by Roving Reporter, ©2023
(May 6, 2023) — “Bless the Beasts and the Children” (3:16)
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. Professor Wert is back with us to hawk his latest children’s book, ‘Live the Truth or SHUT UP.’ Welcome back to ‘Pulse,’ the most-watched information show in its time slot.”
“And so very glad to be back to push my book. I’ve just been to St. Louis where I took part in a paper drive where we collected a few tons of Budweiser stocks for the Boys Club charity.”
“Budweiser is going down?”
“Already gone, the way of the Passenger Pigeon: here yesterday; gone forever.”
“They went woke.”
“They went broke.”
“Serves them right.”
“Should’ve known better. Here’s the deal: you can’t go around sayin’ stuff without backing it up. Like saying you’re against French Toast and then ordering French Toast. Doesn’t work.”
“I’ve a feeling you’re leading up to something.”
“Yes, I am. I’m going to address the subject of abortion and offering a sure-fire solution that everyone will have to accept because it is intellectually sound.”
“This I got to see.”
“And you will. Okay, here goes. Aborting a potentially healthy baby who may grow to an adult is called murder, right?”
“Go on.”
“The argument for abortion is that the mother doesn’t want to pay for the act of making a baby in the first place, right?”
“I guess if you put it that way, then, yes.”
“If a person is for the elimination of a potential adult, then I say that person should voluntarily abort themselves, to prove that they are sincere about abortions for real, in the first place.”
“But…”
“Wait. And then, after enough adults do themselves in because they believe in abortion, maybe the adults who do not believe in abortion will change their minds; maybe not. It’s the only way to finally come to a consensus on the abortion issue: put up or shut up.”
“But I don’t see anyone for abortion doing the same to themselves, do you? Answer after this short commercial break.”
“Years” (4:12)
“No, but more important, neither do they, which proves my point. If you support abortion, do it to yourself or shut up. End of story.”
“You know, at first I thought what a ridiculous idea but, after further review, it kind-of makes sense. Put up or shut up. End of story.”
“Thank you.”
“And we’ve just run out of time and so, thank you for watching and, on behalf of Professor Wert, this is your Roving Reporter wishing all of you a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Good show. I like his idea; it would make the hypocrites come out of the woodwork really quick, wouldn’t you say? Burger time: my treat.”
“Darling You Send Me” (2:46)
Roving Reporter