by Roving Reporter, ©2023
(Feb. 13, 2023) — “Young Love” (2:28)
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. Today we’re at a drugstore in Iowa waiting for Henry to give his first campaign speech, so what do you say we just mingle with the crowd and see what’s up? Excuse me, but why are you here? Roving for ‘Pulse,’ the most-watched information show in its time slot.”
“Because I don’t believe that a frog can talk, that’s why. I mean, come on, a talking frog? You got to be kidding me.”
“But what about his platform? What about calling China out on Tibet and murdering monks?”
“Tibet? Who cares about monks?”
“I guess you don’t.”
“What are you, some kind of wise guy? Maybe you’re here to make trouble. Hey, everybody, here’s an out-of-stater here to make trouble, maybe show the world how ignorant we are.”
Crowd closes in and murmurs.
“Just asking questions, that’s all. Roving for ‘Pulse,’ the most…”
“Yeah, we know all about you, ‘the most-watched information show in its time slot.’ Big deal. We’re here to see the talking frog; the heck with Tibet.”
“And we’re next.”
“What did you say?”
“Tibet today, the USA tomorrow is what I’m saying.”
“What’s wrong with China? Why, most of the stuff we buy is ‘Made in China’ so don’t knock it.”
“What about members of Congress being paid off by China?”
“What about it? If somebody doesn’t take the money, somebody else will. It’s as simple as that.”
“I don’t believe it. What about their Oath to the Constitution?”
“So what? Nobody cares; besides, the Constitution was written by old white men.”
“What about everyone being equal under the law?”
“Are you kidding? Where you been? See Hillary in jail, or Lois Lerner? See any of the Washington crooks in jail? See Hunter Biden in jail? See Joe Biden in jail? You’re nuts; you sound like an ‘election denier.’ You wouldn’t be one of those, would you?”
Crowd closes in and murmuring is heard.
“Excuse me, please, but I have to leave. Now. Excuse me.”
“Are you one of those New Yorkers, or maybe a Beltway person?”
“No, I’m from Florida, not far from where Henry lives.”
“How long have you known Henry?”
“Look, I don’t want to appear rude or anything, but I must skedaddle. Besides, we have to break for a commercial.”
“O Sole Mio” (2:45)
“Whew! What are they, crazy? At least we made it out of there and now we’re in the parking lot, from the fire into the frying pan. This place is packed. Excuse me; excuse me.”
“Hey, aren’t you Roving? Hey, everyone, it’s Roving, the frog’s friend. When will we hear the frog talk?”
“In an hour or so, I guess.”
Turns and yells at the gathering crowd behind him.
“He says a little over an hour!”
“The talking frog is on his way!”
The sound of a great cheer is heard.
“By golly, I made it back to Leaf’s RV, safe and sound. Hey, Henry, it’s a wild crowd out there. I don’t see how we can protect you from getting trampled. I didn’t feel safe myself, just made it back by the skin of my teeth. You got your speech ready? Maybe we can put you on top of the RV and put you through the PA. Let’s hear your speech, do a run-through.”
“Okay, here it is:
“Good day to you all. My name is Henry, and I may be your president in 2024, that is, if there’s anything left to be a president of. I may be a frog but, in the Constitution, there is no mention that a frog cannot be the president, so there. Now that we got that out of the way, let me mention a few of my favorite beefs.
“I have a beef with anyone here illegally. Leave now and you’ll get to leave with what you have. Wait and you’ll be kicked out with nothing. That goes for the Muslims, too. They’d be a lot better off if they would focus their attention on their own problems and leave the Jews and everybody else alone. My God, they’ve been ranting and raving for 1,400 years and what has it got them? Nothing but poverty and death. If it weren’t for the Americans discovering oil in the Middle East, they’d still be riding donkey carts.
“I also have a beef with land mines. In my administration I will proactively prosecute anyone having anything to do with land mines. I will also imprison anyone who had a hand in the fraudulent elections in the past 50 years.
“I will fire anyone who had a hand in leaving all our military hardware behind in Kabul, Afghanistan. I will do the same for any government employee who takes money from a foreign country.
