was successful.”

“Unbelievable.”

“Not at all: we aim to please.”

“Seems like you aim to do the opposite.”

“That may be, but all of the county election employees in 2020 are still in place, so there.”

“Well, I know you’re a conscientious government employee and must run, so thank you for taking the time from your busy schedule talking with us. Please excuse us while we take a short break.”

“Comanche Territory” (1:53)

“Our last guest is one of our favorites, Professor ‘Trash-the-masks’ Zorkophsky. Welcome to ‘Pulse,’ the most-watched information show in its time slot. What hat are we wearing today, Professor?”

“The ‘Marriage Counselor’ one, and please call me ‘Zork’ since I feel it makes for a more relaxing atmosphere.”

“Then ‘Zork’ it shall be.”

“Thank you. Infidelity is the number one cause for divorce followed by money problems, but drugs and alcohol also influence decisions best made during the light of day. Now here’s the thing about infidelity: the betrayal of a sacred trust may be mended if one is willing to forgive, but if one can’t trust the other then why proceed any further? However, as with every other rule there may be exceptions.”

“You got divorced, isn’t that right?”

“And I wish I didn’t, but I just blame my failures on PTSD and live every day since my last nightmare to the best of my ability, unfortunately years after my divorce. Wish we were still together but we aren’t. The thing that I can’t understand is that everyone treated me like the bad guy when I didn’t do the cheatin’.”

“Maybe your PTSD got in the way of life.”

“You should be the psychiatrist, not me. But you’re right, and I’m sorry for not saying ‘I love you’ when I had the chance. Instead I said, ‘You’re divorced,’ a split-second moment in time that I’ve regretted a billion-fold every second since.”

“Ever think about eating a bullet?”

“Yes, but I think that would be the ‘easy’ way out and I need to pay for my sin of denying the ex-wife what she deserved from the beginning without me having suicide thoughts to escape the nightmares of combat, a knife at my throat and other truly memorable experiences, a few that I’m proud of and a few that I may not be. One does some pretty remarkable stuff when fighting for one’s life; that I can attest to. By ‘remarkable’ I mean not repeating, not ever.”

“That bad?”

“Cost me 17 years of nightmares after I was honorably discharged and the woman I loved, so yes, I would say, ‘That bad.’”

“Any advice?”

“This is what I tell my PTSD patients: don’t keep it bottled up; talk about it with somebody, anybody, because if you don’t, you’ll end up like me who should’ve said the three most important words in the English language but didn’t. Had a chance at a ‘Wonderful Life’ but turned my back on it with everlasting regret.”

“Well, aren’t you ‘Mr. Happy?’ Okay, that’ll do it for this episode, so this is your Roving Reporter, along here with Zork, wishing each of you a goodnight: Goodnight.

“Good show, but Zork, you ought to be a little funnier now and then. Get over it. Burger time: my treat.”

“Flowers on the Wall” (2:19)

Roving Reporter