by Roving Reporter, ©2023

(Mar. 18, 2023) — “Trump Won” (3:30)

“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. Today’s guest needs no introduction since she’s been on ‘Pulse’ at least once a month for the last ten years, none other than our favorite soothsayer, Madam Shylock. Welcome to the show, fortuneteller extraordinaire.”

“Thank you, Roving. Always enjoy your show, the place to be entertained with a slice of humor. Now I know you want to talk about Henry, so let me say from the get-go that Henry apologizes for the running-for-president subterfuge. All he wanted to do was emphasize that the Republicans need to back Trump 110% with no distractions such as competing candidates.”

“Yes, we kind-of figured that. I mean, I think Henry has made it quite clear that he needs to be the next Secretary of Defense to put our military in order.”

“That’s right, and to bring back the draft where every citizen has a mandatory obligation to enlist at least two years in the service of their country; no exceptions. Even a blind person can direct phone calls or be of assistance in some other way.”

“Yes, that makes sense. What are you doing? What is this? What am I supposed to do with this?”

“It’s a prerecorded statement from Henry that I hope that you’ll play, is what.”

“Well, we usually look at stuff before we put it on the air but, for you and since it’s Henry, we’ll play it after this commercial break.”

Peter Cottontail” (2:42)

“Okay, we’re back. Does this require any introduction?”

“No, Henry introduces himself, so everything is crystal clear.”

The video opens to an empty stage with a spotlight shining down, stage center. We hear huffing and puffing from stage right and then we see a 12’ clear plexiglass cake and pie display case, the kind you see on luncheon counters, being pushed by a frog. Once the display case is centered, the frog laboriously climbs to the top of the display case and faces the camera which is located center auditorium. A microphone is lowered to the frog, who dons a silver-sequined sport coat.

“My name is Henry, and my day job is being the Ambassador to Zyklon, who you all know of. I took a few weeks off to test the waters of the American political swamp and have come away with a new perspective that I hadn’t been aware of previously.

“I threw my hat into the ring, not to compete with Trump, but with the outside chance of being recognized as a viable candidate to be Trump’s Secretary of Defense.

“That said, I’d like to share a couple of my observations. One, if the conservative judge isn’t elected in Wisconsin come April, that state is history. My second observation is that if Kari Lake isn’t installed as the Governor of Arizona, that state is also history, meaning over and done with.

“The Civil War of the 1860’s was fought over the same issue if Wisconsin and Arizona can be allowed to function outside the boundaries of the Constitution. So what gives? Have the United States Attorneys General not doing their job by allowing ‘sanctuary cites and states’ or have the AG’s been doing their job working for the Deep State? I know, either way we end up with the same results and, either way, the regular working man and women of the USA – taxpayers – get pushed aside, relegated to the dustbin of history; what once was will be no more.

“So why bother to vote if the deck is stacked? This is what needs to be done today: lay a treason charge on this Administration and everyone who had a hand, even a hangnail, in voter fraud but if you don’t, this nation is done with, just as done as Wisconsin and Arizona may be.

“And this ends my foray into the political swamp of our country. My advice? Buy guns; stock up on ammo, water, and food. Don’t trust anyone, especially anybody passing themselves off as law enforcement. If you’re a good cop these days, you better resign or, what are you going to do, follow illegal orders? Arrest Roger Stone or Peter Navarro when the same results could have been achieved by one ten-cent phone call?

“I wish to thank all of you who supported me, and I would hope that you would do the same for Trump, although, well, I said it before: this nation will not survive another two years of the nitwit in the White House. Thank you.”

The lights go out. 

“And that’s the end of Henry running for president, I’m afraid. He will be campaigning for Trump as much as he thinks there’s a snowball’s chance that any vote will be counted honestly, not like the election of 2020.”

“Sorry to hear of Henry leaving the campaign trail since it was rather fun to watch the people’s faces when they were looking at a frog talking English to them.”

“Well, I agree. It’s been nice chatting with you, and I hope your viewers will go out and buy some guns. Besides always carrying a sidearm, be sure to have a shotgun for home defense. We just welcomed 10+ million illegals who are protected by our treaties with the illegals’ home countries, so they are immune from our laws, specifically the death penalty that we once applied to rapists, child molesters and murderers. Did you know that the United States is becoming one of the most violent countries in the world? I think we can blame our corrupt judges for being ‘woke,’ which means they’re Communists to the core. I need not quote Shakespeare.”

“No, we get the message, trust me. Well, another episode of ‘Pulse,’ the most-watched information show in its time slot, is over. We wish to thank Madam Shylock for bringing us the news about Henry dropping out but, on the other hand, we think that the only GOP candidate should be Trump all the way, 100%, all the time. And so, on behalf of Madam Shylock, this is your Roving Reporter wishing each of you a goodnight: Goodnight.

“Good show. Burger time: my treat.”

[Want to lower inflation? Start by opening the Keystone Pipeline. Make the US energy- dominant again.]

“Fortune Teller” (2:41)

Roving Reporter

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