“But maybe I’m thinking about letting the real president be the president — that would be President Trump — and I’ll continue my employment with Zyklon and occasionally be a welcome guest on ‘Pulse.’ I’ll tell you this, though: in no way shall Nikki Haley get within a thousand miles of ever being the president of anything, except, maybe, the RINOs of America.”
“What about George Soros?”
“I’ll turn him over to the Israelis’ Nazi Tribunal Court is what I’ll do.”
“Any plans for the FBI?”
“No more FBI. Give them all a pink slip, along with anyone who is ‘woke’; is that clear? No more DHS; build that wall. And another thing: no more will foreigners be given a green light to rape our women, molest our kids, and murder with impunity. No more. When I’m president, anybody who commits a crime in America will pay the price in America, clear?”
“’About time’ is all I can say. Will you list on your ‘honey-do’ list in order of importance, priority and need, and if so, could you tell us after this commercial break?”
Uncloudy Day” (4:37)
“And we’re back.”
“First on the list are the traitors to be fired, put in jail or something else. Then we must close the border and deport the illegals, the Muslims, and every Chinese so-called ‘student’ who is really an officer in the PLA*.
“Second is to get a Secretary of Defense who knows a thing or two about combat. Let me tell you a story. From time immemorial, warfare has not changed one iota. When all the fighting is over and done with, it all comes down to the PFC standing ground (guard), which determines who wins and who loses. You can have jets and rockets, ships and submarines, fancy night goggles and whisper-quiet helicopters, computers and satellites, but warfare is still reduced to the grunt on the ground. The whole Pentagon’s purpose for existence is to get that PFC the tools to do the job, to stand that ground. Somehow the military lost sight of what the job is. And getting ‘vaxxed’ with a Chinese biological weapon is not such a brilliant idea, just as firing the officers of our military for killing the enemy in Afghanistan wasn’t a good idea. Trump had a weak Secretary of Defense and, no matter what anyone does or says, a weak military will sink us.”
“Well, I must say, that’s clear enough. So, no women serving on aircraft carriers, right?”
“I’m going to tell you a fact of life and it pertains to frogs as well as humans: in combat, distractions will get you killed. Females, according to males, are a distraction. You can list all the LGTBQ nonsense but that’s the fact and if you don’t like it, move. We don’t want you; maybe Iran will welcome you, and I’ll send you over to them in a heartbeat and I’ll even pay for the flight.”
“That sounds reasonable to me. Would Gavin Newsom be on that flight?”
“No, I’ll give him to the Taliban. Trade a few Americans for a tank. Sounds more than fair to me.”
“And me, too. Anything you’d like to add?”
“We don’t have much time left, and I’m not talking about standing atop the RV and giving a speech that no one will remember. No, I’m talking about the chances of this country being around come 2024 are diminishing exponentially every day. I believe that irreparable harm has befallen us due to the fraudulent election when the Joint Chiefs of Staff sat on their brains and watched it happen and never lifted a finger to stop it, just as they gave our enemies weapons to kill us and brought the enemy into our country to make it even easier for them to kill us. Bottom line is that you shouldn’t be surprised to wake up some morning and see the flag of China flying over the White House; don’t be surprised to see your policemen breaking into your neighbor’s house and dragging them out to the street and machine-gunning them; and then they’re going to come for you and there’s nothing you can do about it because there’s nowhere to run. By destroying the United States of America we’ll be burning the last bridge. Good luck with that.”
“They won’t listen; you know that, don’t you?”
“Yes, I do. America is going to the dogs, and everybody is sitting around watching it happen. You have the Constitution, but the people who took the Oath don’t believe in it. All they believe in is ‘gaming the system’: take whatever you can get away with, and it all starts with Mitch McConnell and all the other RINOs.”
“Well, that was a mouthful, and will you just look at the time…so on behalf of Henry, this is your Roving Reporter wishing each of you a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Good show. Burger time: my treat.”
[*PLA: People’s Liberation Army; the enforcement arm of the Chinese Communist Party.]
“Desolation Row” (1:48)